Define what constitutes an emergency and stick to it 

If it's not something that falls under that category or needs to be managed within 24 hours, ignores it. 

No CO in the world is going to prevent your crazy HCBM from pulling her crap. I would outline what constitutes as an emergency though. Your SS had a hernia; serious but not an emergency. Your DH did not need to respond to any phone calls and honestly, dealing with BM in a way that cannot be documented in writing (i.e. phone) is a mistake.

Your DH should have taken SS to urgent care, notifying BM on OFW, and then sent BM a copy of the discharge paperwork from urgent care using OFW. And don't skip any pages... My DH sent BM 4/5 pages of a urgent care discharge report because page 5 was a customer satisfaction survey and BM tried to claim we were withholding medical records. There should be no communication via phone or text - only OFW.

Anyway, if BM continued to follow up on OFW, phone, and text, with "what are you doing to take care of him" or anything of the sort, the response should have been (on OFW only): "I am following physician's orders as documented in the discharge paperwork. Since this medical situation has been handled, medical care has been sought, and you have been informed, I will not be communicating on this topic any further unless SS' condition changes or further medical attention is required. If this occurs, you will be notified." Then he needs to ignore her completely. Let BM blow up phone, text, and OFW. Hell, DH can block her phone number and text for 24 hours until she can simmer down.

Your DH can also put BM on notice (using OFW) that if she calls him under the guise of an emergency to discuss other topics, she will lose her access to phone communication. The CO outlines phone calls for emergencies only. If BM begins communicating about other topics during an "emergency related phone call," the phone call will immediately end and BM will be expected to relay those topics through OFW. If she continues to abuse her phone access, all information, including emergencies, will have to be communicated through OFW only.

Yes, your DH has made a good start with boundaries, but he needs better and stronger ones. Giving BM any rope at all will only cause further issues. 

I agree some definition or at least expressing that those issues must be urgent and emergent within that period.

I do feel like any medical attention like going to urgent care unexpectedly is one item that should be communicated more urgently.  Especially since this did end up an ER visit.. She may be overdramatic.. but a child who is hurt will bring that out in a parent and they may want more frequent updates than your dh gave.. and i don't think a judge would slap her hand for not using OFW in that case.

However, if she is constantly having last minute 'non-emergency" communications.. like regarding a sports practice that has been scheduled for weeks.. he needs to call her on it.  Her failure to plan does not make everything an emergency.

Emergencies call to mind medical issues that are urgent and proximate.... or a car accident that is going to prevent you from picking up a child.  Emergencies typically are not frequent and the cost of delayed response would be bad.. put her calls to the test on that.. if she is giving last minute stuff to get around the order.. respond in OFW that she has contacted you outside OFS with a non-emergency.. and you will not respond.

Everything is an "emergency" to a HCBM. DH added this provision - no phone calls unless it's an emergency - in his first mediation after divorce. Within weeks, HCBM told him she needed to speak to him on the phone because it was an "emergency" and it was because she decided not to send SSs to overnight camp. He now doesn't take any phone calls from her. 

They are parallel parenting, so really there is not much that the two of them need to discuss. But, if he gives her an inch, she'll take a mile. 

If it's not a emergency. He should answer on OFW not text or calling her.  Think there a red flag here.  Your DH LIKES PLAYING with the ex.   Because he not putting his foot down.  But doing communication with the ex, then complaining to you about it 

Ma'am, In stead of asking a Judge to order 1 parent to the games,,,,how about Dad not go if it is too much to stand far away from bm. OR sit in his car?

IF bm starts to walk towards him, GO to the car and leave. The kid is 12 right? They see what is going on, they know their mom is a pain. Just tell the kid I love you, I will sit in my car and watch you, ok?

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Exactly what does the court order say IS required of DH and our family wizard? That he check it 1x a week? OR does it say DAD MUST RESPOND TO MOM each time she sends him a note?

The beauty of a CO is that you can interpret it as you wish  If it is not an emergency, do not answer or reply to BM other than through OFW.  Make it clear to BM that "emergency" means severe illness or injury and DH and only DH will interperate what he considers to be an emergency and will only answer any communication from her outside of OFW if it meets his interpretation of emergency.   If she takes issue with that... "we will see you in court".

