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skids not caring for your bkids!!!!

dragonfly's picture

its been long since i logged in here cause everything was calm since sd now 11 was mia for almost 2 years. now shes back and now i have another baby. both babies are mine and sds dad. one is 3 years old and the other one is 3 months old both girls and very lovable and friendly (yes even the 3 month old,,, always smiling). sd missed 2 years of my first bd and when she came back all she did was "hi bd" and that was it no hug no kiss nothing. she got to be here for my second pregnancy and not once did she want to touch my belly to feel the baby move. so second bd was born and the first time she saw her her reaction was as if she saw a weird bug. again no kiss, no "oh shes so cute, no "can i carry her" NOTHING!!! just a blank stare and walked out of the room. hubby was there to see the whole thing i think he either pretended he didnt see her reaction or he really didnt see it. hubby is a whole other story not seeing what sd does or does not do with her sisters.

well this is pretty much how sd reacts with her baby sisters when shes here, she sees them as weird bugs. last weekend she pissed me off and my sister. i went to my moms house were all my nephews and nieces were hanging out all around the same age as sd and my 3 year old. my nephews take care of each other and if the little one falls they quickly pick him up. not the case with sd who was only worried about the game and did not care if bd fell. i was inside feeding my 3 month old when all this was happening. my sister was helping out with my bd but she got really frustrated cause bd was falling or was being hit by the other boys literally in front of sd and she would do NOTHING!!! at the end bd was yanked by the arm by my older nephew(whole other story) and sd was closer and did nothing even though bd was crying in pain. i got pissed and took my kids away from there and as i am loading my kids in the truck sd is taking her sweet time with my sisters dog meanwhile bd is crying thinking sd is staying.

on sunday we are leaving the house and hubby steps out of the house first with 3 month old then sd and following her was bd. i have screen doors that bounce back really hard and only leave space between doors so that fingers dont get smashed. well sd walks out knowing bd is behind her and does not hold the door for her. i couldnt get there in time to hold it so the door smashed my baby and she fell and cried. i told sd very mad "why dint u hold the door for her" sd turns around says nothing and continues walking :jawdrop: not one apology or try to pick her up since she was crying and i had my hands full.

since sd came back form her 2 year tantrum i decided to disengage with her but after all this not caring about her sisters "oh im back" and shes gonna hear it from me. tired of hubby not saying anything to her so im gonna.

Tx mommy of 3's picture

Jealousy. My ss stopped visiting us when our ds was born. He didn't come for 3 years- maybe once/twice a year we saw him. Maybe. So he started visiting again last summer and has been coming regularly since. Dh and I have 3 bios- 1, 4, 5. Ss 'knew' dd since he visited when she was born but missed out on ds growing up. He is still jealous of ds. It causes problems even though ss is 13 and ds is 4! Your dh is the father of all 3 kids. He needs to become aware that his daughter (your sd) actions affect his other daughters. Is she around other kids? She may just not know how to act around little kids. If she isn't around kids or is an only child with bm she may not understand how to take care of little ones. But it is also a jealousy thing. She wants to know her daddy hasn't forgotten her too. And she is prob jealous that your girls get to see heir daddy everyday unlike her. How to combat that...idk

dragonfly's picture

sd has a younger sister with bm (2 years apart)and about not knowing how to act around little kids is not the case with her. my friend had her baby 8 months before i had my 3 year old so we went to visit and sd was all over the baby. my sister thought sd was gonna be all over with mine but never happened. i have a 5 year old niece who comes over to play with my baby and sd helps her off the steps by carrying her(not that she needs it) and plays more with her than she does with her own sister. when we go to my sisters house she ignores bd and her attention is on my niece. she does things with other kids that she doesnt with her own sisters. btw hubby does not ignore her when she is here besides she doesnt leave his sight for a minute.

after her sister with bm was born my brother in law had 2 girls one after the other and they all lived in the same house (well not bm cause they were divorced already) so she has been around small kids.

i dont understand why they get away after a daddys new baby is born specially if they are jealous that they dont get to see him every day. one would think they would do the opposite and wanto come over more often. its been 5 years for u and ur ss is still jealous....does it ever stop? do they love our kids? what is the difference between our kids and bms?

