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DH allowing adult SS to live with us while doing drugs

Biblicalunicorn's picture

I have two girls that I’m mother to who are 7 and 9. They live with us full time other than three weekends a month they spend with their father. My DH has a son who is 19 who lived with us since finishing high school and was always a good, straight arrow of a kid, until he got involved with a rough girl from a rough background. He started getting fired from jobs, sitting at home, lying constantly about any and everything and recently wrecked our brand new car. He also started we suspected doing marijuana and tonight he finally admitted that he and this girl are doing drugs together. None the less, DH is still going to let him live here, drive our car, and bring the girl around. He claims he is going to make him stop doing drugs by drug testing him and the girl (they are 19) and making him move out if they fail. Kids are smart enough to figure out how to pass those things. 

I am livid, for the sake of my own children. I don’t want druggies around my children. If there are drugs found in this house, I could lose custody of my children. Furthermore, DH has a 13 year old son by a different mother.  My girls’ father and the boy’s mother would be on me in a second. My knee jerk reaction is if he doesn’t want to stay clean and wants to run around with rough people, he needs to do it in his own apartment where he pays his own bills and drives his own vehicle. Also, rough people are followed by rough people. What’s going to happen when he angers her or she slights a drug dealer or something and these rough people come looking for her here? I feel like DH is willing to risk the security of everyone else in our family for the sake of trying to control his son’s choice to do illegal drugs. 

SteppedOut's picture

That would be a deal breaker for me. I wouldn't risk my kids for a man coddling a drug user. And he even crashed your new car.... And he is going to let him continue to use it? That just shows he is not really going to do anything if his son continues to be a $hit bird. 

Biblicalunicorn's picture

That’s how I am feeling, too. It’s like DH wants to be a roommate, not a father. I stood up to him about it tonight and he yelled at me to get the F out because his kids come first and he refused to sleep in the bed with me. Honestly I don’t care at this point. His fits aren’t going to phase me this time. 

ndc's picture

Based on your DH's reaction to you standing up to him, I would guess that his drug testing plans will fall by the wayside and the SS  will be living in your house, doing his drugs, getting fired from jobs and hanging with his rough girlfriend and her rough associates, for quite a while.  This would be a hill to die on for me.  My children would NOT be living in the home with his adult child who is using drugs and hanging with a questionable crowd.  It would be one thing if your husband was doing something to get the kid on the straight and narrow, but he's not, so I would not tolerate this situation.

What is your financial situation?  Who owns the home?  Do you have relatives nearby you could go stay with for a while?  You can "get the fuck out" as he told you to, and hope that your husband gains some clarity.  I'm sure if you leave, your husband's younger child's mother will figure something is up and he'll have that issue to deal with as well.  At least you know that his son is his priority and you can plan accordingly.

CompletelyPuzzled's picture

I really think you should walk.  This would be my hill to die on.  You know the consequences of staying, if drugs are found in the house.  And, I have a hard time believing your DH will change.  My mom is going through the same thing with my stepdad.  His son is on drugs and refuses to work.  My stepdad refuses to do anything and just let his sleazy girlfriend move in against mom's wishes.  To make matters worse, this has been going on for 3 years! Every time my mom gets ready to walk, her husband promises that he will fix it.  He gets tough on his son for a few days and then it stops.  My mom has no young kids so she doesn't have to worry about that, but they have had several drug dealers show up to the house and make threats.  Do you really want your kids to witness things like that?

Also, if my DH ever told me to "get the f out", I'd oblige him.  He obviously doesn't care about your feelings or your safety.

jam's picture

He told you "HIS KIDS COME FIRST". Maybe you should tell him "Our marriage should come first but since you insist on putting your kids first I have NO CHOICE but to do the same! My girls come before ANY IRRESPONSIBLE DRUGGY & HIS BAND OF THUGS and since YOU wont protect my girls, I WILL!!!!!

You and your girls will be miserable if you back down on this.

I sympathize with you and your situation. Good luck

tog redux's picture

Forget the drugs, him telling me to get the fork out, and his kids come first would end the marriage for me.

