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Does anybody else feel like a stranger in their own house when Skids are there?

DaizyDuke's picture

this is my first post, but i have been reading alot of posts over the past week or so and can't believe how many people seem to feel the same way I do... I thought I was the only one! My husband has 2 Skids SS11 and SD12. They are very nice kids and I got along with them great when my husband and I first were togetehr (we've been together for 3 years now) but lately, when the Skids are there (especially together.. they have 2 different BM's) they will say hi, but then basically ignore me.. for instance if I am outside they are inside, If I am inside they are outside. My husband used to tell me when we were going to have them (there is no visitation.. they just call when they want to come over or when BM needs a babysitter) but the last couple of times, I get home from work and they are just there... I'm thinking.. didn't you think to mention to me that the kids were coming?? I know it is their house too, but I think it would be common courtesy to let me know so that I don't make plans or so I CAN make plans NOT to be there! both of their BMs are PITAs.. always wanting something or having some drama so I feel like I can't say anything to my hubby because i know that he will say something to the Skids about why they are not talking to me and they will run and tell BM's and then they will cause drama and I can't deal with that! I just want to be happy and I have gotten so if I do know they are coming I get depressed and try to come up with things to do, people to see, places to go so I don't have to be there feeling like a stranger in my own house. when they are not there I am happy as can be (myhubby and I have a 7 month old Son) the kids seem to like him (but not to the extent that they really seem to care one way or the other whether his is there or not) any of you seasoned veterans have any advice or like experiences? I love my hubby to death, but just don't know what to do... I DO know that I can't keep harboring this anger inside, because it is making me sick and sad.

forever2's picture

I could have written that exact post myself except I only have one SS 11 to deal with and have no kids of my own to help pass the time when BF would rather be with his kid. I started out feeling like I was a bad person for not talking to SS and playing games with him and engaging him. I tried very hard, made myself stay in the same room so he wouldn't feel ignorned. I learned about his school, his books, his cartoon characters. I picked him up from school and tried desperately to engage him in conversation on the drive home. In truth, I started drinking a lot at home to be able to relax around him. It really is like having a stranger in your house with the huge pressure that if SS isn't happy with you, BF isn't happy with you either. After awhile I couldn't take it. I revised my thinking. I said to myself. I love my BF. I do not have to love his son and I am entitled to hate BM and what she has done to our life. Of note, my BF actually feels like anyone who gets to spend time with his perfect son is lucky and blessed. That attitude doesn't help. If I make the effort to do something for his kid, he never says he appreciates the effort. He says, lucky you, isn't my kid wonderful? Anyway, I figure if my BF and I can maintain our love for each other, we have decades together. SS will be going to college in 7 years. In the course of a lifetime, that isn't so long. Is my BF worth waiting 7 years for? I think so. Now I have my own activities. I take classes. I work late. I garden. I exercise. I read. I have value and there is much to enrich my life while the kid is in my house. I certainly have more to do than watch cartoons and be SS's servant. You have to create a life you can live, whatever that means to you. Your feelings are normal and your situation is awkward no matter how BF may dismiss it. You have to find your own peace or you won't make it. I wonder everyday if I will make it, but at least now I feel like I have a more realistic perspective and a better chance.

DaizyDuke's picture

great advice, I do try to think that soon the kids will be teenagers and will probably not even want to spend much time with their father and I feel horrible.. because I know how happy my hubby is when he gets to spend time with his kids, but I also get angry because they have both been taught to use him by their BM's. I just told my hubby the other week (when SD called and wanted $250.00 worth of lacrosse equipment) and my hubby was in tears because he already pays his support and we are trying to save $ for a new house and of course BM's are worthless and spend money only on themselves but as he says he doesn't want his kids to go without.... I said I'm not really sure where he got the notion that he has to buy his children's love... those kids will love him even if he puts his foot down and just tells them(for once) that he doesn't have the money for whatever their whim is at the moment. Guarantee the BM's will find a way to pay for it somehow if it is THAT important.. he is just their easy way out. It's so funny too what you said about your BF's son can do no wrong... my hubby and his daughter are not super close, but his son is like God.. I call him Little Precious and his BM is Miss Precious... I know I probably sound like a jerk.. but just venting and it is how I feel. UGH!

Lovepets's picture

Forever2 you took the words out of my mouth and I am petrified. "In truth, I started drinking a lot at home to be able to relax around him. It really is like having a stranger in your house with the huge pressure that if SS isn't happy with you, BF isn't happy with you either."