Tx mommy of 3's picture

Well my ss is only jealous of our son, not the girls. I guess it's a same-sex thing. Since ss is a boy, he is jealous of the 'other' boy? He was fine when dd5 was born. And he doesn't pay attention to dd1. He also has a little sister at home who I think he likes and plays with. The friction is between ss and our ds. The only thing I can think of as to why ss stopped coming was maybe because he felt replaced?? We also have no idea what bm told ss about us when our kids were born so that might've also made a difference. Do you know if your bm has been negative about your kids? Maybe since you and dh have girls then that has caused the jealousy to play in more. The only difference between our kids and bm's is that they live with bm and her kids fulltime. They prob feel like those kids are more like 'real' siblings than our kids since they aren't around our kids all the time. Sure, eoweekend but not everyday. This is just me thinkit out loud...I really have NO idea what i'm talking about! Honestly, I could care less if ss had a relationship with my kids. I it bothers you, though, I'd maybe have dh talk to sd and reassure her and maybe spend time with just 'his girls' without you. Maybe he can take all 3 to the park or something to get her used to being around them more. Maybe try to force her to spend time with them without making it feel forced, you know. I'd also try to really stress her role as big sister. Make her a helper. Have her choose how she wants to help. Tell her dd wantsto play with her big sister and give them some toys in the livingroom and let her play with dd.but really your dh needs to be in charge of this more though because if it comes from you it might not go as well. Then again if dh doesn't do anything someone does need to.

The big G's picture

That reminds me of when my first little girl was born, O/H brought SD up to visit me in hospital OMG the look she gave my bd was so funny, we got loads of pictures of her with bd and she isnt smiling in one. I think she was still sulking as i refused point blank to have sd in the delivery suite. (didnt think it was a good idea, still cant believe OH thought it was a good idea!! men eh)

Have you tried getting sd involved with choosing your bd's clothes, food or birthday toys? it worked for me, sd still has problems interacting with her half sisters and mainly its down to jealousy but it has helped letting her make small decisions in there lifes like she is helping to look after them.

P.S i did get one of the photos developed which she pulled an awful face taught her not to pull faces again when i was armed with a camera Blum 3

12yrstepmonster's picture

I think the problem becomes especially when the new family starts in the NCP, is the fear of being replaced- of not being loved, of losing their NCP, as well as not being a part of the family.

Take considerable effort to make her feel as she too is part of your family. Possibly give her little tasks to do to help.

While it was her "choice" not to come, maybe it was her way of wanting to see if her dad would want her there as well. Our state parenting guide states that the child has no choice in visitation. They are to be made to go to the other parent's house.

hismineandours's picture

I dont know if it ever gets better. My dd was 2, my ds 1, and ss2 when dh and I met. When ss was 5-we had a dd together. My ss has always had huge issues with my ds. Very aggressive, threatening with him-always bullying him. Others noticed it-not just something I thought. He largely ignores my oldest dd (who is the same age as him)and has since a young age. He also ignored younger dd until she was about 2 and then he started picking on her and being aggressive with her as well. The kids are now 13, 12, 11, and 9. He has bluntly told my kids that he doesnt like them, doesnt like being around them, and feels as if he doesnt really get along with them.

I used to think it was sad-but now I just want him to keep his distance from my kids. He is just not interested in being close with them and "blending". He is very intent on maintaining a separate identity and a "uniqueness". He lived with us from ages 1 until 9 and it's always been this way. He used to completely make up random stories about them and then tattle on them to try and get the im in trouble.

dragonfly's picture

we have tried everything said here. hubby spends alone time with them since i take care of the small one. he has asked sd to help with both girls. he also spends alone time with sd and has been reassuring her that she is loved since my first one was born. when sd was not coming over my hubby would call her and ask her to come over. it was a big fuss everytime and his heart was broken cause sd would tell him she didnt want to come over. my 3 year old loves her so much that she cries for her when we drop her off. bd is always wanting to play with her but sd gets annoyed by her and rather do nothing.

the big g i know what u mean about the pics i have several of those as well.

dragonfly's picture

i think that since sd doesnt see her sisters that often she would miss them and be excited to be with them. isnt that the case when we dont see people we care about for long periods of time?

dragonfly's picture

oh and i forgot to mention that 3 month old bd can be crying her lungs out and sd doesnt even look her way. i has bd in the swing and had to step out for a little bit. sd and 3 year old bd were in all in the same room as the baby. i take like one minut and when i come back baby is red and out of air cause she is crying (wants to be held by me all the time). sd is watching tv and not even looking at the baby while my other bd is giving baby a doll so she can stop crying. i did not expect her to carry her just try to calm her down by talking to her or call me to let me know that the baby is out of breath. bd did more by giving her the doll.

Tx mommy of 3's picture

It sounds like she is doing it on purpose- to hurt you. It's like she is trying to pretend that baby doesn't exist at all. The ignoring her cries seem like she is just tying to prove to you and dh that she doesn't exist. How does she interact with dd3? Does she ignore her too or has I helped that dh has spent time with both of them together? Does dh hold and help with the baby when sd is there? Maybe he needs to show affection to the baby in front of sd to show that he cares for the baby too. The thing is, though, if someone doesn't want to 'blend' then I don't think it can be forced. Like someone else said, after all these hears her ss still hasn't blended with the others.

dragonfly's picture

thats what i fear blender that she might not have an emotional connection to them.

tx mommy sd does not interact with my older bd. last weekend my hubby took sd, bd and my 5 yo niece to the park and when they were done my hubby began loading the bikes in the truck. all of a sudden hubby sees sd sitting in the truck ready to leave while bd and niece are still outside. sd was supossed to care for them while he loaded up the bikes. and its not like sd is being held responsible for 2 little hyperactive brats. hubby just wanted her to keep on eye on them but she could care less to what her dad told her.

hubby does ho;d baby when sd is here. i have even left my 2 girls with him to run quick errands while sd is here.

