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Toxic G.A.S.

Kasey21's picture

Ok,so BM was not successfull with alienating the skids from FDH as much as she would like. Her efforts have turned to alienating me from the skids. I now call it Girlfriend Alienation Syndrome (GAS). We are engaged to be married but frankly my FDH is on probation due to what I continue to see as his lack of support for me and his tendency to put skids AND BM over me. This weekend more craziness.
- Skids don't want me doing their laundry and instead handed the dirty clothes to FDH, who immediately goes and does it.
- Skids don't want to eat anything I cook and ask at every meal who cooked this, then pick out the pieces that FDH cooked. (Sometimes he will prepare the meat, and me the sides)
- Found SD15 going through my closet again, FDH says she is just curious.
- SS11 rounded up the extra new tubes of toothpaste and soap to bring back to BM's with him. FDH ignored my question as to why and said "just leave it".
- FDH continues to daily text back and forth with his ex of 8 years and insists its necessary as they are only communicating about the skids.
- Glares and sullen comments to me all the time. We previously had a great relationship.
- Won't use the lovely bedding I bought for them, insist on using throws and blankets from the house FDH had before we moved in together.
Seems to be like its GAS and very toxic.

step off already's picture

My thoughts exactly.

If a meal was prepared and my own children had the nerve to behave so RUDELY, I would have asked them to leave the table immediately. IMMEDIATELY!

They would be in their rooms until they were ready to behave - or in seperate areas of the house ALONE.

QueenBeau's picture

Your FDH is the one making this toxic by not dealing with his children's behavior. He probably doesn't realize how this continuing will result in another divorce for him, if the marriage even happens - & it is very serious.

hereiam's picture

No way in hell would I be putting up with ANY of that crap and if your FDH doesn't do something about it, I would not be putting up with him, either.

TASHA1983's picture

Things WILL NOT change unless he sees the error of his ways with the skids AND BM, sets proper boundaries with BOTH skids and BM and also DEMANDS that you get the respect you deserve from his brats. they don't have to like/love you but they WILL respect you DON'T SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS THAN ALL OF THE ABOVE or you will be in for a VERY miserable marriage YOU VS. THEM!!!!

onebanana's picture

Her relationship with her partner or her feelings towards him could be as strong as of a woman that is married, so I don't see how does being married or not play a part in this.
Obviously she cares about him, obviously she wants to stay with him, and being married or not doesn't change her feelings.

sbm014's picture

I agree with QueenBeau that a lot of your issue is with your husband letting them behave this way.

I know this past week SS was acting distant and like a brat especially after seeing BM even for a short time on Thursday evening. He decided that I was crap pretty much and wanted to get sympathy from me being "mean" as BM asked who made dinner and he said it was DH when it was really me I kind of gave him a look and rolled my eyes and went on doing other task well at the same time DH corrected him and said SBM made it and your allowed to tell your mom well SS started crying on the phone with BM and told her I gave him a mean look that scared him and so BM went into the "poor you I wish I could come get you mode" well this cause DH to quickly hang up the phone - and before anyone could eat dinner DH not only addressed him not wanting to give me credit for something I do not have to do with him, but also lying and twisting it to be a victim and get sympathy for BM - DH said that next time he even starts to hear a cracking voice when it isn't a "I miss you" already situation DH will take the phone and tell BM she can call later as treating me like that and throwing me under the bus when I think anyone of us would roll our eyes at a SS lying like he did would not be allowed. SS also after I left the dinner table told DH I didn't cook his meat all the way so he wanted to be done eating to which DH exclaimed I did cook it all the way and he would not put meat on the plat that wasn't cooked and he probably got a piece of fat so he needed to continue eating. Since then SS has still been distant towards me as I'm sure he sees it as me getting him in trouble but he has ate what I am have made and not been a brat really since, he has been needy to DH and sad that DH is leaving but at least has not blatantly disrespected me.

Rags's picture

If FDH won't put his proverbial foot up the asses of his spawn it will only get worse. I would not accept this were I you and I would let FDH know that he is on borrowed time to get this fixed or he is gone.

IMHO of course.

Kasey21's picture

Thanks to all your comments and advise. At times I wonder if FDH is right so thank you for your support.My youngest daughter will be off to college in September and honestly, I know in my heart I am just waiting it out. When FDH and I moved in together (bought the house with him) I promised her no more moves until she goes to college. For my career I had moved her three times in five years, and she loves her school, her friends and the house. All was fine until then. BM is extremely jealous of me as I have a good career and together FDH and I bought a lovely home. I most definitely will not be marrying FDH anytime soon and its not likely I ever will at this point. Any attempt I take to discuss with him, or ask for respect ends up with me being accused of being ridiculous, over sensitive blah blah. He insists these skids are "going through rough times" because of the court case that BM is bringing, wanting more custody time. But my own kids were left without their Dad (killed in an accident) and are well adjusted, happy and loving young people. This weekend was unacceptable and I guess thats why I posted. I know its all FDH. I cannot change BM and her nastiness but his refusal to acknowlege there is a problem with the way they treat me, I can change. for the hills. My plan is to speak with him and give him a chance to change, give him an actual "decision date" and to let him know my plans to move once my DD starts college if there are not major, significant changes.

Cocoa's picture

good idea if this is your first conversation with him regarding a move out date. he needs to know and then given the chance to make changes. tell him he blows you off and won't try to understand or listen to you so you've made a decision, you will not spend the rest of your life with him and his kids using you as a door mat. and, tell him that things are going to be different around the house now that you've made this decision. begin separating from him NOW emotionally and financially. men do not respond to words, they respond to action. he's not going to take you seriously until he actually feels the pain of your loss, so let him begin feeling it NOW, while you're still in the house so that he can get a taste of life without you. disengage entirely from his kids, cook for you and yours (since skids won't eat your food anyway), separate banking accounts. pay ONLY your portion of the bills. get nick picky. move out of your joint bedroom onto a pull out in the livingroom if you have to. put skids in one bedroom and take theirs (you are a bill payer and entitled to a room). it's a bullshit excuse to pander to his kids with the "going through a rough time" bit. the rest of the world isn't going to care their going through a rough time. it does NOT give them the excuse to treat you like shit! begin talking about the sale of your home (unless he intends to buy you out) - you are giving him a heads up to save the $$ if he wants to keep it. and, if all this fails and he really doesn't care if you leave, you are this much more ahead and more prepared for your move. moves don't happen overnight, you're just not hiding it from him.

Cocoa's picture

it doesn't have to get worse, she can end it (one way or the other). if she keeps taking it, it will get worse.