wow, almost caved and glad I didn't
Quick recap.. SS17 suicidal ideation, lgbtq confused, lazy, lethargic, everyone else's fault, had a recent (first time) freak out in front of my 5yo while screaming the F word for 20 minutes. I have since banned him from the house. It took a few awful talks with DH but he does agree to not exposing 5yo to this mess, so he agrees. Although we both realize it puts him in a super difficult position. Since we also have SS14. So it is CLEAR... that SS17 is banned since only one kid comes for weekend visitation. Will that bother SS17? Make him feel unwanted? Perhaps, or he won't even care.. Bottom line, 5yo and SS14 need to be protected as much as possible.
Yes, he's been hospitailized, yes hes had doctors, yes therapy, yes he has been given meds. I found an awesome lgbtq teen group that he really liked... but he didn't keep it up. He is definately not on any "put effort into heatlh and positive growth" plan. The parents.. save him constantly then wonder why no improvement, don't push for inpatient programs because they are afraid he will be sent to State, since private is only for rich people.
So now.. he continues to smoke pot, we get school robo calls about missed classes all the time, his Mom is at her wits end (although she is a BPD, screamer, break things in anger kinda person so well she created this). A couple weeks ago I wrote a post about 5yo and how he's been going through emotional and anger events since that night. That post didn't save so I didn't rewrite it. While I was hugging him in bed to help him calm down about something or other, I asked if anything is bothering him he wants to talk about. He cried yes, that he misses SS17!! And burst into big cry. I said how do you feel about all that, still scared? (he's been waking up afraid a bad guy is going to get into the house) He said yes in big cry. Then he said he misses him and wants him to come to the house (I never declared to 5yo he is banned, but I'm sure he is figuring it out). I told 5yo that just like people are sick with a cold, sometimes they get sick with their emotions. It is not something you catch, you are born with it. But the Drs are trying to help Ss17 get better. I didn't tell Dh about that chat, I think he would feel even worse knowing 5yo was crying that much about it. DH is under a lot of stress and developing some anxiety and sleep issues.
Because of that chat I was starting to think.. maybe I should let SS17 have some visit time here? Maybe its better to show 5yo how to work through something. Then the other me would say NO WAY.. you can't put him in a volatile environment, he's too young. Wait until you know for sure SS17 is on the mend. Since Xmas is looming, and DH had told SS17 he should apologize to me and try make ammends (to which SS17 replied he's too busy for that)... I decided to just wait and see what happens. I never told DH I was thinking of allowing him back.
Well, last night on his way to see them for dinner, he calls and casually mentions "we have to figure out this weekend". Its visitation weekend. I told him we already did. We had a big talk and made our decisions. He said, oh, I don't remember. WTF. (I had told him I would fly to my family and have Xmas there to save him the issue of telling SS17 he can't come until the Eve party. So we can all just enjoy. He said no, he didn't want us to go). So we decided he can come during the big extended family Xmas Eve party at our house and maybe an hour before. DH said we can talk about it when he gets home. I said "joy." and got off the phone. But then.. emailed him. Saying I don't want to talk about it again. This is what we decided and why. And we decided then so we wouldn't have to have awful "talks" right before xmas. When he got home he did not bring it up and was very sweet. Guess he read my email.
Then this AM he tells me BM called earlier and is at her wits end. I guess SS17 does nothing. Won't respond to be woken up, skipping school, arguing with her. Oh and he's not taking his meds. WHAT THE WHA?? This is why I say I almost caved and am glad he didn't. His flip out was "took myself off the meds" related. I told Dh that changes things for Eve Party. I didn't say how, but I don't want him hear when everyone else is not. DH said we have to hid all booze. I said, you need to ask SS14 if he minds driving with him, because maybe he does mind. I'll drive him home if he wants. I also said we have to tell your family, because they have kids and you can't let them come in blind. He agreed. He said he thinks he will be fine but I reminded him about a birthday family party we were at where SS17 snuck booze then faked a suicide attempt in front of his teen, preteen cousins. Luckily my kid was with me and didn't see that. I told DH he can not come home with us, so he drove him to BM's. I told him take him to the hospital.. parents decided not to. In the morning they went. ER told them, next time come straight here.
I'm so glad I didn't cave. I feel for SS17, but he would not listen to me if I tried to impart wizdom. Its taking alot for me not to try "fix all this". Since I am a fixer. But I learned a long time ago if the bio's and kid don't support your ideas.. walk away. Its waisted effort.