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The way stepdaughters introduce me to others

Susan75756's picture

My stepdaughters introduce me to anyone as "this is my Dad's wife" rather than "this is my stepmom". Am I being stupid to be upset by that?

newbiemommy's picture

Well it could be taken 2 ways.
1. Introducing someone as a step is kind of harsh. Like oh they are just a step. People respond naturally to the word "step parent" negatively. So maybe they are trying to show your importance like this is my Dad's WIFE. Like my SD11 introduces me as this is my step as to not connect me with her dad at all. To put distance between us and show me as an unimportant part of the family unit. So maybe think of the positive in the fact that they actually connect you to their father. They are verbally acknowledging your importance to him which is actually a very good thing.
2. They could be doing it malicously to seperate themselves from you. Like, this is dad's wife, I don't have any affiliation to her. Which is ok too, because whatever they aren't your kids anyways. And just because they are separating themselves from you they are at least still acknowledging your connecting with their father and not trying to distance you altogether.

misSTEP's picture

I guess either one is better than "HER". LOL

I remember when we were driving the skids back from their visit with us and got rear-ended. SD and I ended up in the hospital to get checked over. First, they were telling her that her mom was OK. Which was very confusing for a little girl as she had no idea anything had happened to her MOM!!??

Then they realized I was not their mother. A nurse asked SD if I was her aunt or who I was (I supposed checking to see if she had head trauma or was in shock) and SD just floundered. She had not called me anything other than my name before. I felt so bad for her! LOL

WSM wants peace's picture

Know that feeling, SD calls me "she" in my presence which I find totally rude. I DO have a name!

Jsmom's picture

Better than the Bitch my dad married. Got that one...Let this go. They are not comfortable calling you their stepmom. Maybe out of deference to their BM.

Let it go...Not worth it. You have bigger problems with them in your future.

StickAFork's picture

How old are they?

Honestly, my DH's kids were teens when we married. I don't really picture them as "stepchildren" because...well, they weren't "children" when we married. I do sometimes refer to them as SD or SS, but the last time I did that, my DD said, "Who is SS?" Biggrin
Anyway, I don't think they refer to me as their stepmother. I dunno. I guess I don't really care.

(Although SD did call me stepmother once and it was just dripping with Disney wickedness...)

lawyergirl06's picture

I always introduce my stepdad as my mom's husband or by his name. I don't do it out of respect but rather because I find that stepdad comes across as a negative more often than I would care to acknowledge. Or I introduce them as my parents, and then give each one's name. I am really close to my stepdad and have always regarded him as a second father rather than a step father so the idea of calling him my stepdad just seems degrading....

WSM wants peace's picture

Yep, when I'm introduced, at least in front of my face, I'm "Dad's wife." I can only imagine what SD calls me when I'm not around. Our house is "Dad's house", gifts only come from "Dad", babysitting is, again, only "dear old Dad." Dad is the only one that receives a thank you. Dad wouldn't know what gifts were purchased if his life depended on it. Before anyone says anything, I choose to help with the grandskids. It's not their fault SD is rude and ungrateful for all I do. I do blame DH for much of this. Rather than speaking up to SD and telling her that I purchased the gifts, or I was the one who babysat, he accepts the praise.

20 plus's picture

My goodness we must share a SKID! I never get thanked unless DH reminds them. I told him to stop it is fake and I am going to stop buying the gifts. I have sewn for the SKIDS ans the grandkids with no acknowledgement. I thinking about picking out the most horrendous things and pretending they are the perfect gift DH wouldn't catch on for a while :). DH is so clueless about gifts most of the time.

Aniki-Moderator's picture


Disillusioned's picture

Wow WSM, that's my life foo! I Other than SGS7 who is old enough now to appreciate things, I don't bother much with OSD. I stopped even thinking of her as anything more than a despicable relative or 'coworker' of my husband. Ironically of late, she is somewhat better

forgotten wife's picture

That's what I told my DH I am: their father's wife. And they are my husband's children, his mother is my husband's mother, his sisters are my husband's sisters. After 16 years of being a stepmother with totally ungrateful skids and in-laws, that's the best they will ever be to me from now on.
Count yourself lucky. You can now keep them in the type of relationship with you that they belong in: your husband's kids. They are his responsibility and BM's responsibility. Take care of you and your DH.

