Not sure how I feel
I don't know where to begin, I only know that it seems that everyone on here is going through similar things. I hope this place will make me feel not so alone.
I am married, 2 years we have been together for 7 and have known one another for 24+ years. I have one daughter (23) and he has 2 (28 and 30) the 28 year old lives with us in TX and the 30 year old (with her 10 year old son) lives in NY with her mother. The 28 year old SD came to live with us in May to start her life "over" after a second engagement that ended in a bad break up.
The living situation is tense, at best. There are mutual feelings throughout the family of jealousy. I suppose this is normal and to be expected. My daughter seems indifferent to the whole thing. She doesn't consider the SD as her dad but respects him just the same. She doesn't think of the SS's as sisters really but has known them most of her life so having them as SS's seems normal.
I thought the SD's were okay with everything until October when the older one came to visit. It was my understanding that she was here to celebrate the other ones birthday. It was my birthday when they arrived for the visit. Turned out the visit was to "straighten" me out about how I am supposed to treat them and basically what my "place" is in the family - THEIR family. Bottom line, I am not family.
I supposedly had text my daughter one night when she was upset about the fact that the SD wasn't helping with any of the housework (this is mandatory to live here without paying rent - fathers rules) my response was that her father told me she was lazy and that her mother had issues with it also but got no where with it. The text was discovered by the SD and instead of bringing it to my attention that she was hurt by it she called ALL her family in NY and told them all how awful I was treating her. Additionally she told them that I was being nice and doing things for her but it was just to look good to their father.
I was unaware that any of this took place and the text was read 4 months prior to the actual "attack" I received from the older SD. I was unable to defend my self because although the text was long gone and although they did understand what I said (repeating what I was told) I had NO RIGHT to comment on their (the SD's) behavior, lives or anything for that matter. I tried asking why it was okay for everyone else to say (while in my own home) that the younger SD was acting lazy, but was told by the SD's and husband, "it just isn't your place".
There was much more than went on but the line was clearly drawn, "this is our family.....this is yours" and don't think about crossing it. So much for the idea that since I have known the kids since they were infants and they have known my kid since then that we could all be happy. That is where they pollyanna comes in. What an idiot I have been.
Now I don't trust anything I am told, I don't trust that what I say is being taken the way it is meant. The communication is strained at best and damaged forever. Not to mention that although we all did a group hug apology at the end. It was obviously just pretend. I got no apology for the way they treated me, it was only me that was "required" to apologize.
There will never be trust again. The relationship with my husband is not the same at all. We cannot speak of our kids because I won't get involved or say anything. His daughter IS a slob and rarely helps with any of the housekeeping and he doesn't say anything because he doesn't want the fight. Ugh!
He is out of town for a few weeks and the SD has done nothing, my daughter has been doing all the housework so as not to upset me. My husband told me he was coming home unexpectedly for a week and we discussed keeping it a secret from the girls, as a surprise. For the past week we have talked on the phone every night about how surprised they will be. Last night I found that he had told his daughter a week ago, before me even. he got mad at me for "making a big deal out of nothing" when I simply said "I thought we were going to surprise them" Silly me for thinking of getting involved. I thought maybe he was coming home to see me, apparently not.
This has been months of absolute emotional torture. I don't feel like I belong in this relationship or this house anymore. I love my husband so much but is love enough to endure being told you don't belong? I hurt so much and keep silent all the time. I am so tired of feeling this way but don't know what to do.
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Comments
Thanks for the support. I
Thanks for the support. I just honestly don't know how to "get them out" of the house. The step daughter has no friends here.
Yep get them out of your
Yep get them out of your house they are ADULTS not children! Your dh needs to understand that you will be the one left when his kids have a life of their own and they can't do that if they are still living at home. Get them OUT!
I haven't thought of that
I haven't thought of that approach. "I will be the one left" I will use that in our next conversation.
No sure I agree with the
No sure I agree with the INCEST part of your reply.
I grew up in a verbally abusive household with divorced parents. I am not going to scar my kids or anyone elses with claims as bold as that. Thank you for your your imput though.
I wish I could! My husband
I wish I could! My husband says all the time how he can't wait until we are "empty nesters" but he doesn't do a darn thing towards making it happen.
My daughter is working part time and going to school part time, helping around the house.
His daughter, who came to start her life over, works full time, dropped out of her online classes (we forced to register for) after 3 weeks, goes to the gym every day and spent all her savings on Christmas gifts. She has no friends here and spends every waking moment texting and facebooking. He used to reprimand her about her laziness and since the "attack" he just lets it all slide.
My daughter is saving every penny she can so she can move out when she finds a place. Including going to a therapist EVERY week to recover from the lashing she got for being "the spoiled rotten little step-child" because she doesn't get yelled at. Which she used to but has grown up and doesn't do anything wrong - this week any way.
PLEASE I'd be throwing the
PLEASE I'd be throwing the best hissy fit I could til they were gone. That is just so wrong! I am the type that don't let up if I know something is wrong and I'm being wronged. I do not let up til it is resolved. My advise is to make it very clear to your dh that this is unacceptable and if he doesn't correct it you will be looking for another place to live, yes it is that serious.
I was afraid someone was
I was afraid someone was going to tell me it was that serious. I really don't want to think of that as the end result. I want to find a way to work this out. I would be seriously naive to think everything will turn out rosey but I want to work it out.
OK so you have learnt your
OK so you have learnt your lesson.
Personally I would have turned on my DH and said "OK, so where DO I fit in? Something to keep you warm at night and clean your house? Then you need to pay me more than nothing. Even hookers get paid! You have 24 hrs to rethink your relationship with me or you are welcome to your daughters. DD and I will be gone."
