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Off topic...DH makes me feel lazy

Jillstepmom65's picture

First I work 40 plus hours in the medical field at a super crazy hospital. I'm tired when I get home! DH "works from home" doing computer Security. On weekends I sometimes like to sleep in till 9 or 10am or take a hour nap in the afternoon or watch TV. DH is up at 7am on the weekends out doing yard work or some other work. DH would NEVER think of taking a nap or watching tv before 7 or 8pm. 

If DH sees me watching TV during the day hours he will ask me to "help" him do something/ ask me when I plan on doing x,y or z or start Huffing and signing about some mess(dirty dishes/animal mess). It's gotten to the point I have to sneak upstairs and pretend I'm doing something to lay down or watch tv.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

My SO's love of sleeping and naps is one of his best qualities and makes up for a lot of bad ones. I would rather that than someone sleep-shaming me! 

LittleCloud9's picture

He's probably jealous


Hire someone to clean and someone to do the yard! Then you can both take a nap and watch a movie!! 

failuretolaunch's picture

Sometimes I feel this with my partner, only because I feel like I am always keeping on top of the kids. Making sure they're not on ipads too long, Tv e.t.c. Come the weekend she wants to have a lay in. I used to love my bed but now a lay in to me is 8-9am. I do expect her to get up when I get up sometimes but only because of the above. I know she'll end up just laying in bed, then taking an hour to get ready and then taking an hour to prepare food because she is a vegan, so that's it what pisses me off, all the while I am keeping on top of the kids unless I just let then have ipad and tv, which they would be happy doing.

What I don't do though is expect her to do chores or tidy up or mow the lawn because I am moving the lawn. I'll leave the dishes or do the dishes and tidy up if I want to do it and I don't allow myself to feel guilty if she decides to mow the lawn or tidy up or e.t.c. If she wants to do it, then she can, if she wants to ask for help then she can do that too and I can say I don't want to do it, if you feel the need, then you do it.

I think this is the problem sometimes. We all have different standards and my standards aren't your standards and I can't expect you to reach my standards. I always use the example of living with someone who is a clean freak. If they want to clean and keep everything prim and proper all the time, then don't stop me from you doing it, I don't mind a little mess. If it's a problem then some kind of compromise has to be met but why should I raise my standards to theirs when they can't lower theirs to mine.

I'm not sure where this 12 hours your husband is working, but at the same time that doesn't matter. If you or he isn't pulling his weight then a discussion is needed as to what you both expect. If he is doing more with the kids when you are in bed, then a discussion needs to be had. You need to discuss your issues and your differences. It would be wrong for him to be doing everything, it would be wrong for you do be doing everything and it is also wrong for him to place his demands onto you. Maybe he can do this and you can do that. A division of labour when it comes to certain things and then you each get to have your time. If he hasn't done what he should have done, his problem whilst you are laying in bed relaxing.

hereiam's picture

I just couldn't be with someone like this.

I don't sleep in, but I don't sleep well, so if I want to take a nap during the day (rare), that is my business. I can buzz around the house at 90 miles and hour, but I can also veg out in front of the TV. If my DH ever made me feel bad for that, well, I probably wouldn't be with him, in the first place.

One of things I love about my DH is that he accepts me for ME and I can be myself with him. I don't have to pretend I'm "busy" when I don't want to be. There are times that I call myself lazy and he says, "You're not lazy, you're just tired".

It's fine to have different personalities and energy levels but he shouldn't make you feel bad about yours.

halo1998's picture

I noticed you put work from home in quotes...does that mean you think your DH doesn't work when he is at home??  I ask only because a great many people think that just because I'm "working from home" means that I don't really "work".  Trust me when I say ..I'm at home but I'm working.    Its the same as if I was in the office...only when I have small break I can start a load of laundry etc.  I work in IT...same as your DH.

No offense..but at some point you need to work out with your DH what you will do and what you will not do.  My DH loves nothing more than to sleep in on the weekends and watch TV all day/night. But..the chores are still there and I get resentful when I am the only one doing them because my DH thinks he deservers a pass since he worked all week.  Uh..yea...and so did I..what's the excuse.

Have you sat down and talked with your DH and come up with a sleep late but help do chores till x time of the day..that kind of thing.  Because from an outsiders position it appears you believe your DH doesn't really work and you do, so you deserve to sit back and relax all weekend.  That is all good..but I would imagine the chores still need to be done and your DH is getting resentful for being the one to do them.

failuretolaunch's picture

But is he creating chores?