Susan75756's picture

My SD's mom died. They treated me very badly at first. Thing is they knew me from childhood. They are all in late 30's or early 40's. From what I'm reading, I should happy with how they introduce me but with the history of how they treated me early on, I feel they don't want to include me as part of the family. I'm never asked to be in pics which is hurtful to me too. I'm the only grandmother on their dads side to all 7 grandchildren. Maybe I need to rethink things.

forgotten wife's picture

Yep, no pics of me, either. And that's after years of making sure pics of them were all over the house. I even placed a pic of their BM by their beds (she's still alive).

Don't care now. They can't hurt me anymore because I don't care about them anymore. And, I have my son's children for grandchildren. At least, I'm appreciated and loved on that side and now, that's all that counts to me.

WSM wants peace's picture

I'm never asked to be in pictures either, only DH. Always appears that DH is the only person at the events. I'm on to her intentional, hurtful game and I don't give a rat's a$$ anymore.

Shaman29's picture

I introduce DH's kid as "this is DH's kid"

I introduce myself as DH's wife.

She calls me either Dad's wife or my stepmom.

I have little to no relationship with this kid, so as long as she doesn't introduce me at the slutty, psycho-bitch from hell, then I'm good.

smithsgirl's picture

Well ,I've never seen myself as a stepmum to my Skids. I'm very much disengaged,has always been like that ,but I do get on with them quite well. I know the eldest daughter refers to me as "stepmum",but none of the others do so would be weird hearing them call me "stepmum". Even though once the youngest's friends thought I was his mum but was corrected very quickly by him which annoyed me a bit - its like don't act like its the worst thing in the world !!
Growing up with friends quite a few of them referred to their step mum's and dad's as mums girlfriend ,boyfriend etc... No malice in involved just how they referred to them. In fact I remember a boy who I knew all through school who always referred to his stepdad by his name and this never changed through the years ,right from reception to last year's of secondary school even though he was the only "father"he knew. 
Of course ,if you're doing everything for the kids and basically acting like a mother then yeah I think I'd be slightly upset. 

frustrated-mom's picture

I wouldn't have even wanted my former SD to call me "stepmom". I was her dad's wife and nothing even vaguely related to being a mother. But she didn't ever call me anything other than "The B****". She wouldn't call her dad "dad" either. She called him his nickname.

cmwolfe1264's picture

When my OSD wasn't mad at me (back when she was married and having babies) she introduced me as her stepmom (and said rather proudly) on several occasions, since she turned 30, demanded a divorce and all hell broke loose she introced me as her Dad's wife the last time she did it which happened to be on my birthday and she sat there and said not a word when DH told her and her children it was my birthday. Her 3 children said Happy Birthday Grandma to me but she didn't (such class huh). I used to call them all my stepkids now I refer to them as my husband's children. Personally I would rather not be associated/linked to them in any way, I find it embarassing as they are so rude, unkind and disgusting so it is offensive to me be called their stepmom. At this stage I don't really give a crap what they call me or think of me anymore. I stay far, far away from the SDs and avoid the SSs (who are much nicer/kinder to me) if at all possible.

WSM wants peace's picture

I'm sorry cmw, we share the same SD. We were in the same vehicle on my birthday, she didn't tell me Happy Birthday but sent a FB message to me instead. We were sitting next to each other too, guess it was too much to speak. God help the grandskids with someone like that as an example.

cmwolfe1264's picture

OMG, WSM that is absolutely horrible! Yes, I have the same thoughts regarding the grandskids. I just pray alot that God will watch over them and help guide them in the right direction since their Mother sure isn't going to steer them there! AAArrrrgggghhh Wink

Very frustrated's picture

Thanks for the post Susan75756 as I have had the same issue for 20 years and each time it happens, my feelings get hurt. After reading what others have to say, I'm going to stop letting it hurt because I never thought of looking at it from the point of view of my not wanting to be that nearly and dearly associated with them. I raised my own children to be kind and civil to all others, no matter who, so I don't want to be connected in any way to the steps.

svillemomof4's picture

At first I was "Dad's girlfriend". No big deal. I got it. Then I became "StepMom" or "Mom" seeing as how their mom was a biatch. Then it was nothing, we didn't speak for a bit. Now I am "StepMom" or "Other Mom". I really don't care how the introduce me, they say "stepmom" proudly and with affection so that is all that matters. As long as you don't feel like they are doing it to hurt your feelings then just be glad they do introduce you.

ltman's picture

I could always tell when my mom was pissed at me, she would introduce me as her adopted daughter. It was irksome.