Bye DH.

GrabitAndGo's picture

For your own financial security you need to get out.  Your SS gets drunk/high and seriously injures or hurts someone while he's driving a car owned by you and/or DH, and it could be disastrous.  

Just out of curiousity, how does your DH think he make the girlfriend take drug tests?  

Aniki's picture

You have an obligation to protect your children - even from your husband's idiocy. Your H is anything but 'D' with his shite attitude. 

If you can't love yourself more, love your children enough to leave or tell that jerk H to leave and go shack up with his son.

MissTexas's picture

who he is backing, and it's not you and your girls. 

As for him "drug testing them" this is ludicrous. All they have to do it pay someone to pee in a cup who doesn't use, and "pass the drug test." 

Let me guess, he wrecked the new car, and of course is not being held accountable for it, and will bear no financial responsibility for it. 

First and foremost in THIS SITUATION, because there is child endangerment at hand due to the drug use, and your concerns about drug deals gone wrong and retaliation, you must get your girls out of that environment if your DH has proven his loyalty lies with his drug abusing son.

Also, given the circumstances, I may feel compelled to notify the mother to his other child. There's a good chance she has no idea as to what her ex is allowing, but also encouraging by his actions  to go on in the home.

Let your heart be your compass, and plan accordingly.

Siemprematahari's picture

This is a hill to die on for me. He didn't even discuss this with you and just decided its ok for SS to move in? Was this house your H's and you moved in?

Don't subject your kids to this f@ckery. Your H has no respect for you or your marriage.

captjacksprrw's picture

Thank God I did noty have to face a drug issue.  Dittos to many of the comments here.  DH is Not placing your marriage at the center and I would seriouly doubt he will follow through on kicking the dear baby out even if he failed a drug test.  Consider your well being and your children.  Clearly and firmly tell DH that you cannot accept this  In fact, if the house is in both names go to the local magistrate (not certian 100% how it works in your home state) and file papers for eviction.  Have the 19 yo served.  Tell DH either he goes or you do. In some states, you and DH could lose your cars and your house if you're allowing SS19 to live there and he's involved in drugs. 

I had a neice who just could not leave deadbeat druggie baby daddy.  The mention of bad people follow bad people is true.  In this case, baby daddy angered the wrong other druggie (his sister's SO). Then baby dady got high, went to sisters at midnight and kicked in the door.  Other druggie stabbed him and nearly gutted him like a fish.  Through a ton of medical work and rehab he lived but just look at what my neice's daughters were exposed to .. You cannot take this chance.  DH has to make the hard choice.

Panther1's picture

in their own peer group by around the ripe old age of 12-14 in my opinion.

Sounds like the 19yo is going through a rebellious age and stage of life and hopefully he will recover.

I would work with your DH for implementing tough love and tough consequences while trying to maintain a parental connection.

Rags's picture

Inform DH that if his druggie spawn sets foot in your home you will call the police. Each and every time.

DH needs to grow a few brain cells and stop thinking with his emotions.  You need to introduce him to this unequivocal requirement.

As a parent you need to give clarity to DH and his idiot prior relationship spawn that they will not be allowed to jeopardize the health and safety of  your young children.  Any time SS or his druggie GF set foot at  the door they should have to pee in a cup (14 panel urine test) on the porch before they set foot in  your home.  Better yet, make them pee in a cup at the curb before they set foot on your property.

I have no tolerance for semi adults who make idiot decisions like SS and his GF are making and even less tolerance for an abject failure of a parent who facilitates/tolerates their druggie spawn's choices.  Particularly when there are young minor children in the home.

NYCEastside's picture

That is your job as a mother. They should not be exposed to this kind of behavior. Hopefully, you can convince your husband to practice "tough love." That means kicking out his druggy son and only letting him back if he is sober for more than 6 months and either has a job or is going to school. If the son winds up living on the street, maybe he will come to his senses. Not YOUR problem. He is a grown man. There are some issues which are black and white. This is one of them.