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Hi everyone!

Nursejulee's picture

I hope all of you are doing well. I don’t know how you deal with this shit. So no word from either one of them for two days which has been a relief. 

I think I know what all this stemmed from and I am telling complete strangers this. You see, when I was 18 my mom was murdered in front of me and he tried to kill me too. I couldn’t save my mom because this son of a bitch set my house on fire. This is the month she died. I was only 18. So I had no family after that and then I met my husband who had “two adorable” girls. I think I wanted a family so bad that I just gave in over and over again. I let so many things go. For example, my OSD got married 10 min from where my mom was murdered. She has NO family there whatsoever. She just liked the chapel but I sucked it up and went. It was so hard on me to do that. I haven’t been a perfect step mom but I promise you I have given it all. All I ever wanted was a family. I KNOW that sounds pathetic and I think my husband is standing by me but I also know he’s easily manipulated. I blame myself for anytime the kids wanted something, I would go buy it. And look, I’m not whining about that. A couple of years ago I took the two girls and my husband to a beautiful spa. We stayed 3 nights. It cost me thousands. I did it for one reason and one reason only. I wanted to reunite as a family. I don’t have any friends that are stepmoms who would do that. They have always known I have money and it’s been one thing or another. The sad thing is I just wanted to be loved even if it wasn’t real. I wanted to believe this was real. I sound like a fool typing this. Someone mentioned the text from my OSD and they are right. She is a compulsive liar and she’s the worst. I would never have talked to a parent that way. My husband and I both know Abby never intended for me to go. I know you have all seen the text I sent to my YSD. I wasn’t trying to be vindictive. I was pouring my heart out and maybe it didn’t come out the way it should have. My husband said it wasn’t right to tell her well I did this, this, and this. And what I said to him was maybe you are right, but everything I said was the truth. My plan is just to stay away from them and try to live my life. My husband can do what he wants. I don’t want them at my house and I can leave if I need to. I feel rage and hurt. I’m so damn angry at myself putting up with this BS from them. They are “mean girls” no doubt. Some might feel this is relief but I just feel heartbroken and I’m sad 18 years of my life have been wasted. Can someone just tell me how in the hell to deal with this? What about family events? Seeing grandkids? Please just help. I’m severely depressed and I know it. And yes, I’m seeing someone. And yes, I take medicine that is obviously not working. I’m absolutely the villain now and that’s just the way it is. I feel bad for my husband because he has that unconditional love for him but I don’t. Please just help me. 

ESMOD's picture

Here's the thing.. the message you sent had consequences.  From her sister's message it seems that perhaps you weren't excluded??? Maybe it was just like she said.. she just naturally assumed you would be going with your DH?

And.. I know you have been hurt and feel very used.. but I do kind of think people get overly offended when someone calls them "dad's wife"... It is a true statement.  It may be a way of quickly  explaining who you are.. their father's wife.. I don't think the semantics are worth that much either way to be honest.

Now, you are very entitled to your feelings and it sounds like you did way more than you could have ever needed to for these girls.  Maybe because you were trying to make up the karma from the loss of your mom.. you overcompensated?  I think your husband expected too much for you to do all you did and now in hindsight... you wonder why you did so much for people that did not have a great connection with you.

I'm not sure how you guys heal this. 

Nursejulee's picture

When my husband mentioned to her that it was rude to not invite me, she told him he can’t tell her what to do. 3 months ago I took up for my husband because she lied about him and I told her simply that it was not true and also to act grateful when someone does something for you. Her sister lives in another state and she has no idea. My husband and I know with everything in is, she didn’t invite me. When we tried to talk to her, she said, “y’all deserve each other”. There was no misunderstanding. They are both compulsive liars. She has always wished me a Happy Mother’s Day except for this year. We didn’t misunderstand her texts especially the one to my husband. 

Rags's picture

No, you are absolutely not the villain.  And you have not wasted 18yrs of your life. You have a marriage, you and DH are a family.  That does not have to, nor should it include the bitch twin SD's.

Quit victimizing yourself.  Embrace  your life and your marriage. Live it well and let the SDs wallow in the stench of their lack of character.  As for family events, you go, to each and every one. On your DH's arm, and he on yours.  Pamper yourself instead of the Skids.  Demonstrate how nice you are to the GSkids. If they embrace the toxicity of their mother(s) then they get the same write off status as the SDs.  Before any family event go to your favorite salon for a full meal deal facial, mani, pedi, make over.  Go to your favorite clothingboutique then attend the event rocking your best look and smile, beaming your happiness on your DH's arm and let the roaches scurry for the dark corners. They always do when hit by bright light. Be the bright light.

Yes, you have money. That does not mean you waste it on toxic morons.   My bride and I hear the same crap from a number of the IL clan.  How we are spoiled (we went to college, grad school, obtained professional certs, and have had successful careers), and greedy for not sharing with them.  They of course don't say it directly to us but they play those passive aggressive cards in a manner that insures that we get the message.  We ignore their crap, offer advice on how they can make better decisions, and then we proceed to enjoy the fruits of our life efforts. We do not respond to manipulation, we do not respond to their attempts to play the starving deprived children (our Nieces and Nephew) card, we interface with them entirely on our terms.

We learned long ago that giving money or notable gifts just motivates more entitlement and victim crap from them.

So, don't feed the toxic, invest in your own life and happiness, you and DH enjoy your life together, attend every event your DH attends, and do it in a way that makes your superiority obvious to even the most dense of the toxic and shallow gene pool.

My condolences regarding your mom.  I cannot possibly immagine that experience.  However, I am confident  your mom would want you to enjoy your life and not waste your happiness on THEM.

Take care of  you.

GoingWicked's picture

I think one of the greatest gifts I gave myself in my 20s was learning to be happy all by myself, single, living alone.  I don’t need my DH to make me happy, my family, or my kids, certainly not my SD.  I just need a good book or a puzzle or a game, a fun club to join, and a few good friends to hang out with.  

So I’m a wife that will travel alone and go out and have a blast without her husband, a mom that still worries over her kids, but I’m seriously looking forward to an empty nest.  I’m not afraid to be left alone due to death or divorce, though I’d be really sad about it. 

I think the best part is that I feel free and it unburdens the people in my life, they don’t have to sit with me and feel sorry for me because I feel lonely.

Kes's picture

Quite often, depression arises as a direct result of life events, as it has in your case - you are not "naturally" depressed (ie endogenous depression as they call it) it is because of what's happened.  You just need to process events and come to some sort of peace with them, which you are doing here on the site, and also in your head. 

Also, something I tell myself that makes things a bit better, is that I was a very damaged person (by emotional neglect in childhood) and as such I sometimes made decisions that were not for the best for my welfare, although I couldn't see it at the time.  You suffered a severe trauma with the death of your mother, and it left you vulnerable.   Pls don't give yourself a hard time on top of what you are coping with.   You are certainly NOT the "villain".  Get that idea right out of your head.  My DH has that habit - ie he sees things from other people's point of view and criticises himself.  Don't do that - try advocating for yourself for a change.