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Off topic but need to Vent about DH

Janemakey13's picture

Ok I work as a nurse at a VERY busy hospital. Along with COVID we are very short staffed. I've been mandated to work all kinds of crazy hours. Days,evenings,NIGHTS and weekends. 
 

When COVID first started DH was pretty good about helping more around the house since I was working more and he was working from home. This lasted ONE week. Yes I asked and yes I made a list for him. Still he would say he was to busy with work to get things done. Of course all his "outdoor projects" got done somehow.

 

Anyways this past week has been crazy. I'm on my second overnight plus working days  so I sleep when I can. When I got home this morning from work I asked DH to water my garden and vacuum. Well when I got up at 2pm DH was in pissy mood.

It started when I sat on the chair and said "oh god"( hey I've worked all night and tired) DH Immediately snapped in NOT a nice caring way and said to me "what's wrong". 

Then to come to find out House not vacuumed and garden not watered. DH snapped at me "who cares about the garden you are the one who wanted it" when I told him my garden was wilted from not being watered.
 

He started to vacuum slamming the vacuum around and Kicking/throwing things out of the way complaining about junk being in the way. 

I started to cry as a Combination of being tired from working and DH being a dick. Oh course this just Agitates DH more. 
 

Now add we get the step brat for the weekend. At least I'll be working part of it. DH whole Demeanor will change when the brat comes over. DH will be upbeat laughing asking SS about his week and what he would like to do. 
 

So sorry I'm so tired and Frustrated I had to vent 

markwvualum's picture

Your DH has anger issues. He sounds like an over grown spoiled entitled child. Good luck with the big baby. 

Harry's picture

He wants everything his way. He does not care about you and your relationships,   Hope you are keeping all this money you are making in your own account.  Not using it for SK.  Let DH take care of SS by himself.  Cooking cleaning, ect 

Disengage from SS until DH CHANGES 

Merry's picture

I just don't get these kind of mantrums. My DH will be the first to tell you that he's naturally lazy. And he is, unless it's something HE decides to do. Still, he asks me every day what he can do for me while I'm at work (he's retired). He ENJOYS lightening my load, even if he doesn't enjoy the chore itself.

Is he generally unwilling to do "women's work?" If so, I'd consider going on strike until there is a better balance.

When you've had some rest and your house is skid-free, have a calm conversation about how his pissy, selfish attitude was hurtful.

tog redux's picture

Well, that was jerky behavior on his part. Was that typical for him?
I'd be inclined to be just too tired to do anything for him.

Jojo4124's picture

Die. Let the house be a mess. Leave when he has a baby fit while vacuuming. Just let stuff go...you work hard n deserve time relax. If the house is a mess when skid comes over oh well. 

Invite company over. He might clean then. Once we had company coming over n my dh left his shaved beard hair all over the sink. I was gonna leave it there, my guests would know who the slob was. It was magically cleaned up before company arrived.

Slavery is dead. You don't have to do his fair share

I have yet to hear of a dh who cleans a toilet, lol

susanm's picture

Wow.  The previous answers are much nicer than mine.  Maybe I am feeling the stress of my own job during this horrible mess and a similarly unhelpful DH but my suggestion is to leave for the day saying "See ya', DH.  I am going to go help people try not to DIE today.  You enjoy being "BUSY" here."  And slam the door on the way out.

Thank you for what you are doing.  You all are heroes and I hope to God that none of us need you any time soon.  Stay safe and try to get some rest.  Sending you a big hug!

Gimlet's picture

That slamming/kicking thing would have made me lose my gourd.  It's mean, it's childish, and it's 100% not OK.

If this were me he would have two choices: he can grow the f*ck up and help his wife, or he can find himself with no wife.

My DH has ADD and he does not see what needs to be done in the same way that I do, his job is more stressful than mine, but he is absolutely fine with me leaving him a "honey do" list.

This man sees the critical work you are doing, sees how bone tired you are, and acts like an asshole.  I'll kick him in the balls for you and you don't even have to ask me.

Cover1W's picture

"If this were me he would have two choices: he can grow the f*ck up and help his wife..."