I know people who just can't sit still. My next door neighbour is always in the garden doing something. Me and my partner joke, that he's there again. Some people need to be constantly busy, others just want to relax. There is finding that line between. As I said above, if I want to do stuff and keep busy, then that's all on me. I don't expect people to rise to what I want to do. All I care about is if things are balanced and I'm happy to do 60% of the work if my partner is doing 40%. Those are my expectations.

FinallySkidFree's picture

Both DH and I work outside the home. We both commute. He works 60-70 hours a week plus 10 for commuting and he works the graveyard shift. I work 40 hours a week and add about 10 for commuting. On weekends, I am up doing laundry, grocery shopping, changing sheets, cleaning closets. He is laying in bed watching tv ALL WEEKEND LONG. A part of me, understands. He is EXHAUSTED and needs the rest. The other part of me is resentful that I have to do everything myself. To compromise, he hired a cleaning service to clean the house every other weekend and a lawn guy to mow the lawn and take care of the outside. He does cook dinner during the week because I have a medical condition and need to do treatment every night so I can't eat late. I still feel I carry the bigger the load in the household. Every once in a while, I too will just lay in bed and nap and watch tv when I'm too tired to do anything else. We go back and forth about household chores all the time.

Jillstepmom65's picture

DH "chooses" to get up at 7am on the weekends to do "Projects" that he wants to do. I also do most of the house work. DH may throw in a Load of laundry or vacuum but has NEVER cleaned a cat litter box or Scrubed toilets. DH feels there is ALWAYS something that needs to be done and tv watching is only in the evening and sleeping in at night.  I don't spend the day sitting around but feel as long as I'm doing my fair share there is nothing wrong with not wanting to clean/fix things from sun up to sun down

Winterglow's picture

Yes, that's what I understood from your post. I think I'd be inclined to tell him to "bugger off DH unless you're sick of living..."

lieutenant_dad's picture

I think there is a middle ground here.

I am much more like your husband. I get up, start doing chores, do exercise, etc. My DH sleeps in and just generally moves slower on the weekends. My mind works in a way where if I think of something that needs to get done, I want to do it right then. If I ask and it doesn't get done right then, I get frustrated and end up doing it myself. This drives DH nuts because it's not that he won't do it, he just isn't doing it on my timeline.

The approach DH and I have taken is to split tasks, and we are responsible for those tasks on our own timetable. DH does laundry on Sundays and takes all day to do it. I do yard work and I get it done before 10AM on Saturdays. By splitting up the chores and putting the full mental and physical load on one of us or the other, it means we bicker far less and we don't "compete" anymore on who did more.

Now, for me (and likely your DH), this means I have to let things go. This also means my DH (and likely you) have to commit to a timeframe and stick to it. If DH tells me something is going to get done by Wednesday on Sunday, and Thursday rolls around and it's not done, I'm going to be disappointed. Likewise, if DH tells me it's going to get done by Wednesday and I decide to just do it on Monday because I can't let it go, he's going to be frustrated.

It's going to take both of you giving a little. You may need to do dishes at 10AM when you wake up, and your DH may have to be okay with waiting until 10AM for them to get worked on, as an example. If you two can communicate this through and learn to live with each other's style, you'll alleviate a lot of tension.

Cover1W's picture

OP....TOTALLY agree with this.  I'm up and about early and like to be busy and get things done. I have a very busy, mostly remote, job but here and there I can throw in some laundry, clean cat box, weed a portion of the garden...DH is the opposite. He has a busy job but it's very much up/down as far as hours and some weeks he's super slow. But he still doesn't really help all that much. In 6 years he's better at getting the kitchen cleaned up and has to make dinners when YSD is here. But voluntary cleaning/yard work is not gonna happen.  And Yes it causes much friction because I don't like living in chaos and like my house to look nice (he insists he does too but doesn't like to put the work into it).

I made two decisions:  Hire a housecleaner every other month (or every month at times) and a yard person for major spring/fall cleanups and other bigger yard jobs. And let some things go. I can last a bit longer/better with some mess now that before BUT my limit is if it's in my way, like I cannot make lunch for myself because of someone else's mess, then it's no longer acceptable.

Do you try to do a few things to help?  Even if they are small - keeping your things neat, putting your dishes in the dishwasher or cleaning them? Maybe do a grocery run?

One thing to think about, I love it when DH joins me in a task - I like the teamwork and spending time with him. But he doesn't work this way....if he's got a task he'll do ONLY that task, no distractions, which is disappointing to me.  Maybe your husband wants your company?  You may have to talk and reach a middle ground.