The youngest SD33 did the same thing when we were speaking. They're both deeply flawed.

NMO's picture

I have been with my hubby for 7 years..married for 2.  I asked my SDs how they would like to be introduced at the wedding and I got "you can introduce us as XXX daughters".  I was hoping to say my bonus daughters or my daughters through marriage, but no.  I was also told at that time that my then 6 month old granddaughter could not call me "Grandma" as that was being reserved for the real grandmas.  They suggested "nana", which I agreed to.  They said I could call my son in law, just that, as he is an "in law" and that I could call me granddaugher my granddaugher.  A year or so ago we were all out and my granddaughter and I were playing with each SD's boss saw us and said "Boy, you can sure tell she loves her Grandma".  I thought my SD was going to come unglued!  She said "shes not her grandma, she my dads girfriend, wait...youre his wife now".  It was so, so embarassing...but I believe just show her ignorance.  Made her look bad, not me.  The boss came back with the comment "regardless, you can sure tell she loves you".  Now, I just had a grandson born...and again, we are at the hospital.  the nurse says who are these people  and my SD replies "this is my Dad and his wife....and oh,she's Nana". 

AFter all this time, you would think this would change, but it will not.  My SD's parents have been divorced for 30+ years.  I came into the picture 7 years ago.  I have been more than kind to them...and to be honest, was so looking forward to having daughters.  I have no biological children of my own. But they wiill not "let it be".  I've tried all the suggestions on this board..and finally figured out that it is what it is.  I have run intererence for these kids for years...talking my hubby into going to events that are attended by his X too, for the sake of the kids and grandkids..  (My son in law introduces me as his mother in law.)

They don't appreciate me and the only time they want me around is when they have their "hand out" looking for funding for something.  So, no more.  I'm just taking the high road...and letting the chips drop where they may.      I suggest you do the same.

On a side note...after seeing what kind of adults these SD's have this point, I love them, but don't like them much, and am happy to be introducred as  "my Dad's wife".

Suemm44's picture

I would be ok with that. Or step mom. If there was no sarcastic tone to it , I'd be fine with it. 


Starlightwest's picture

I’m “dad’s wife” to SD which is fine by me. She a 33 year old that acts like a 15 year old. I don’t want anyone thinking I had a hand in raising that. SS calls me his stepmom now - he likes the term but I’d be happy with bonus mom. He’s got his issues but at least he’s pleasant and enjoyable to be around. 

Rags's picture

I'm just dad. Always have been (since SS-25 was 2yo) and always will be.

Interstingly in office conversation... SS refers to me as "dad" and the SpermIdiot as "gangster dad".  It cracks his coworkers up.

Livingoutloud's picture

My DD introducesy DH as “moms DH”. And she introduces exDHs wife as “dad’s wife”. She explained she does it because she met them in adulthood and doesn’t feel like “parent” is suitable here. Saying that, I wish she called them stepparents. 

My SDs introduce me as as SM

Disillusioned's picture

It depends on how they treat you generally I think.

My OSD used to imtroduce DH & I like this, "this is my Dad" and then just leave it hanging there who I was. Literally wouldn't even acknowledge I was standing there, obvisously with DH.

DH & I would be embarrassed and everyone else uncomfortable and DH would scramble to explain who I was. DH would say "and this is SD's SM, Disillusioned" 

Eventually she introduced us as this, "'this is my Dad" and then after a long uncomfortable silence "and his wife" 

At this point she simply says "this is my Dad" and after a short pause, "and his wife"


So, when I'm introducing her I simply follow her lead. I say, "this is my husband's daughter" 

YSD on the other hand is always introduced as my SD, she always introduces me as her SM or even her mother so again, I simply follow their lead

In my case, while I do think my OSD introduces me as her father's wife because she loves to be a disrespectful button-pusher, I also think she is truly uncomfortable saying step-mother. 

At the end of the day, when you stop caring about it so much, you'll feel much better! 


CANYOUHELP's picture

I do not want to be associated with them, period; no introductions please....   I am quite certain I know how they would introduce me to others, as I used to read about myself on FB; until I blocked the immature idiots. Some people never emotionally develop beyond the juvenile stage. If you are dealing with adult juveniles, it will be clearly and quickly evident to you. But, it is not their fault they were never given boundaries nor required to exhibit proper behavior to others. It is likely more than an introduction getting on your nerves, anyway.