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SS sinks deeper

oatsnhoney's picture

previously: suicidal ideation, lgbtq confused, hospitals, stopped meds, started pot. Explosive, unpredictable, angry. BPD potential diagnosis. Screaming battles with BPD mom.

now add: skipping school, Juul, drinking. Kicking a hole in his BMs wall.

i no longer discuss thus with DH. He seems to have accepted my stance on banning SS from my house until he’s in a healthy path. I got this new info today. No calls to Drs or in patent facilities have happened even though our therapist friend suggested this approach to the parents 2 months ago, and I sent DH emails of Drs and facilities 1 month ago.

all I replied was, it won’t get better until you guys do something different, he can’t fix this on his own. 

That was it. So glad I didn’t cave. DH is asking me about a Super Bowl party. In front of DS and younger SS. I told him in private I don’t want the same stress I had at Xmas party. He’s not taking the hint. I’m going to have to tell him if he wants to have a party, with SS17 won’t be here, or DS and I won’t be here. SS is getting worse and now drinking. I will not take risks and hope for the best. 

tog redux's picture

I don't understand these people. If I had a child with these issues, I'd be knocking down the doors at every mental health/substance abuse facility I could find.  Why are they neglecting his needs for treatment?

oatsnhoney's picture

I know?!!

my guess? BM rejects delving deeper with BPD because subconsciously she knows it points to her. She talks mostly about how she’s fed up and how this affects her. It always circles back to ALL she has done, and how all this is hard in her. (Not SS) And to find inpatient or new Doc... it’s “more work on her”. Which “makes this worse”, because more on her. DH? No clue what to do, and lazy. Perhaps he shuts himself down saying if BM won’t agree he can’t battle her on it. Anxiety, fear of failure, guilt for leaving them with a crazy BM.. all make him hide out? 

I really don’t know, I’m only guessing.

Thumper's picture

I am sorry---very sorry.

You are 100percent correct in protecting yourself and your bio child. Do NOT ever question that out of pity for dh or his boy who needs inpatient treatment for mental health.

You do realize bm and dh are responsible for getting him in treatement. By not doing something is neglectful. This kid needs a hero.

You should call police for welfare check that will put them on notice, cps will become involved because he is a minor . Your call can save his life.


oatsnhoney's picture

Not sure if they’d do anything he’s only a couple months from 18. If they removed him they’d bring him to our house. I can’t do that. I tried being the hero. I called this outcome when SS was 9. I worked hard to teach them positive parenting, self preservation around volatile people, consequences, overcoming challenge. But I was alone in that effort. BM told them they shouldn’t like me, undermined any good idea I tried (with insults) because it was mine, she felt threatened. Ie: when they’d call to talk to DH they’d as for me, he’d pass me the phone or go speaker. BM told DH if they speak to me she’s hanging up the phone. DH himself, didn’t like the stress of consequence folllowthru so he gave in. They both let them have unrestricted and unmonitored access to gaming and internet. Specially older SS would battle me on reasonable house rules. And with bio parents not on board and DH not acting on my therapy advice... I disengaged. Left this family to do what they wanted.

Then when DS was born, I just focused on that.

For SS17, it’s going to get worse. He’s going to need a rock bottom which will be probably a traumatic event or arrest. He’s going to have to find a way to save himself I think. He’s too hard headed to hear the warnings. He’s walking a fine line between scraping by and getting into college (where he may thrive, he’s super smart and will be away from crazy BM), or, he’ll quit school and disappear once he hits 18. 

StepUltimate's picture

"I called this outcome when SS was 9."

You did all you could, and probably more than SS will ever know. I pray for your SS; his bio-parents have let him ALL the way down - neglecting his needs for structure, consistency, discipline, and consequences. PLUS they had an incredible, caring resource in you advocating for SS's needs... and still REFUSE to take action. 

I really feel for you and am so sorry you've gone through all this only to have your maternal instincts (which were and are right-on) rejected, and having to watch this skid rapidly swirl the drain into a very depressing addiction-unreality existance.

But you are right about detaching and letting go of what you cannot control. My heart breaks for you because although it's not quite as bad, my SSalmost19 has a similar story, where narcissistic BM played SS & my DH (Guilty Daddee) like fiddles for a loooong time, with me trying to be the Fix-It StepMom.

Indigo's picture

With all that, BM & BD aren't stepping up ... your views & opinions don't matter.

Your BS just isn't really on the radar. Sorry, that stinks.


Harry's picture

alot of times comes from the parents, BM must be also have mental illness, So she doesn’t see it, or is afraid it’s going to reflect on her illness