We had to go to court only twice in the 16 years we lived under a CO for a follow up clarification. We split the outcomes.

First was to smack the SpermClan around about not returning SS from SpermLand visitation on time per the CO.  They cried that travel was on our time and their visitation did not start until he arrived in SpermLand.  Nope.  It was clear, he traveled the day school was out and returned the day before school started which applied to both WInter and Spring visitation.  Summer was different though they attempted this same shit regardless of which visitation it was.  So, we smacked them with a rolled up copy of the CO and had the Judge smack them as well (figuratively of course).  The Judge added a clarification to the CO stipulating that visitation began when the child began travel to SpermLand and ended XX days,  or XXX hours, etc... following the beginning of visitation and had to be back in the care of the CP (his mom, my wife) at or before the time he was surrendered for visitation on the final day of visitation.  They did not like that one bit.

The second time was when we billed them for a Trumpet for SS's band class.  It was not extracurricular, it was part of his class schedule. We billed them for half.  Nope, the Judge made it clear that other than half of all medical expenses not covered by insurance CS covered everything.  No big deal.  But it made them feel better.

I am a fan of interpreting a CO to the advantage of the good guys.  Adding supplemental county rules and state regulations to the CO and you have a comprehensive and very effective tool for controlling the opposition and the overall blended family interface.

My DW and I kept copies of the CO, supplemental county rules, and state regulations on our work hard drives as well as in our home office.  When SpermGrandHag would call to pull some shit, DW would conference me in on mute, I would listen and  feed her specific CO, Rule & Reg references when SGH  would go toxic.  Whe she was reasonable, which was rare, DW would be reasonable with her. When SpermGrandHag  did her usual, it was game on and the "beatings" would begin.

You can try to legislate cray cray all you want but in the end a crazy person will do crazy things.  DH and Beaver are court ordered to use OFW unless its an emergency. 

Beaver HATES OFW with the passion of 10,000 suns.  Why, because she can't get out of what she writes/says and can't claim that DH didn't tell her something by way of just not reading the text messges/voice mail whatever.   OFW is a written record and is accessable by third parties and keeps a record of when something is read. (I LOVE that feature as we have smacked the fat orange tooth rodent many times with the fact she read the message and we could give her the date and time).  So..yea she likes to try and use text messages, smoke signals, etc.  DH has learned over the years..unless the kid is bleeding and in the ER ....he just doesn't respond to anything other than OFW.  If she text messages and it needs a response..he copies and/or photograpsh the text message into OFW and respond back to her that way.

At least 5 years of doing this has forced Beaver to stop sending a billion messages that DH won't respond to and to start using OFW instead.    Its a long and tedious process.  The fat rodent still tries to text message every once in awhile to test the waters...but the results are the same.  

And it is HIGHLY unlikely that a judge will order only one parent at events.  The concept is that it's in the best interests of the child for both parents to be fully involved, even if one of them is abusive to the other (unless it's physical abuse, which could lead to a restraining order).

My DH's solution is that he doesn't go to anything.  He's been honest with the kids and told them not to expect him, unless it's super important to them (i.e. DH went to the awards dinner because kiddo asked him to).

Our CO only allows direct communication in case of emergency, as well, and it provides the phone numbers that must be used.  No texting and everything else is through OFW.  Honestly, we screen her "emergency" calls, too, as her definition of emergency is different than ours.  

OP---please know you and DH are not alone.

There are a lot of bm's like your bm.

DH told her not to call or text unless:

1. It is a medical emergency with the kids where one/both are in the emergency room 

2. Changeover location needs to change for some reason on the day of changeover

Everything else needs to go through email.

psycho BM here did the same thing, suddenly everything was an emergency and she was constantly calling/texting. He stopped answering her calls full stop and he would (later, when he had time), screen shot her text messages into an email and respond that way if they even warranted a response.

Copying texts and emails to OFW and responding there is a brilliant idea.  It moves the bullshit to a recorded and reviewed medium.

She needs to be told not to call if it's an emergency, but to text the exact emergency. She may not follow it, but after so many times of no amswer to her calls, hopefully she will get tired of it.