Merry's picture

My ex was a lot like that. If HE was up and working around the house, then I needed to be too. But if he was relaxing, it was fine for me to be doing chores. So, I could relax only when he was.

Your DH needs to stop with the passive-agressive huffing and puffing about your sleeping in and relaxing during the day. You need to come to agreement on household chores, sure, but I think more importantly an understanding that you are both fully functional adults that don't need supervision from the other. Does he feel like you're not doing your fair share? Then talk about that. Does he need help with a particular chore and just expects you to know that? Did your respective families of origin treat tv watching and relaxing in different ways?

Rumplestiltskin's picture

That sounds a lot like having an infant - you can only sleep when the baby sleeps! I think that OP's husband should let her relax when she wants, as long as she is doing her fair share. Now, if ome person were just lazy all the time and making messes, yeah. But, some people can't stand to see others relax! 

Rags's picture

Work time spans the time the first person leaves for work and ends when the last person returns from work.  For someone working in the home, either as a SAHP or someone who is home officing, their work time is not defined by what they do during "work time", their work time is defined by the beginning and end of work time.  At the end of the work day, it does not become the person who works outside of the homes job to do housework, or said differently, it is not my time or your time to do housework, it is OUR time to do house work.   

Now for weekends.  Weekends are by definition .... down time.  I would have a calendar on the wall and clear mark it with your non-negotiable down time on weekends.  Do not explain it... just claim it.  e.g Sat - Start of day 10AM (What you do prior to 10AM is irrelevant),  13:00-15:00 Siesta (What you do is irrelevant)   18:00-11:59 Evening down time.  Sun - The same schedule.  

This builds in your R&R time and provides a limited and manageable window for  you to "help" your WAHP (Work At Home Partner) with various and sundry activities.

We adopted this model early in our marriage when my DW was a SAHM.  We adopted the model to avoid the crap my brother  and his DW were struggling with. She was an SAHM, always has been, and wen my brother would walk in the door from his 11-15hour work day she would hand him the kids tell him to deal with dinner and then she would do shit for nothing for the rest of the day.  My brother damned near worked himself to death dealing with that crap.

I introduced him to the Work Time model and he ultimately did adopt their version of it.  That phase of their marriage left a lot of damage that took decades to recover from.  Sadly they never have really developed a marital partnership.  He just got to where he earned so much that he could outsource the shit that aggravated him about his marriage.


Rumplestiltskin's picture

That makes sense if one partner works a "traditional" schedule and the other is part-time. The part-timer takes on additional chores in proportion to how much more time the other works. Taking care of kids is work, though, so that needs to be factored in. When you get to night shift vs day shift workers and work at home with overtime, it gets trickier but it still makes sense for the one who does the least work "outside" the home (or remotely) to do proportionally more work on cleaning, laundry, and other maintenance. 

Rags's picture

Absolutely.  Work time is exactly this.  Work time is the time that both life partners "work".  If one is not "employed" their work time is while the employed partner is working.  Their work is in the home.  Once the employed partner arrives home at the end of the day it is not the employed partrners time to take care of the kids, home, chores, etc... It is both partners time to deal with those things together.

The difficulty is in working out the concept.  We had a few periods of tension as we did that early in our marriage.  I did not want my DW to be the "house spouse" in a traditioal sense.  But... neither did I have any desire to come home at the end of a long work day to a trainwreck at home.  So, we developed the work time model.  It got much easier as the kid reached school age, DW decided to kick off her career, and the evenings were when we were together.  Doing the non work time "work" in keeping our home, etc.... together made it a whole lot more fun than we had when we were jockying for position in avoiding the housework.

We had to adjust as events unfolded.  We had periods where I worked nights.  We had perioids where I worked a compressed work week (12Hr days  4 on 3 off, 3 on 4 off) and both of our favorite TAX SEASON where she works 15X7 day in and day out from late Jan until Mid April except for this yeas never ending Covid tax season.

It got even better when we reached the financial position of being able to outsource much of that "work".  

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I am a high energy person. I also get up between 2-3am because it's the only time I can get some things done around the house. My job isn't overly strenuous but I work 40 hours a week and also have a second job part-time. I am usually running around until 8om on the days I don't work. So yes many days I will take a quick nap in the afternoon and usually on weekends I want to relax and recreate.

SO doesn't work as much as I do or do as much around the house, but he doesn't sleep well and has a very physical job. So if he wants to come home and lounge around I don't judge him. I know his back usually hurts and other things. He usually finds his motivation on weekends to do things around the house. If I don't want to and prefer to use my time recreating he doesn't get upset about it 

I think couples should be able to compromise but should also be understanding of one another.