And as sad at that may be, knowing you leave with your fredom intact is worth much more. Your DH is being emotionally blackmailed by his daghters. He needs to call a halt to it or move out until all the kids are out of the house. In fact that may work. "Honey, as you don't value me as your wife and partner and place your 27 yr old daughter higher in your priorities than me (and one wonders why her relationships keep failing???). So until she is out on her own I am moving out. We can live our own lives and get together for dinner once a week. But no discussion about our respective children though. I am looking at apartments and should be out within the month. Balls in your court."
I agree with oneoffour. Be
I agree with oneoffour. Be gone when he does come back, even if it's just to a hotel. When he gets home to his nasty house & SD is all laid up doing NOTHING as usual, maybe he will rethink his position.
Sounds to me like he is
Sounds to me like he is putting his daughter ahead of you and her being at that age it is wrong. She is an adult and it doesn't matter if she has friends there or not she needs to move out into her own place. Growing up isn't about living somewhere that is convenient, it is just life and she needs to learn that. If she stays there soon your husband will just throw you on the side all together. You are the wife and queen of the house, not the skids.
So many things wrong
So many things wrong here!
1. Why is SD checking your daughter’s phone?
2. Why did your husband join the attack on you and tell you “It just isn’t your place” to comment yet the comment was made privately to your daughter and it’s absolutely NONE of their business what you discuss with her.
3. Your husband telling SD about coming home before telling you yet he tells you after the fact that this is a surprise? He sounds like he is enjoying playing these emotionally abusive games with you.
Looks like you have 2 options:
1. Stand up for yourself QUICK and try to save your sanity and possibly your marriage.
Or
2. Get away from all of them.
So sorry you are going through this and this really did hit home with me because there is so much here that I can relate to.
I wish you the best.
I agree with the other
I agree with the other posters, TX. Think of it this way: you are not helping SD by allowing her to take advantage of you and DH. And to treat you like a meaningless servant while mooching off you? That's some nerve! So she doesn't have any friends. Everyone at some point just has to get out there and make a life for themselves. It's part of growing up. I am alarmed by your DH siding with the girls. If you want this to work out with him, then I suggest counseling. Interview the counselors first and find one who is good at dealing with these types of issues. I have been through scenes like the one with the SDs and you were basically being abused and then told to suck it up. Control, control, control. That's what it's all about. It is really sickening that, as adults, they still consider that there is a family unit of father and children and you are the outsider. And he went along with it. He gave them "adult spousal status" ahead of you. Hon, it may be scary right now but you can do better than being an unpaid servant and concubine. DH needs to realize what he is going to lose if you walk. He needs to please you, not the other way around. Read Mama Gena.
If I were to "start my life
If I were to "start my life over" running to my parents doesn't even cross my mind. I am younger than her and even think this way. I don't think it is normal behavior.
Polly, The only fix that I
Polly,
The only fix that I know of for this situation is for you and DH to sit down and agree that your marriage comes first. Before your daughter, before his daughters, before anything.
The adult relationship is the core of the and the kids are beneficiaries of that relationship but they are not a party to the relationship.
I think you need to tell your DH what you shared with us here.
If he does not gain clarity that his daugthers are adults and have their own lives and that you and he are partners then he needs to go.
IMHO of course.
Best regards,
HS I cannot thank you enough
HS I cannot thank you enough for your comments. I read them over and over and over again and shared those exact things with my man last night. In the end he said he feels like he is put in the middle, much like I sometimes feel between when he and my daughter disagree. He realized that he was allowing his daughter to disrespect me but was afraid of causing more arguments. over-all, we both are hiding from the kids. For different reasons maybe but at the end of the day, it doesn't matter why its the fact that we are hiding. We both need to stand up and guide our kids down the right path TOGETHER and show them that no matter what they do or say, WE are going to work through it together.
The one comment that seems to come all to easily from many people on this site is "if it doesn't work out, leave" well that isn't an option for me. It isn't because of money or that I am emotionally or physically abused, it is because I am married to this man. I love him and he loves me and we agreed that running away was not an option. We have both gone through bad marriages and bad relationships and knew that if we didn't make the commitment to work things out NO MATTER WHAT we were not being fair to one another and most of all, we were showing our kids that marriage means nothing more than a piece of paper and you can walk out anytime things get tough. We want them to be strong women who can stand on their own two feet. Running away from our problems is not the way and if they think that if they are mean, I will run away, they are wrong and the same holds true for dad.
Yes, I am frustrated with the SD but she isn't going to win anything, she will find her place in life OUTSIDE OF MY HOUSE and together her father and I will get her there. I came on this site because sometimes I need to vent and have other people who are going through the same thing help me through it. Somethings I just need someone to bounce ideas off. No one persons ideas are right or wrong, and if I chose not to use soemones idea, it just means it wasn't right for me.
I have said it once and I will say it again, this site truly saved my emotional health the first day I found it. The sigh of relief I had knowing I was not alone, was the best ever. I am thankful for all the advice I get and I hope that one day I can help someone they way many of you have helped me.
Thank you
The talk was good, not great
The talk was good, not great but it will get better with time. Your advice was awesome.
Thanks I need to remember the new advice. I all too often am so upset I interrupt him and he gets frustrated...wonder why? I actually have put my hand over my mouth to remind myself to shut up.
Practice will help me improve.
You are awesome - to heck with those who don't see your greatness.
We can't make everyone happy all the time. Some people don't like criticism, I look at as an opportunity to learn about myself, as long as the criticism isn't presented in a mean and hurtful way. :O