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Using the "WE" word when he means him and his ex

Kasey21's picture

To cut a long story short, FDH and his Ex have rallied their antagonism and are emailing, texting again about their kids. SD15 caught having sex and lying about it with an inappropriate 17 year old. SD11 failing all grades. So these kids are clearly in crisis and instead of battling through the courts they are finally uniting and trying to help their mutual kids. My problem is that FDH has started to use the "WE" word again when talking of him and her in relation to the kids. Last night we were cuddling and about to be intimate and he "we'd" me and didnt mean me and him. What a turn off Smile I explained to him how hurtful it is for me to hear "we" when he means him and his ex, and not us. Am I being over sensitive? I have posted on here before that I fear my FDH has a love/hate relationship with his ex. I value myself way too much to stay with a man who puts me third (kids, ex, then me). What do you guys think? Thank you!

TASHA1983's picture

I would be upset and pissed too! They are not a WE anymore! You and dh are a WE! They have kids together yes but there is no need for WE imho.

I agree, NO WOMAN no matter if a man has kids, ex etc in the picture should ever be anything less than #1. My dh has both and he will tell anyone that I am #1, he tells and shows me that too!

He pays his CS and despite his kid not wanting to come on his visits lately he still makes an effort. He does what he needs to do, but at the end of the day I and WE come first to him. Smile

Time for a talk with dh and get your feelings out on the table before things get worse...

TASHA1983's picture


I would be ok with my dh saying something like "Skid, your mother and I think xyz is bad." Or better yet, just have DH speak for HIMSELF and leave BM out of it.
But to say WE in my mind anyway seems kinda intimate and like they are still a family...kwim? :? And yes WE definitely has NO PLACE in the bdrm! Smile

Kasey21's picture

Years ago (when I was younger) I was with an abuser and he used to physically hit me in the stomach. Last night felt as bad, deep in my guy. :sick:

Kasey21's picture

There is most definitely NO sex last night!
I do need to talk to him though, it hurt and bothers me that he does not see anything wrong with this (what he said last night). He insists the "we" is appropriate because its their kids he is talking about. Even with me.

Craving Normality's picture

My bf used to do this. Talking about we when he meant him and his ex. I asked him
to stop. Nothing stopped it faster than me referring my ex to a we in every conversation.

christinen's picture

My DH will slip up and say "we" when referring to him and BM every once in a while and it does hurt! I don't think you are being too sensitive at all. Your DH needs to choose his words carefully. I'm sure he didn't mean it, but that's not the point. Why does he even have in his head that him and his ex = we? The only "we" he should be thinking about is the 2 of you!

Kasey21's picture

Yes indeed, that is the part that worries me. The fact that in his head he sees "we" as in him and the ex.

christinen's picture

Yeah, just remember although he may slip up and say things for reasons we don't understand, he is with you. I remind myself that about my own DH. If he wanted to be with BM, she would take him back in a heartbeat and it would probably be a lot easier for him to do that because then he would have his kid full time. But he CHOOSES to be with me (same with your DH choosing to be with you).

Kasey21's picture

Thank you to everyone here!!
Its great to get feedback and hear your opinions. And good to know that I am not alone in hating the WE in terms of DH and his ex. He and I are in for a long discussion.

Fairy dust 28's picture

Argh!!! WE pisses me right off!

Funny how they're not a team when they're at each others throats or when they were separating! No "we" then was there!!!

Cocoa's picture

dh NEVER says we, he always say "I". it would hurt, especially with all the contact they seem to be having. I know they are "uniting" for their kids, but how much of all this communication is really necessary? really, they should talk, come to an agreement of punishments/rules in each other's homes, dr's apts, parent teacher conferences, etc... and stick with that. when something emergent comes up, they talk again. and absolutely NOTHING is hidden from you. they don't need to communicate, ss did his homework or go into detail about it. communication should NOT be a daily thing imo, unless a kid is in the hospital or jail (and only during the crises portion at that). I couldn't tolerate it and I wouldn't care if anyone thought I was jelous, insecure, or a raving bitch. having kids with another person does NOT allow another woman to cross over boundaries with our dh's, I don't care what is going on. rules can bend slightly, but sounds like it's gotten to the point with his ex that he considers the two of them a team. you are very justified in your feelings.

Rags's picture

About to get amorous with you and he mentions the XW using the term "we". Major excitement killer that is.

I think you were very measured in our comment to him about that incident. If my DW mentioned the SpermIdiot at that time in that context there would be no sex that is for sure.

You were not overly sensitive IMHO.

Kasey21's picture

I told DH again how hurt I was by the comment and he told me I was being ridiculous and too sensitive. So I literally didnt speak to him for almost a week, and he had to learn the hard way that what he said was hurtful and downright insulting. Its not usual for me to just not-talk but I was so hurt and annoyed I couldnt even look at him let alone have sex! On the fifth evening, I took out a photo of myself and my late husband and plonked it on our night stand and sent him a text to say that if there were to be three of us in the bed, then there would be four. That worked and we had a long discussion and he apologized and says he now sees my point of view. The jury is currently out on my relationship.