You are here

Is it policing or parenting?

lmrnmr's picture

Hello all!  I've written in the past about the relstionship with my 15, going on 16, year old SD and how things were going. They have gotten better and she and I get along fine.  For the past month, due to the quarentine, she has been with us as her mother works with the public on a daily basis and doesn't want to take the chance of infecting her.  Before the quarentine she has been told by her father that as a member of this household (and she's with us more than her mom anyway) she needs to pitch in and empty the dishwasher.  THAT'S IT...EMPTY it.  Not put the dirty dishes in, because she doesn't like touching them, just empty it, put things where you know they go and leave the other stuff.  We have since labeled where everything go es so that's not an issue.  

On many occasions she has not done it and has to be told every time.  At times her father will just do it because he'd rather get it done than argue...that's how it was when he was married to her mother too. My son, 23, gets upset because the rules are "different" from when he was 15 and this was our house, (mine and my son's) before I remarried.  He doesn't want to see me taken advantage of. I also need to mention that he is spending the quarentine with his girlfriend because he too works with the public but when he is home for a hot minute, he empties the dishwasher, fills it, and runs it even though he DID NOT dirty ANY of the dishes.

Anyway, we have had many "discussions" about the dishwasher issue, among other things like her messy room, not bringing her clothes to the laundry to be washed or wash them herself...  It's come to a head once already and was about to today when he opened the dishwasher to empty it because she was asleep at 3 in the afternoon and "must not feel well."  "NO!  Wake her up and have her do it like you told her to this morning when she was done with her school work!"  So he did.  Then I asked what she was doing and if she answered him and he said she did and when I asked what she said his reaspose was "You don't let up!"  He thinks we need to take baby steps and not through anything new at her under the circumstances!  WTF!!  This is the perfect time to teach her new things to be helpful around the house.  Even when he asks her to help him take something from the car to the back yard she will say no or ignore him and he just does it!  

So, am I policing or parenting!!!

Oh, BTW...she did empty it and I have told her, and her dad has backed me, that a good rule of thumb is if you have to put a dish in the sink, open the dishwasher and see if it has room for the dish or needs to be emptied.  I think I'll make a sign!

Comments

Cover1W's picture

OMG - DH calls me an "authortarian" parent and if I dare even mention "chores" or "expectations" he throws that in my face and goes on a rant about how I grew up a certain way (on a farm, yes, I did A LOT as a kid) and "things have changed" and "kids live differently now..."  blah blah blah.

Has he once ever stopped to ASK what I expect of YSD14?  Like you, unload the dishwasher once it's done, set or clear the table for dinner if she doesn't help cook it, bring in the mail when she walks by it ever day, bring the empty trash can to the garage once a week.  THAT'S ALL I ASK and for that I'm authortarian because obviously one must do everything for the child.  I mean, I'm not even remotely asking that she do what I did (clean horse stalls, help repair fences, help cut/stack wood for the winter, etc., etc.) It makes me angry and frustrated and he doesn't see that to be a part of the household it doesn't mean coddling, but ACTIVELY be a part of the household.

So I just stopped.  I still just stop myself.  HE does it all when she's here.  If he wants to talk about it and how things are I simply tell him that until he reads some of the information about step kids from a SM perspective (not at all long or confrontational) then I have no input.  He can do it himself.

lmrnmr's picture

His reasoning is that he did it for 20 years when with her mother.  He was the stay at home parent and did EVERYTHING!  And to avoid an arguement he just did it instead of standing up for himself.  Asking her to help with trash night or getting the mail would be a feet as she NEVER goes outside. And when we do make her come with us for a family it's always "How long will this be? When are we leaving? Why are we sitting here? My phone is dead? You didn't tell me to bring a sweatshirt or where we were going so I would being a sweatshirt!....."  Setting the table...lol.  And cooking!  I asked her to chop lettuce for me while Icooked the meat for tacos and her reply was I don't cook.  So I followed her to her room and told her I could use her help.  After telling her to washher hands, because she was playing with the dog, she stood at the counter staring at the knife, cutting board, and lettuce, that I put out for her and said "I literally don't know how to do this."  So what do I do because it gets under my skin and I clam up and he knows something is bothering me.

Cover1W's picture

Your question above is "So what do I do because it gets under my skin and I clam up and he knows something is bothering me."

My answer:  Time. 

