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Sd wants to cook for me.

stepmominhiding's picture

So lately sd has been offering to cook for me. This makes me so nervous! I feel bad. I think it's her offering to nice gestures, but i can't help the thoughts in the back of my head that day she's going to put something in it.  

She's always been manipulative, sneaky, narcissistic, mean n etc. So it's not too far fetched to believe that she WOULD do something like that.  What do i do? I keep telling her "No thanks, I'm not very hungry"

Have yall ever dealt with that?  How do you deal with it? Would you eat the food? 

SusieCue's picture

I'm torn because my oldest SD is 15 and if my DH or I aren't home by 4pm from work or running errands she will call us repeatedly asking when we will be home to cook dinner, as if she cannot make a sandwich, etc by herself. So if she offered to cook ANYTHING I'd be amazed. Would I eat it, though? Not a chance. She still has to be reminded to wash her hands after using the bathroom. Yuck. Plus, she is also very sneaky and manipulative so I don't trust her. 

I'd just tell her to practice cooking for herself. I wouldn't eat it.

stepmominhiding's picture

Oh, she knows HOW to cook.  Ive taught all of the kids when they turned 13 to cook SOMETHING.  It may not always turn out 100%, but i am a firm believer in learning life skills BEFORE you move out.  I don't mind if she's cooking for everyone.  But if she says "SM, can i make you lunch?" My answer has always been, "no thank you sweety, I'm not hungry right now."

susanm's picture

My SD is thankfully moved out and I do not expect to see her any time soon but when she was living with us there was not a chance in h@ll I would have eaten anything she made just for me to consume.  That girl hated me with the fire of 1000 suns.  There was a period of time that she was into recipes online for some reason and she would make snacks for movies and things that she and her father would also eat.  That was one thing.  But if she ever were to bring something to me and say "Susan, I made this for you to eat" and no one else was sharing it I would have made any excuse possible to avoid putting it in my mouth.

stepmominhiding's picture

That's about where i am.  I know sd doesn't like me.  I think i put up a really good front and treat her respectfully and always tell her to let me know if she's not being treated fairly.  And if someone is mistreating her i correct it right awayn because i want my children to learn that we're treat EVERYONE with kindness and  respect, whether they deserve it or not.  Not to be confused with meekness. They will stand up for themselves, but will not be mean.  They know how to say "you are not treating me kind, and i will not engage in this with you" and walk away. Don't get me wrong n I've had top correct my children with the way they've treated her. They aren't perfect, but they KNOW how to be kind and still get their point across. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Food sanitation is very important to me, and I also believe in listening to your gut. So unless you prepare a meal together or as a family, no way would I eat her cooking. Even then, I'd probably make her eat it first.

Step life has made me jaded. Can you tell?

Lollybobs's picture

Ok, so maybe she is trying to offer a nice gesture. Just to be on the safe side though, why don't you sit with her while she makes it  and chat... so you can see exactly what goes into it and remind on hygiene points if necessary.

stepmominhiding's picture

Right, i can try that.  But I'm worried that she'll ask me to grab something and then she'll spit in it, or put a booger in it or dump salt in it, etc

1wonder woman's picture

Trust me I am sure if you asked my Step Mom years ago she too felt the same way towards my sister and I. Thank God she did not listen to the fear that was in her head. We asked her if we could start to cook meals for her and my father... at first she did not trust us girls I could tell.  But she let us girls each pick out a new recipe out of the cook books and my step Mom would go to the store and she would buy the stuff that we needed for each one of our recipes...  We took turns one would cook the meal and the other would cook the dessert so we did this once a week and we even put candles on the table and our parents would have a romantic dinner together and we even played soft music... they loved us cooking for them and really looked forward to it and we did this every week. Today some of those recipes turned out to be some of our favorites to this day. I remember when I was a kid and I said to my step mom wow you cook she said yes I told her "you are a cooking mom... my mom is not a cooking mom". She laughed she said "I thought every mom was a cooking mom".  Not my Mom"...But I wanted to learn how to cook so thank God my step Mom allowed me to cook.  I feel like I am a good cook today and a good mom and wife because of my step Mom being in my life. My step Mom also took cake decorating lessons and she taught us girls how to bake and she taught us cake decorating. She taught me to be creative she taught me how to sew. My step Mom was totally opposite than my Mom. Us cooking together helped us bond with our step mom and today we are still doing stuff together. 

I will be honest in the beginning my sister and were brats we really tried to break our step Mom and Dad up and our Mom and our Step Dad too. We wanted our parents back together... I feel bad today... I appreciate my step parents so much more today I am so blessed to have not two parents but four parents. I am a reflection today of all four of the parents that helped raise me. I look at this divorce as a blessing in my life... Especially after my birth mother passed away...  I still have my step mom in my life... I feel so blessed to have more than one mom and one dad... 

My advice to you is this allow your step daughter to cook for you... you can just sit in the kitchen be there for her and teach her... help her someday who knows she might be more of a reflection of you instead of her birth mother.

My SO has a 12 year old daughter and we cook together all the time... when we have her we let her pick out a new recipe and I help her cook and I teach her how to cook. She said the other day I am so thankful you came into my life I love cooking now thanks to you... that just made my day. I try to bond with her and give her a good memory of me... I try to show her I am a good person... I know her mother has tried her best to cut me down in this girls eyes so I just be ME be the best ME that I can be the best step Mom that I can be and prove her mother wrong. His daughter knows deep down I am a good person and I am good to her. 

stepmominhiding's picture

It's not like she ever actually tried to break  us  up.  It's that she's really horrible. She tries to "get me in trouble" even though im a grown ass adult.  She argues 24/7. She flat out ignores me.  She has actually shoved me.  When i try to bond and spend time with her, turns around and says i treat her badly. She tries to get my children in trouble by doing things and them blaming them for it.  She goes and tells her mom EVERYONE is mean to her. She takes things i say and twist it around to fit what ever agenda she has. She treats everyone love they owe her something. After 9 years of being treated like this, i still treat her respectfully,  still remind her we are aaaaaaallllllll on the same team.  We all care about her and want her to speak up if she ever truly feels like she's being treated unfairly.  We will always be there for her no matter what happens.  

 

So when she asks to cook it does make me nervous.  I don't think she'd POISON us.  But would she spit in the food while I'm not looking?  Pick her nose and fling it in there?  Very possibly.  She's offered to wash dishes and left food on them and tried to put them  up with food still attached.  I vought her and asked would she be ok with us eating off of them.  She said yea.  Then i said "ok i want to see you eat something with this still on it.  She flipped out talking about me wanting to make her sick.  

Kona_California's picture

Oh in that case maybe be totally direct and say "to be completely honest with you, I would love to cook together and get along. But the way you act toward me it makes me think you might mess with the food... so it makes me not want to eat it." I don't think there's anything wrong with being transperant. It also lets you talk about how you would like the relationship to be.

Kona_California's picture

I would give the benefit of the doub and express how much that means to you. Then I would say how you would love to cook together and maybe it could actually be a bonding experience. Also you can monitor what goes in it haha. 

Rags's picture

Let her cook.  Just make sure it is under the hairy eyeball of your direct supervision and that she eats her serving first.  A serving that you dish up.

Sandybeaches's picture

I understand I feel the same way.  Anytime I am given candy or anything as a gift from SD or SS I never eat it.  I am always afraid they or more than likely BM has put something in it.  

If I were you if I ever ate anything I would be sure that I only ate things that were buffet style and that everyone including DH and SD ate it too.  I would never let her serve you a plate of anything!!