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wow, almost caved and glad I didn't

oatsnhoney's picture

Quick recap..  SS17 suicidal ideation, lgbtq confused, lazy, lethargic, everyone else's fault, had a recent (first time) freak out in front of my 5yo while screaming the F word for 20 minutes. I have since banned him from the house. It took a few awful talks with DH but he does agree to not exposing 5yo to this mess, so he agrees. Although we both realize it puts him in a super difficult position. Since we also have SS14. So it is CLEAR... that SS17 is banned since only one kid comes for weekend visitation. Will that bother SS17? Make him feel unwanted? Perhaps, or he won't even care.. Bottom line, 5yo and SS14 need to be protected as much as possible.

Yes, he's been hospitailized, yes hes had doctors, yes therapy, yes he has been given meds. I found an awesome lgbtq teen group that he really liked... but he didn't keep it up. He is definately not on any "put effort into heatlh and positive growth" plan. The parents.. save him constantly then wonder why  no improvement, don't push for inpatient programs because they are afraid he will be sent to State, since private is only for rich people. 

So now.. he continues to smoke pot, we get school robo calls about missed classes all the time, his Mom is at her wits end (although she is a BPD, screamer, break things in anger kinda person so well she created this). A couple weeks ago I wrote a post about 5yo and how he's been going through emotional and anger events since that night. That post didn't save so I didn't rewrite it. While I was hugging him in bed to help him calm down about something or other, I asked if anything is bothering him he wants to talk about. He cried yes, that he misses SS17!! And burst into big cry. I said how do you feel about all that, still scared? (he's been waking up afraid a bad guy is going to get into the house) He said yes in big cry. Then he said he misses him and wants him to come to the house (I never declared to 5yo he is banned, but I'm sure he is figuring it out). I told 5yo that just like people are sick with a cold, sometimes they get sick with their emotions. It is not something you catch, you are born with it. But the Drs are trying to help Ss17 get better. I didn't tell Dh about that chat, I think he would feel even worse knowing 5yo was crying that much about it. DH is under a lot of stress and developing some anxiety and sleep issues. 

Because of that chat I was starting to think.. maybe I should let SS17 have some visit time here? Maybe its better to show 5yo how to work through something. Then the other me would say NO WAY.. you can't put him in a volatile environment, he's too young. Wait until you know for sure SS17 is on the mend. Since Xmas is looming, and DH had told SS17 he should apologize to me and try make ammends (to which SS17 replied he's too busy for that)...  I decided to just wait and see what happens. I never told DH I was thinking of allowing him back. 

Well, last night on his way to see them for dinner, he calls and casually mentions "we have to figure out this weekend". Its visitation weekend. I told him we already did. We had a big talk and made our decisions. He said, oh, I don't remember. WTF. (I had told him I would fly to my family and have Xmas there to save him the issue of telling SS17 he can't come until the Eve party. So we can all just enjoy. He said no, he didn't want us to go). So we decided he can come during the big extended family Xmas Eve party at our house and maybe an hour before. DH said we can talk about it when he gets home. I said "joy." and got off the phone. But then.. emailed him. Saying I don't want to talk about it again. This is what we decided and why. And we decided then so we wouldn't have to have awful "talks" right before xmas. When he got home he did not bring it up and was very sweet. Guess he read my email.

Then this AM he tells me BM called earlier and is at her wits end. I guess SS17 does nothing. Won't respond to be woken up, skipping school, arguing with her. Oh and he's not taking his meds. WHAT THE WHA?? This is why I say I almost caved and am glad he didn't. His flip out was "took myself off the meds" related. I told Dh that changes things for Eve Party. I didn't say how, but I don't want him hear when everyone else is not. DH said we have to hid all booze. I said, you need to ask SS14 if he minds driving with him, because maybe he does mind. I'll drive him home if he wants. I also said we have to tell your family, because they have kids and you can't let them come in blind. He agreed. He said he thinks he will be fine but I reminded him about a birthday family party we were at where SS17 snuck booze then faked a suicide attempt in front of his teen, preteen cousins. Luckily my kid was with me and didn't see that. I told DH he can not come home with us, so he drove him to BM's. I told him take him to the  hospital.. parents decided not to. In the morning they went. ER told them, next time come straight here.

I'm so glad I didn't cave. I feel for SS17, but he would not listen to me if I tried to impart wizdom. Its taking alot for me not to try "fix all this". Since I am a fixer. But I learned a long time ago if the bio's and kid don't support your ideas.. walk away. Its waisted effort.

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

Don't cave. Having a similar situation with my own BS18. Boy done lost his mind and is currently.. somewhere? He refuses to talk to me because I have a firm line about his meds and continuing education. He is also banned from my house because DD7 doesn't need to see his issues firsthand. The rages, the incoherent political speeches, the holes in walls. Bye Felicia.

Harry's picture

You can not fix or control SS. He does not listen to anyone or anything.  I would not have him at New Years Eve party.  Why so everybody else has to be on pins and needles. Lock up booze, spending your time getting her home ?  He is the sick one. You should not have to change everyone’s life because he is sick. And the fact is with the booze and drugs Locked up, he will not want to be there, or he will invite some of his sick friends over and make it a circus 

oatsnhoney's picture

Omg this is getting worse. BM just called DH and said she wants him out of the house now. Like today. She can’t have a pleasant conversation with him. It’s always an argument. She told him he had 3 choices, 1) go on his meds, school and go to college next year 2) quit school get a job and his own place 3) just leave. Because of skipping school and no meds she took away his car and his phone. All he says to her is F you. Over abc over.

she said why can’t he come live with you (DH). He said he can’t have him here with 5yo. She said well what about SS14. He shouldn’t have to go they this either. DH said I agree, but 5yo is 5.

i said.. and it’s my house too. DH said I know. I said no, I mean you can tell her it’s not just your decision. He said yeah... 

i told him she’s not going to put her kid out tonight with freezing temps. Tell her if she fears his aggression or he’s having an episode that he may hurt himself to call the police. Get him into residential treatment. DH said I think only state would take him. I said well if kicking him out means he will kill him self, then isn’t that the better option? Or join the military. Or if she just needs a cool down break because it’s a teen parent typical argument then just go out for dinner with SS14.

i said this changes things for the family party. He said I know but I can’t think about that now.

notarelative's picture

Two of the options you have give DH are viable. Military option is not. He's seventeen. Even if BM and DH were willing to sign the enlistment papers, the military would not take him. He hasn't finished high school. And if by some miracle the parents manage to get him to graduate, the chances of of him lasting through boot camp are miniscule. 

The seventeen year old has been to therapy and groups. But, have the parents tried parent groups? Maybe talking to other parents (on a regular basis) would give them some tools to use.


blayze's picture

I can’t stand your skid...nor his mama...and your dh is close behind. Smile don’t cave because that’s helping to fix a mess you didn’t create. Someone has to care about you and yours first!

Harry's picture

Has to be put into a residential treatment program. To start with.  Only bad part is you can not make stay there, he has rights!!  He can leave anytime he wants.  If his mother can’t deal with him. How are you, with young children going to do it,  your kids do not need this in there life.  Offer residential Treatment, or homeless shelters 

Rags's picture

No elder teen should be allowed to interfere in a younger sibs turn to be the age they are.

Time to get this kid into the system and made a ward of the state so that mom and dad and their respective families do not have to suffer.