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No-call, no-show BM

holly5692's picture

I guess I've got a lot to bitch about from this last weekend's visitation with the stepkids (see my other post from yesterday lol), but I'm pretty much over that now. Husband and I talked, apologies were made, understanding was given. 

To put the icing on the cake though, mom was supposed to come pick kids up around 6:30 Sunday evening. She doesn't usually offer to come get them--typically they try to work out a meet halfway type of arrangement. I should know by now though. Any offers she does make of coming to pick up usually have about a 50/50 rate of whether she follows through or not. We live about an hour and a half from each other. My husband, on the other hand, has driven the full distance many times. 

So 6:30 comes and goes. No word from her. Not responding to texts. And I'm like is she ok? Because certainly who does this? Finally an hour later she texts my husband back to say she's drinking at a bbq. Completely in the opposite direction of home. Farther from her home than we even are.

Did your eyes also just nearly pop out of their sockets?

Maybe they didn't. I know many of you are not strangers to the heinous acts of toxic BMs around here. But still. 

This is not the only instance of something like this, but this blatant disregard for her kids seems to be coming more frequently, in favor of her newest boyfriend these days. I have typically always seen her as someone who cares about her kids, even if she is severely misguided at times. The more this stuff keeps happening though, I see otherwise.

So anyways, she wants them to stay with us longer and my husband is like no. He has to work in the morning and I'm really sick. She knew today was her day to pick up the kids. Priorities, lady. So my husband, at 8pm, begins driving the kids home. They all live with their uncle right now since their house burned down (which is another story entirely that would make your eyes bug out too). Uncle is a great, generous person. But even he was like WTF. My husband didn't get home until late, with work early in the morning.

I can put her being a piece of shit aside a lot of the time, especially since I started practicing disengaging with the kids in the healthiest ways I can come up with. But sometimes her being a piece of shit leaks over into my life and it makes me angry all over again, knowing the ways her children are messed up on account of how she's lived her life. And she wasn't even always like this, but she changes herself to cater to each new man she starts seeing. Example: she hated video games and used them to bait her son all the time, but now her new bf is a gamer, so obvi she is too and she looooves video games. *insert eyeroll here*

IDK about you, but I don't find that behavior attractive in a partner, but who am I to say I guess?

I'll pick myself up and get back at this disengaging thing again by the next weekend. I just had to get this out somewhere.


strugglingSM's picture

BM used to do this to DH before I met him. When she was still "dating" her current husband. She would call him Sunday afternoon and give some excuse as to why he had to keep the kids longer. Once, it was because her flight supposedly got cancelled. Another time it was due to a meeting on Monday morning that she "forgot" about. Another it was because the heat was supposedly off at her house. I don't believe any of those things were true, because BM is a manipulative liar by nature. As a passive, people-pleaser, DH would just take a day off work and take care of the children. He does not do that any more, thankfully, because I'm not interested in taking over for BM's responsibilities.

holly5692's picture

That would be so annoying. I'm glad he got a bit more backbone and doesn't cater to her anymore. You're right--that's not your job. What sucks more probably is that the kids (at least my sk's anyway--they're 13 & 15) totally see that they've been blown off by their own mother. 

I've said that it would be great for the kids to spend more time with us rather than her, BUT we run into issues when he has to work or when we both have to work. As the parent who is home more, I would have to take on that kind of role with them, and they don't like it. When I step back, we seem to get along much better. So if I can't get some level of respect in that regard and willingness to adhere to my household expectations, then they can only come over when my husband is home. 

Gimlet's picture

BM's favorite (with YSS) was "it might snow tomorrow" even though the bus stop was right outside of her house and DH would have to take time off work for late starts.

holly5692's picture

Seriously wow. 

It's just so foreign to me....this not wanting to come get one's kids. I'm always excited to get mine back home from their dad's. After all of this happened, I texted my ex an extra big thank you for bringing my son home on Sunday when I was sick, because it should have been my job to go pick him up. 

shamds's picture

The kids are good enough only for the monthly cs cheque but not worthy or important enough for bio mum to give a shit about nurturing and caring for them?? No doubt plenty of these kids are singing bio mum praises like she is moty when its so far from it

justmakingthebest's picture

EXACTLY- those kids are only good for her payday. 

OP- Print that text exchange out for the next time you are in court. She got drunk instead of going to pick up her kids when she was supposed to be there. 

She is a disgusting human.

Survivingstephell's picture

Ah, I remember this move.  My BM was famous for dropping them off with lice then leaving the state for weekend. 

This is what your DH says to her: BM, since your are having so much trouble with your role as parent, it's time for me to have full custody and you can just pay me child support so you can have your freedom from responsibility and spend more time with your BF.  Shall I draw up the paperwork now to make that change?  
Most BM's do not want to lose that money and it worked with my BM. You are lucky that the skids are teenagers and should be able to survive for a short time unsupervised.  
I doubt you'd end up with them, but if this move would work with your BM , then use it.  

Thumper's picture

As much as I agree to screen shot for court,  the "oh I forgot my kids because I am loaded at a BBQ" text,

I just does not matter.

BM will still retain custody.

Until and only IF she is locked UP in the clinker with some felony charges pending.

. Sooooo your best course of action is contact CPS in bm's town and make sure THEY know that dad is willing, able and available to take the children in.

You could drop a hint to cps..I am not filing a report but I am drawing attention to blah blah for blah blah. HERE is our contact info, I want to be sure you know DH is here.




Dogmom1321's picture

Recently, BM and SD10 went out of town for a funeral. BM was VERY clear that since DH had "extra" time and SD was here for 2 weeks, it was only fair that she gets SD two weeks in a row as well. DH agreed. 

ONE week rolls by and BM texts on Friday... "when are you picking her up?" He just responded with "I thought you wanted her for two week?" She NEVER answered and just responded with, "We will be back home at 5:00 for you to come by"

BM OBVIOUSLY just wanted to make a big deals about keeping her 2 weeks since she went to the beach with us. When it came down to it, BM didn't want to deal with her daughter for that long... she was only asking for 2 weeks out of spite. Like some of the other posts above... BM recently got a new BF and I'm assuming having SD probably puts a cramp in her dating life.