My DH is not an active parent, obviously.  I've been with him for 6 years, almost 7.  The SDs were 7 and 9 and now they are 14 and 16.  I've learned that disengaging helps my mental state, I do get annoyed and PO'd at things, that's normal.  But I know what will and won't help and what I will and won't ask. 

Examples:  If your SD won't cook and won't help you, then don't ask.  I asked my OSD this a lot at the beginning and she'd do exactly what yours did, either just stand there with her hands at her side or saying "ew" or "gross" or whatever, and I just stopped.  I assigned her a different task (setting table) until she stopped doing that.  Then I just stopped including her in meal planning.

All the questions prior to an outing?  Same problem here.  1) I try not to go if it's something either I don't want to do or isn't important.  DH can deal with SDs.  2) If I do go, I ignore and DH can deal with SDs.

BTW:  eventually my OSD was alientated and we don't see her any longer.  I think DH is afraid of this with YSD, but he doesn't see that NOT making her interact is creating a rift anyway.

If DH knows I'm annoyed and I want to talk with him, I am very careful not to "blame" anyone but just state the facts.  State my feelings.  Most of the time I'm able to leave the room or just move on from it (practice) but again, the more you do it the more you won't care and won't get annoyed.

Harry's picture

He should be parenting his DD to be a person.  To be on her way to be an Adult.  To wash her clothes,  clean up after herself. To do her shair of housework.  But he just letting her do what she wants.  This kid will never leave you Bevause it's all done for her
Your DH is disrespecting, you and your home.

lmrnmr's picture

Yes, DH is part of the problem and trying to break old habits he's grown acustome to. 

lmrnmr's picture

I'm sorry I even mentioned my son becasue that seems to be the topic of this discussion now.  I aprecaite anyone who has given good advice and can relate (cover1w)! I came on to vent and get some advice/suggestions. 

Be well all!

ESMOD's picture

I see missing posts.. so I am assuming that they were probably touching on the fact that many people would expect a 23 yo to be living independently vs at home.  I know there may be valid reasons why parents want to help their older children...but I also understand the frustration of many stepparents who are asked to co-exist with an adult child who is often a thorn in their side... understanding that perspective may help you understand why you may have gotten some negative responses.

I actually will hit it from another angle... You and and your son have had over 2 decades together.  You were able to raise him up in the way that you thought was best.... You taught him to unload the dishwasher.. help with meals.. and probably many other small chores.  He has literally never known another way of life.  It is second nature and habit for him to unload the dishwasher etc... he likely doesn't even think.. he does just does it.

Your SD has been brought up with zero expectations... and while we might think that logically.. chopping lettuce or learning to unload the dishwasher... are small asks and shouldn't be a big deal... to her they are symptoms of someone (you) trying to exert authority over her.  So.. she is resenting you for "making her work".  She bucks the system.. she forgets.. she doesn't do a good job.. she is rebelling against.. what really is not a huge task.. on principle. "you are not the boss of me" mentality.

And.. the more she "forgets".. the more you dig in and try to "make it happen"... so the more she resists and the more your husband tries to step in and fix things by just unloading the dang washer himself so he doesn't have to hear about it.

It is a bit like me trying to get my YSD to eat beets when she was younger.. she dug in.. I dug in.. and it became a much bigger issue than it should have ever been.  

I think that bottom line, we have to realize that while we can be positive influences in our stepkid's lives.. we really need to avoid the disciplinarian/rulemaker role if at all possible.  Their parents need to be the one setting expectations and following up.. and not just pupetting what "we think is the way a kid should be raised".. they have to believe it too.. or the kids will just see it as a transparent attempt by their stepparents to run their lives.

But, where does that leave you?  You want everyone in the home to make some contribution.. if you DH supports this idea.. then HE needs to make this happen.  Surely he has things HE does around the house?  maybe yardwork etc?  Make HIM in charge of her pitching in.  He can show her how to use the weedeater while he mows the grass.. he can have her fetch tools while he changes the oil.  He can have her help him change the lightbulbs.. etc.. He can also set minimum expectations on her room.. make her bed in the AM.. be reasonably neat etc.. and HE needs to be the inspector and disciplinarian.  

