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I know I'm not alone! - (Meant this as a blog not a new forum)

lmrnmr's picture

Hello everyone.  I'm new here and finding it helpful and theraputic.  This is my first blog, though I've commented on other posts.  I recently remarried a man I knew 30 years ago.  We are both divorced, his newer than mine, and have a child each...I have a 22 year old son and he has a 14 year old daughter. He and my son get along great.  His daughter would rather he be single and doesn't speak to me. She did when we first started dating, was friendly, polite... Then we got engaged and it all changed.  

It was all very fast, we had only been dating for a few months when he asked me to marry him.  I knew on the first date, after 30 years, that he was going to be in my life!  Like I said, it was fast.  And his exwife made sure to voice her opinion about it, and everything else, from the get go.  She was the one who asked for the divorce.  They had been living in the same house but seperate lives for 10 plus years.  People I know who are friends with my husband say it wasn't a good marriage.  But I digress.  She, too, had someone new and lied to the daughter telling her he was just a friend and NOT living in their house.  But he wasn't just a friend and was living in the basement.  

It's been a roller coaster and I want to get off.  I knew there would be challanges but not like this.  Not someone telling her child not to care or like me or her father becasue after all "he doesn't care about you anymore." "You don't come first." "If he cared about your feelings he wouldn't be getting married." "Time with him should just be the two of you."  These are texts I've seen and I could go on and on. I've tried everything I can think of to get along with SD but she ignores me in my own house.  She's rude and disrespectful, which is partly the age (I teach middle school...lol), and speaks to her father in that manner.  He was the stay at home parent and they were together 24/7 and very close.  I get it, she's had A LOT of changes and feels like I took something from her.  And as. middle school reading specialist this is my demegrophic.  But this is a different animal all together and I have no idea what to try next.

Comments

Harry's picture

This is a major change in father/daughter relationship.  DD was first for many years and now she is not.  She know you can do thing for him she can not. Only hope is when she gets older and with someone she will see things differently.  

As of now you have to disengage from her, don’t play her game.  Be nice to her, say hello, goodby, but don’t buy her anything, or cook for her or clean for her or take her anywhere.  Let her DF do that 

lmrnmr's picture

Thank you.  That's what I'm trying to do but he wants us to spend time together so baddly.  I feel bad telling him I don't want to but I can't put myself out there right now.  I was also a single mother for 22 years and always said it was my son's father's responsibility, not his wife's, to get my son or drop him off...  He was never consistant so it became a different issue all together.  Also, how do I not cook for her if I'm cooking for everyone else inthe house?

Winterglow's picture

You cook the meal but expect everyone (including her) to eat it. No cooking anything else for her if she doesn't. 

tog redux's picture

Listen - this can go on for years, and to the point where the child no longer speaks to you and DH. Please think through whether or not this man is worth the trouble.

MurphysLaw's picture

He will only be worth it if he CONTINUES to put the brat & biohag IN THEIR PLACE.

Good luck! The % of men that actually do are pretty slim around these parts, but they do exist.

Lndsy747's picture

I see in your profile you mention that DH is a stay at home dad and homeschools SD. Is that still the case or did that change?

lmrnmr's picture

That changed.  She wanted to go back to public school so this was her first year back in a few years.  She went to a Christian school before he started homeschooling her.  Mom works for the post office so it was the logical choice that he work part time, stay home and care for their child as they didn't want her in child care.  He now works full time out of the house and is back in college finishing his degree for education.  Mom didn't want daughter to go to school and told him he was being selfish for going back to school himself.  

Aniki's picture

Welcome to STalk!

Your DH needs to speak to his daughter. Her lack of respect and crappy attitude are a result of his and BM's parenting. The fact that she's disrespectful to her father speaks volumes. She has been allowed to behave this way.

While it is not a requirement for you two to like each other, it SHOULD be a requirement that she is respectful. Middle school is old enough to know that - NO excuses. It also sounds like the BM is doing her best to step-PAS her child against you.

Block BM. At this point, I would semi-disengage with SD. IMO, this situation has a slight similarity to working with people I dislike. I only speak with them when absolutely necessary. I remain polite and profressional and do my job. Nothing more; nothing less.

lmrnmr's picture

Thanks.  I agree and he does as well.  We've talked about it and he take responsibility and is trying to undo some of the bad habits she's learned. We have both told her I may not be her mother but I'm an adult and you are to respect adults.  Mother talks to him the same way in front of daughter and doesn't correct daughter when she is rude and disrespectful.  She has actually made the comment that they taught her if you don't have something nice to say you say nothing.  Excellent!  But saying hello or answering me when I ask what she wants for dinner are very different things from telling me she deosn't like me.  I'm trying to step back but don't want to hurt him in the process.  

 

Aniki's picture

Then tell him that, unless/until she responds respectfully, you will not interact. If she's snotty, walk away and make your DH deal with her. Don't deal with insolent, disrespectful children.

thinkthrice's picture

And Good Luck!  (google: mini wife)