Anon2009's picture

Hi dragonfly,

I think everyone else here gave you great advice. I think a lot of it boils down to jealousy. When my mom married my SF he came with a younger daughter. I was close in age to your SD. I wasn't pleased, to say the least. I was jealous and I felt that SF and his kids stole my mom from me. It took a lot of hard work to blend on everyone's part, and we all get along great now, but it was hard.

Another thought: I know you said DH called SD repeatedly to ask her to come over; however, did he enforce visitation? Maybe she feels like he tried, but wanted him to fight harder for her.

I think she needs to be allowed to form a relationship with your bios on her own time frame. She still needs to show them basic civility. Getting close with them might take years. It might never happen. Some people are just polar opposites.

DaizyDuke's picture


I was annoyed at first that SS12 doesn't really seem care about our 14month old BS. He'll feign interest if DH is in the room or if someone is visiting, almost to put on a show like he is the wonderful big brother, but if it's just he and BS, he'll totally ignore him, NEVER plays with him or anything. I honestly don't care now, I think the kid is strange anyway, and getting stranger by the day so fine with me! BS has lots of cousins his age and friends of ours have kids that adore him and love to babysit and play with him, so whatever... it's SS loss.

dragonfly's picture

hatebeingasm.....i have the same problem with mil, well actually all of hubbies family. they prefer sd11 and bil girls over mine. i dont understand cause my girls are so lovable and they look so much like my husband and sd doesnt. sd spends vacations and bms weekends with family in law. since my 3 year old was born her grandparents have visited about 2 or 3 times and 1 of them was to fight about lies that sd made up about me. since 3 month old bd was born it took them a month to come over to see her. they are still missing in action. but in my case hubby is in love with his new born no matter who is around. oh and my sister got pissed and told me if u dont teach sd to care for her sisters than who is gonna care for them? i said " well they have each other now and they dont really need her". i always wanted to have 3 or 4 kids of my own but after know what a bad sister sd would be to my bd i really wanted to get pregnant again as soon as possible. thankful that my bds have plenty of cousins and friends that adore them. and sd doesnt even care to put up a show when others are around. she wants to be the center of attention so she talks and talks and acts silly specially around hubbies guy friends... :O (i think hubby should be worried about that)

dragonfly's picture

anon i think sd might be polar opposite with both my bds and then with the next one i have. sds mother is the one that got in a relationship right away after the divorce and had another child. why isnt sd jealous of her other sister?

and daddy begged her for a while until he got tired. if u love someone u dont allow them to beg for u even more if that person has been good to you all your life.

i just want peace with this girl and i dont care if she shows me affection as long as she shows it to her sisters and dad. because she lacks that as well ....daddy can also cry in front of her for her and she wont even care to give him a hug.

Anon2009's picture

Like you said, she hasn't seen DH for 2 years. That's a lot of time for BM to poison her against DH, you and your kids. I think she has a lot of jealousy over the fact that your bios see DH every day and she does not, and on top of that, she didn't see him for two years.

Children do not (and should not) get to call the shots about going to see their other bioparent unless said bioparent is a bad person. There are court orders and parenting plans for a reason. If SD and BM think that they can disregard the agreement, call the cops and have them go over with DH to let BM and SD know SD has to see DH. He shouldn't have been begging her. That's giving SD all the power.

I think the only way peace can be achieved for all of you is DH's getting SD into counseling.

dragonfly's picture

dh sometimes doesnt want to make a scene by calling the cops its only when i find out that visitation is being denied that he calls them. so far sd has been calling the shots and decides whether she wants to come with dad or dad's family. oh we tried the therapy thing but it backfired on hubby....why? well bm lied about everything and we didnt even know sd was going to therapy. we found out when my mother in law called my dh very pissed and said that sd did not need medication and that WE should stop giving it to her. this was dhs reaction :jawdrop: . we knew nothing about this but mil was blaming us for it. bm changed the story with the therapist and family in law so it didnt work and just made things worst for both sd cause she has issues and my daughters cause their grandparents and uncle dont visit them.

family in law only ask for sd and pick her up when they want to she even spends weekends with her uncle. by the way we only live like 3 miles apart. uncle and daughters dont know new baby and grandparents met her once...

dragonfly's picture

thanks for your 2 cents Smile . this part was very helpful and will use it next time (i know there will be one Sad )...(Do you think being hit by a door would hurt you too? Why do you think your sister is crying? Do you know it hurts us too when you hurt your sister? etc.)

