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fairyo's picture

For the past few months I have been returning to the house and collecting stuff to bring back to this place I'm renting, only to be moving it again once my purchase on my new place is complete.

I was really hoping that today would be my last visit- I've been there all day packing and carrying but alas- there has to be another visit. I feel right now that I am being tormented- that there is always more boxes, and stuff, a lot of it I don't even want but it is mine, so I have to pack it, and carry it, and then carry it again when I get back. 

It is all too sad and I am feeling really low today, and almost hate the X because it will all be so much easier for him.

The house looks so sad and empty, but the garden bothers me the most. All my roses are out but choking on weeds, and the grass is so dry because it isn't being watered. Every summer evening last year I was out there caring for that garden and now I have to just feel very bad when I look at it.

I am now wondering if I can trust someone to go and fetch the remaining stuff without me having to go? I don't think I can bear it again...

I need to be able to skip six months ahead when I have moved into my new house and I have put all this torment behind me...I've just had enough.


Aniki's picture

Aw, honey. I'm so sorry. I wish I could get your things so you didn't have to go. {{{{hugs}}}}

fairyo's picture

Aww- thank you Aniki- that is a kind thing to say. I wish my magic fairy wand really worked right now and I could send some lovely fairy dust to you ((((fairy hugs)))))

CLove's picture

the loss of your hopes and dreams of what might have been. Im sorry you are going through that. It will be good for you to have finally gotten everything out, and can move forward without revisiting the space you shared with X.

I had that experience too, when I left a previous relationship to be with SO, I still had cats and a dog, and some stuff. I had a really hard time going back to the house we had shared, which in my case had grown really disgusting, the garden was being choked with vines, trash in the house, cat boxes and piles of boxes from a business failure. To sum it up, super depressing. The dog died, the cats dont know who I am anymore, and the X has moved to a nice condo in the countryside. I see him around and we say hi.

I read through your past blogs, to refresh myself. Your X sounds depressing, you seem so full of life and possibilities. Im glad that you arent missing him anymore, and are moving forward with a new home that you love!

Take some time for self care.


fairyo's picture

Yes, X was and probably still is uber depressing- I am out of that pit now for sure, thanks for reminding me that I am now surroundered by up-beat and positive people. I can, and will, see this through!

Siemprematahari's picture

Fairyo~ its natural to feel this sadness but please know that it will pass and the feeling is only temporary. You have history and memories with your X so of course packing up your belongings hits home. Just know that you did the hardest part which was leave and once you get the final things out you don't ever have to go there again. You can keep your head up and look forward to new beginnings.


Aniki's picture

Siemprematahari is right, Fairyo. This will pass.

I will admit... I actually held back on filing my divorce papers because I was mourning the loss. I still loved my ex, still hoped to reconcile, etc. One day, I woke up and thought, "I cannot stand being married to him any longer." I signed the papers and dropped them off at my lawyer's office on my lunch break.

We all need time to mourn and we all mourn in our own time. xoxo

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I am so sorry fairyo Sad I can't say I know what it's like to be mid-divorce... But i know loss is hard and different for everyone. So many hugs your way fairyo! I'd go grab your things if I could. You take the time you need to mourn and whatever process you need for it!


Dovina's picture

to your house and I will pick stuff up Smile You are one strong lady who has survived the worst. Truly, you are better for this and I admire your resiliance.

fairyo's picture

Thanks everyone- you are all great! I feel better after two glasses of wine, and I know that the next trip definately will be the last...I've never been very patient but I feel every time I go I'm being dragged to a place I don't want to be. The future is rosy for me!!

Iamwoman's picture

It’s hard to be dragged back into the past. I’m glad you’re almost done. You painted a very vivid picture of your torment and I felt like I was there with you (like reading a book).

I’m sure that you will have a new garden to love soon. I’ll have a drink with ya!

fairyo's picture

My new house doesn't have a garden but a very nice yard where I can grow things in pots and it will be much easier to maintain. Also there are country walks nearby if I need some space-  I will invite all my stepfriends around for drinks of couse!!

Aunt Agatha's picture

im so sorry this is painful!  I too avidly garden and miss some wonderful trees and shrubs I planted and cared for for years before I moved. 

I actually took a few special plants with me, leaving them with a friend for a few months in pots before I was able to get them.  Could you do the same? Roses are so hard to kill - they should do ok even if all you could do is root cuttings in small pots on your window window sill.

Hang in there!