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sandye21's picture

Idvilen posted on an old thread yeasterday about our trust in DH's.  I think it is important to post this to a current thread.  Here is what Idvilen posted:

You know, I’ve been banging my head on the wall for years trying to figure what it was I lost that day years ago, and now rereading this blurb, I wonder if that wasn’t what I lost, “I wonder if he would run off again if I was in need of his support.”  Yes, I’ve made some peace now with what happened and with my husband, and I hope I will have no problem calling a spade a spade now, no matter whom is present or no matter how many, but when you see your DH leave your a$$ on the floor while he stands off to the side sans his balls (he left them in his ex’s purse, apparently), it does something to ya.  Yep, I get to wonder about that the rest of my life, now: “I wonder if he would run off again if I was in need of his support.”  Because, he did it once +.  He could do it again.  I get cancer, where would he be?  BM and I get cancer at the same time and the kids want him to be w/ her, where would he be?  I get to wonder now, for real.

I’m saying this more for the divorced men with children who go on to marry someone else than I’m saying it for myself or other SMs.  Is that the “gift” you want to leave to your wife?  A woman who took you in and loved you and your children despite all of that baggage?  Is this what you want to leave your wife with—wondering if you would run off again if she was in need of your support?  If you don’t think you can support a new wife in a true husband-like fashion, then don’t date and don’t remarry once divorced.  Instead, dedicate the rest of your life to fulfilling your ex’s and adult children’s whims and wishes.  Whatever you do, don’t pretend you can move on and deal with it and get heavily involved with or marry another woman, and then, rather than support her as your wife, instead you play/ act “I can’t make up my mind who is on first” and leave her with her a$$ on the floor and with the lifetime gift of having to, “wonder if he would run off again if I was in need of his support.”

sandye21's picture

Idvilen, It IS sad that we live with men who we can not fully trust to be there for us.  This thread began in 2011, less than a year after SD's meltdown and subsequent banning from our home so it was still rather fresh.  I have come a long way in 7 years but the question still remains:  Can I depend on DH's support if I really needed it or how would he react if something were to happen to SD?

I can remember one experience with DH a few years after we were married.  I was going through a terrible time at work - discrimination in a 'man's' job in the Government.  I was so upset the doctor wanted me to take a week off of work.  When I told DH I wanted to quit my job he went ballistic about financially supporting me (temporary) and insisted I return immediately because, "They will think you are nuts."

There have also times when I was sick and needed DH, and he just wasn't there for me.  One time I broke my leg and he refused to take me to the doctor - I finally had to drive myself using my left leg.  Several times I had to justifiably defend myself and DH got angry with me for expecting his support.

Although DH has been wonderful to me in the last few years, and we have a good marriage now, these experiences have been burned into my mind.  Now I would be prepared if DH were to dessert me.  I guess the answer is still, I have come a long way in 7 years, have learned to depend on myself and create a 'cushion' for 'just in case'.

One thing that has also occurred, I have learned to value myself as worthy of mutual respect.  I am sure this happens with many SM's, but I am willing to give as much or just a tad more than what is given to me by DH and not offer more.  This means that if he needs me I will repay his 'generosity' and 'thoughtfulness' in kind.  I do not owe it to him to sacrifice myself where he wouldn't.  If he went broke and needed financial help or became physically incapacitated, I would not feel any guilt if I let him handle it on his own.  You reap what you sow.

susanm's picture

You can forgive but forgetting is just plain stupid.  I have never understood the "forgive and forget" combo.  That is just asking to get hurt again in the same way.  People make mistakes, sometimes very bad ones, and when you do the math sometimes you choose sticking by them for one reason or another.  But that doesn't mean you have to be a sitting duck just waiting for a disaster.  Of course you protect yourself.  And obviously you are not going to be as selflessly giving as before.  Emotional protection is as important as an emergency nestegg.  The relationship can continue and can be good again but if it is damaged then it is damaged.  Actions have consequences.

Rags's picture

^^^^^^ Absolutely this. There is wisdom in the concept of "Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me."

Kes's picture

I think I have come a long way since I got together with my DH in 2002.  I had just got over a serious mental breakdown in 1999, ended my 24 yr marriage - so I was vulnerable and shaky.  I put up with a LOT from the situation with NPD BM and the SDs where DH didn't have my back, which I would never, ever put up with now.  I think both he and I have learned about boundaries - he sets them for NPD and the SDs - I set them for all of them!  

Just recently - in April of this year - we went to stay with DH's mother and stepfather and they treated us so badly that we are now estranged from them.  I have told DH I never want to go there again, and at present I have got her blocked on email and social media.  Before, I never would have dreamed of standing up for myself, I just would have taken all the sh!tty treatment. This site has had a role in my new, assertive self too.  

disrestep's picture

It does make you think about all the "what if's" there can be in the future.

 Sandye21, your DH not helping you with a broken leg. That would of been a deal breaker for me. You are a courageous and kind person for rebuilding your marriage after that and the not supporting you through your rough time at work. I too worked in an environment that was male-dominated and was paid less than male counterparts for no reason and was treated differently being female. I'm not male bashing here guys, I like men. It's just how it is at some places. It is not a fun thing to go through, nevermind not having your spouse to be supportive. 

I think in many cases, we need to do what is best for ourselves and plan for our futures accordingly.

Yup, forgiving is one thing; but how does one forget such things?

Rags's picture

 I am not a "what if person".  I am a pragmatist.  Anytime I hear "what if...." the first thing that comes to mind is ".... monkeys fly out of my butt!"  I don't spend much time forecasting what might happen other than to keep in mind that the most likely future performance of any person is indicated by their past behavior.