I'd say he needs to grow the f*ck up and realize he lives there too and as an adult he needs to help with the general household maintenance, and to step up esp. if the other spouse is helping very sick and dying people in the middle of a pandemic while working long hours and still brining in a paycheck.

My DH is not a maintenance person at all, so I get the frustration you have. He seems to have time to do what he wants but not enough time to help clean much of the time. Can you hire a house cleaner even once a month to do even part of the house? 

My DH has had some very long work days this week so I stepped up with dinner help, cleaning the kitchen, some extra laundry. No complaining, I just did it. If I work late, DH cooks, cleans the kitchen and often does a few extra nice things (not cleaning usually, but nice romantic things).

If he kicked out and pouted I'd stop cleaning ANYTHING.

Gimlet's picture

Yeah, it's not the lazy/clueless part that prompted my reponse, it's the fact that he acted like such a little b*tch about it.

I like your idea of hiring help and he can pay for it.

And I agree, both DH and I will step up for each other when needed. 

Iamwoman's picture

Does he hate the shift incentive pay you're getting? Does he hate the overtime pay you're getting?

What a baby.

As for the garden, can you purchase a sprinkler head with a timer and hook it up to the hose?

For the home, since your DH doesn't seem to think he should clean HIS house, then he must be forced to halfsies on a maid with you. If it were just you, you would probably hire a maid during this time, but since DH and spawn also make messes, he should also pay. Now that I think of it, he should pay 2/3 and you 1/3 for the maid, since his spawn is another person making messes in the shared home.

As for his mantrums, I would do what others said and just leave when he pitches a fit. That is very unsexy behavior and it should not be rewarded with your attention (good or bad attention - bad attention is letting him see you cry and engaging in the fights).
If you just leave, then he will associate his mantrum behavior with you leaving. If he wants you there, he will stop the behavior.

If he continues the behavior, I would take that as a sign that he wants you to leave permanently. So, divorcing the a-hole would be best for you.

You are a nurse. You make good money. You have hobbies. This makes you a good catch. If your DH can't see that, then some other man surely will and will treat you with the love and compassion you deserve.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Idk, it seems like a lot of these guys are just bad at life and relationships all-around. The step issues are just one of their many issues. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

They've OBVIOUSLY failed at relationshipping before. No way 99% every single BM is a "crazy bi!ch".

We definitely need to add "Shows no insight and takes no ownership in the failure of previous relationships" to the ST list of Red Flags.

somethingwicked's picture

OP, I really feel for you and understand how bone tired your body and numb your mind gets  switching shifts .You  especially need to be well rested when  working under these unusual conditions where  small slip ups  or breaks in safe practice continuity and sterility can cause contamination .Contracting this virus has proven to be extremly virulent and deadly to many.

Thank you for your courage and selflessness. Please make the time to care for yourself,eat and stay hydrated.Get your sleep.Make yourself and your health a priority for as long as necessary.

AND as far as this guy you share a home with? F*ck him.

He is a selfish little tw*t  who can't see the big picture because his whiney little man ego is in the way.

Honey,you deserve SO MUCH better and more from a life partner.This guy can't even f*cking water a garden or run a vacuum cleaner w/o his panties  choking his testicles into a knot.  

Start closing ranks. Think about YOU first. Tell him he's on his own and ignore him  , his kid,  their needs etc.

Don't take his BS and if he gives you some tell him either he buttons it or leaves or YOU will.And then pack a bag and go stay at a hotel where you can get some rest.

You focus  on you and keep doing that b/c you do not know how long you will be pressed into working these odd and stressful hours. You are a professional with a license to maintain. Your profession is taxing physically and emotionally. You have to be on your game b/c you do have  alot of responsibility. .Being mandated to work is not fun especially when you are switching shifts .And working exhausted,mentally and physically is dangerous for you and your patients even during non pandemic times.

If your H does not get it then he really is not  a life partner. And that Ahole could only last ONE week of helping more ,picking up some of your load .Really. What a cry baby loser. 

 

still learning's picture

All working women need a wife!  Your DH is unwilling to partner with you on this so hiring help a few days a week would be the path of least resistance. My mom is retired but earns side money by helping elderly people with cleaning and gardening as needed.  You could hire someone a few times a week for a few hours and it wouldn't cost that much. DH is home so he could let them in.  