Abalyn's picture

I think this is pretty common, even among full siblings (that were there from the start, through the pregnancy, etc.)

And, not to be a bitch, but your kids probably just aren't that important to her. I'm sure it's hurtful that she doesn't love, love, love them the way you do, but why would she? She's not that invested in them. The baby cried for less than a minute? Hell, I'd ignore that too, if it weren't my own. Actually, I'd ignore it even if it were my own. She didn't think to stop the door from slamming on the three year old's fingers? I think it's a bit much to expect an 11 year old to think about stuff like that when she's not around a little one much. Crazy boy cousins were hitting a little girl? I don't blame SD for not stepping in. She didn't rush to pick up a three year old that fell down? Good for her! Unless BD's seriously hurt, you really shouldn't jump up to rush to the aid of a toddler that took a spill.

Besides all of that - not her kid, not her problem.

I'm sorry that this hurts your feelings, but IMO, you're setting unrealistic expectations of an uninvolved 11 year old.

I hope that you can cut her some slack and realize that at 11, it's really not her job to champion for your kids.

Tx mommy of 3's picture

At 11, she should be a lot more aware than she is. This sd has a younger sister at home too, so it's not like she isn't around kids ever. Plus the OP has said that sd is more attentive to other little kids, just not het half-sibs. The boys didn't hurt he daughter, they were the only ones who helped her because sd didn't. But I do believe an 11 yo knows better and should be expected to know better. I do agree with you that the sd doesn't care about her half-sis, though. And I agree that sometimes there isn't much that can be done. Personally I don't care if my ss has a relationship with my bios (his half-sibs) or not.

hismineandours's picture

Agreed. There is an almost 5 year age difference between my oldest and youngest daughters. When my dd was 5 and 6 years old she helped look out for her baby sister. Simple things. If she was crying my daughter and my son for that matter as well-might give her her pacifier-they might bring me a diaper and say that maybe she needs to be changed.

At 12-people were paying my dd to babysit their children. She works in the nursery at Church on Wednesdays and Sundays. This is an age when most kids especially girls love babies and toddlers.

My ds11-is also good with babies and toddlers. He has a cousin who is a toddler-at xmas he looked after him to make sure he didnt fall and hit his head on the fireplace.

These are simple things. I dont think the op is expecting too much out of this girl-she's obviously noticed that there is a lack of a bond. IDK-maybe it will develop with more time-then again perhaps not. As I said in my earlier post-my ss seemingly has no bond with any of my children and he lived full time here for almost 8 years. I almost think with my ss12 things have gotten worse in his feelings toward my kids-its almost as if he rejects ALL things to do with me and THIS family. Rejecting my children is another way for him to reject me (he has been brainwashed for years to see me as the wicked sm).

Abalyn's picture

That's kind of my point, the level of involvement. When your DD was 5 she got a baby sister...that she grew up with (presumably). Had she never been around little one's and taught "be careful of the baby's fingers in the door" she wouldn't have known. Not because she's stupid, but because it's just not something she's needed to think about.

OP's SD is univolved. She's never developed that bond. My BD is not a baby all. When I watch my friend's baby and he starts to cry, BD will walk away because she doesn't want to listen to it. I don't blame her for not having a bond with that baby, she just doesn't. Add to that jealousy and resentment that she likely feels? It just doesn't surprise me that she's apathetic toward the little ones.

I'm sure it's very hurtful for a mom when the skid doesn't dote on baby to her satisfaction, but much like I feel no real obligation to love my skid, I wouldn't hold a skid to that same obligation to love my kid, ya know?

dragonfly's picture

i agree with you that at age 11 and on kids specially girls love babies and toddlers. i know a lot of kids this age who are very lovable to their younger siblings and other kids. and congrats on having nice kids!!!

dragonfly's picture

im starting to see that sd doesnt care for her sisters and im afraid that no matter how much her dad talks to her she is not gonna come around. this is not for my well being its for them cause as sisters they should love each other and have each others back.

dragonfly's picture

first of all sd has a younger sister at her moms so she knows what it is to be around a little one. so according to you what is an 11 year old capable of? where im from 11 year olds can do a lot of things and use common sense to confront situations. it is our duty as grown ups to teach these kids responsibility, good manners and good feelings towards others at a young age.i dont expect sd to CHAMPION my kids (her sisters) just to show them some love just like my 3 year old shows her.

dragonfly's picture

this sounds good and i will try it even though my relationship with sd has been damaged my bm and family in law. our relationship used to be good and i used to to things with her until bm and family in law saw that we were getting along. i dont understand their motives for getting in the way i guess this will be the great mystery of my life.

thanks four ur advice!