Sometimes we can get so involved in the struggle to win.. we miss seeing the damage we are causing to our relationships with people.  Yes.. the dishwasher unloading is a small task.. but even NOW.. my DH is horrible about loading and unloading... he will load up the sink.. and I have to tell him... "dishwasher is empty.. please put them in there".. or "Don't put those in the dishwasher.. those are still clean dishes"..  and we have been together for 17 years...lol.

 

lmrnmr's picture

Neither of these children are a thorn in anyone's side. The post had NOTHING to do with my son and he gets along with his SD & SS very well.  Also, I'm NOT nagging my SD so I don't know where that came from. I simply asked her to cut lettuce. I do agree that she hasn't had to do any of these things because they have always been don't for her. And that's what I'm trying to help my husband change so he's NOT taken advantage of. I didn't even finish reading your post because it has so little to do with what I originally posted about. Not sure how this got take out of co text. I'll have to go back and reread it and probably delete the entire thing and start over. As for the comments I deleted, that person WAS NOT KIND and from what I saw on other blogs, that person does the same thing to others. Oh, and I'm NOT trying to win anything! 

ESMOD's picture

I didn't say the kids in YOUR situation were thorns in anyone's side.. I said that OTHER stepparents have that experience and it colors the advice they give.

I thought the gist of your post was the frustration that your SD was not "pulling her weight" by doing small tasks like the dishwasher and keeping her room clean.. and that you were frustrated that your husband was doing her work instead of making her do it.  It seemed like you wanted HER to do the dishwasher.. not that you didn't care who did it.. as long as it got done.

I wasn't trying to go off the tracks about your son other than to explain that some people have had negative experiences with adult kids living at home.. it likely colors the advice they give.. we all tend to give advice that comes from our own experiences.. either as parents/stepparents.. or as children ourselves. You also said that it bothers him that he doesn't see her held to the same standard he feels he is.  It's great that you instilled a willingness to pitch in around the house.. but he has had a lifetime to get used to that dynamic.. she obviously has not been given this same background.. it's much more difficult for a stepparent to tackle this with a teen... her dad needs to be the one pushing her to do more.. and that means he really has to want it too.. not just do it to make you happy (which is common).

I am fairly certain that your husband is likely jumping in to do these tasks because he knows it bothers you that she hasn't done it.. he is trying to solve the problem with the least stress for himself.. and that apparently is to just unload the DW himself vs "making" her do it.. or having you upset that it isn't done.

I guess the essence of my advice is sometimes as step-parents.. we can only do so much to help our partners be better parents.. either your husband sees the value in instilling good habits in his child.. or he doesn't.  He doesn't seem to be appreciating your help and while he may have agreed with you about chores.. it is looking like that may not have been a super sincere agreement since he isn't invested in making sure there is follow through with her.. sometimes people tell us things they think will make us happy.. even if they don't agree.. or have no real intention of following through.  So.. as a step-parent.. we sometimes have to figure out the things that we can change.. the things we cannot and figure out how to not let the things we can't change.. drive us crazy.  

lmrnmr's picture

Thank you. I understand now. I was on the defense and sorry if I took it out on you. Your advice is appreciated and I agree that my husband does things for her because "it's easier than arguing with her" about it. It's how he dealt with it when married to her mother and dealt with her mother...just did things to keep the peace and got walked all over. Thank you and, again, I apologize if I was defensive with you. Be well. 

lmrnmr's picture

Thanks to everyone who had kind things to say and were supportive. To those who did not attack my so or me I appreciate you. I will be blocking floppyears so if anyone knows her/him, let them know they are not kind. If I didn't know better I'd say it was my SD BM...sounds just like things she would say. 

BethAnne's picture

Some fights are not worth your energy. Sit down with your husband and agree how to split chores between the two of you. Then you can each choose which chores to do yourselves and which to ask your respective kids to do. If you spot one of your husband's chores has not been done you can ask him to make sure it gets done then it is up to him to do it himself or get his kid to do it. 

Find ways to disengage from dealing directly with imposing chores on your SD, move the burden to your husband. If he chooses not to make her do chores then that is on him to pick up her slack. Your SD will probably be moving out in the next few years and can run her household how she wants then, if she wants to keep clean dishes in the dishwasher  and avoid doing her laundry then she can and it won't affect you. 

This new system may mean that you and your son have to change how you operate but changes are normal when new people come to live with us. 

Thefatherismyfamily's picture

It's neither policing nor parenting. Neither is your job. I would disengage. Not your kid so not your job to teach her how to be a normal human being.