I love my DH but his idea of cleaning is doing his own dishes and being able to walk through the house. Funny how he'll spend hours cleaning and organing the garage though! Luckily I have a well trained kid who helps out and is compensated for it.  With exH he was a slob and did nothing. I would work then come home for my "second shift." I gave up and stayed home since we couldn't afford help.  

Hope the two of you can work it out financially.  I feel your angst but can tell you from experience that the fight isn't worth it.  

Rags's picture

IMHO anyone in a blended family marriage is rarely off topic when venting or otherwise discussing their spouse.  The root cause of oh so many blended family issues is .... the spouse who brought the failed family rude ill behaved spawn to the marriage and cannot keep their X under control.

As for Covid or otherwise supporting my bride.... I do almost all of the cooking, all of the shopping and most of the cleaning.  The one thing I don't do is her laundry.  Girly things are far beyond my ability to properly launder apparently so I do not even try any more. 

Though when it comes to cleaning I pretty much just piss her off.  Even when the house is actually clean and picked up.... it is rarely how she would do it or her standard.  I have learned to do what I do and if she decides to do it again... so be it.  What is funny about this is that I will put things in exactly the same place over and over again. The place she determined was the right place for that item.  Then..... poof!  Shit gets moved.  It drives me nuckin futz.  She is the one who set up the kitchen, linen closets, drawers, laundry room, pantry, etc...... exactly how she wanted it.  I am fine with that because I really don't care where stuff goes as long as it goes in the same place.

So, we go along happily though even during those times I occasionally get "the" look for something that does not meet her stringent standards.  Then she gets the nesting bug and shit gets moved, reset, changed, etc, etc, etc....   There is always some reason she has for making the change.  The problem is she does not engage me in that change. So, I fly somewhere for a job interview, or just stay out of her way when she gets the bleary eyed re-nesting look and the next time I go to find something or put something away while cleaning the matching items are nowhere to be found.  I look, usually opening the same drawer several times just to confirm that... nope... the spoons are no longer in the spoon spot, etc.......

I usually will look for the new place for a few minutes before I lose my shit and just pile all of the clean dishes on the island for her to deal with when she gets home.  Usually after calling her at work several times for some hints. Those calls start with her laughing, telling me where something now goes then she has to deal with a client. After a few calls for hints, she no no longer laughing and I get the "figure it out already!" message.

Meanwhile a few weeks later and back at the ranch....... I finally figure out the new system and we hit a period of connubial domestic bliss...... until we go through it all again some indeterminate unforcastable period later.

Dash 1

I gotta get another international assignment soon so I can get her the hell out of our house, back on an adventure and I can spend long days at work.  This being a kept man crap is going to drive me nuts.

smh

Wink

In all seriousness, I so very much appreciate my incredible bride and her extreme professionalism and unequaled work ethic.  She is truly incredible.  

And.. thank you for caring for the ill during this unparalleled epidemic health crisis.  Your DH is an asshole.  While i do understand the frustration that can arrise between spouses, particularly when one or the other partner shows their tell on being frustrated about something, I dedicate a ton of my mental capacity to making every effort to not go down the rabbit hole of throwing fuel on the fire when one or the other of us is frustrated about something that really is not fight worthy.  I do not always act effectively but I do make an effort.

My DW is an everything needs to be model home guest worthy at all times, the yard, the inside, the windows clean, etc, etc, etc....  I am a "we live here" guy who likes a neat home, clean and orderly home though not museum perfect any time much less all of the time kind of guy.  If the house it clean and presentable... she will take everything apart and polish, dust, wipe down, etc, etc, etc... then put it all back in exactly the right spot kinda person when guests are due to arrive. Which takes us back to the moving location topic I mentioned above.  It will take me weeks to find stuff once she has gone into one of her perfect house for guests cycles.

I have learned to participate in her guest preparation spit and polish efforts though in a way that keeps me demonstrating participation but does not poke the bear.  It can be a delicate balance to maintain. I am getting better at it.... 26 years into this marriage.

Thanks again for your service during this crazy time.  I hope that your DH gains some clarity and can relieve some of your pressure during this trying time.