My FDH has the same feelings for FutureSD7 and no, she is not perfect at all. He and I just got into a fight last night because after she had exhausted him during his weekend with her (I was lucky and in Cabo Friday-Sun for a bachelorette party) and it was Monday (our date night). What does he do? He falls asleep from 6-9 :jawdrop: so I had a friend over and we had a bottle of wine. Well I told FDH that unless he gets her and her psychoBM in control, he needs to consider going to EOW. Of course he did not like this, but at least his first reason was "then I have to pay Craziness more." I have 11 years before she is out and I am wondering if I need to disengage now or continue to try? Thanks for letting me know I am not alone in all this.

notsurewhattodo's picture

I have it a little better than you....and I use the term better loosely. We have visitation every other week and I can get mentally prepared. It usually doesn't help much, but at least I know the }:) is on her way!

Tx mommy of 3's picture

Yep. I have a ss12 Whi visits eow and extended stays in summer. Dh and I also have 3 of our own. When ss is there I feel like a stranger too. Luckily I have 3 kids to occupy my time as well as I k ow when ss is coming. But it still is uncomfortable. It's almost like if I'M comfortable in my house then ss will be uncomfortable and if he IS comfortable then i'mnot. So someone always loses. I have a baby that I breastfeed. When he's there I have to retreat to my room and feed her there like every 3 hours. It can be a good thing but then I miss what goes on with the kids in the house. I also can't watch tv in the livingroom while I do laundry. The baby shares a room with us so when she is asleep in our room I am stuck with no place to go. (3 bedroom home- biokids have their own room, ss takes over livingroom.) DH is on my side though. Bm has always tried to keep ss awayfrom him plus ss never wanted to come and now that they just went to court she can't keep him away. So his feeling is he should've come the last few years then he wouldn't be uncomfortable here. Weekend visits aren't bad since dh is off. It's justbeen hard this summer.

DaizyDuke's picture

we also have a small house so when SS and or SD are here they take over the living room and I feel like I have no place to go with by 7 month old other than our bedroom (where my hubby is usally sleeping) or outside and there are only so many things I can do with 7 month old to keep him occupied for an extended period of time outside. And don't even get me started on what happens when the weather goes to crap! I am already dreading winter because then i am trapped in the house with no-where to go when Skids are there. Sad

winehead's picture

My SS is 24, and a nice enough young man although I had some real issues with him a couple of years ago. I overheard DH on the phone with him last Saturday saying, "why don't you come to our house tonight for dinner and maybe stay over?" I was upset that I wasn't even asked if I had any plans or if it was ok with me. I told DH that I certainly wouldn't have objected but I would like the courtesy of being asked. That's all, common courtesy.

It's your house too -- having some knowledge and control over who is there when is not unreasonable. It doesn't sound like you don't want the skids there at all, just that you want to know about it. Does your DH know that you feel he's being rude to you? If not, find a nonconfrontational way to tell him how you feel about it.

stepfaery's picture

Totally get you here. It's a pretty miserable feeling to feel almost hostage during "their" weekends. They take over the whole couch so either H or I don't have a place to sit while watching a movie or TV. Plus the tension just makes it miserable.

I like the idea of going to do your hobby or somethign that makes you happy while they are there. It's tough enough on everyone, might as well "treat" yourself or focus your energy otherwise. Now I just need to convince my H that it's ok for us all not to be together while they are there. Good luck and hang in there!

milknosugar's picture

It's the same at my house too. I used to try to engage but now I have stopped trying. I really relate to how ss10 and ss12 get up and leave the room when I come in. They used to like me until BM got so angry. I think maybe they feel that liking me will be disloyal to her.

If I offer them food - an apple or something like that - they always say no. Then 2 minutes later if DH offers it, they say yes.

So I stopped offering and just give it to them. We don't talk much. It's a strange and sad situation isn't it?

It's so good to know we are not alone in this. I think the advice here is the best!

Cheri's picture

I think were happier off alone than being with people with kids. Seriously whats the point when your always the bad guy no matter what you do and your always 2nd or 3rd best and made to feel like crap all the time and unwanted in your own home. The BM never helps either i think there worse than B Fathers.

butterfly's picture

Oh my god this is exactly how I have at times felt. Like an outsider in my own house. I have also engaged with the children and most of the time we get along and enjoy each others company but they have full run of the house they don't respect rules and never pick anything up and expect to be waited on hand and foot.

But now I join in if if I feel like it and don't when I don't so that I don't become resentful. Sometimes If I need quiet time I will read a book or stay home while my SO takes the kids to the park. I used to feel like I had to be around them with my fiancae when I wasn't working and I had a day off when they visited.

Mostly I work weekends so it isn't that bad for me If I know they are comming sometimes I make sure I'm working the only problem is that then sometimes I'm stuffed by time I get home and I have to help with baths, dinner, bedtime stories. Sometimes though I do go to pub for a quick beer or visit a friend on way home so that I can have some down time before having to get into it.

My fiancae dosn't expect me to help. But I used to feel left out and useless watching my fiancae struggle trying to do everything so now I help where i'm wanted wheather thats finishing tea off or helping with the kids. But if they want dad to read to both of them i don't mind because I can put my feet up. I find when I've been working that the kids enjoy spending alittle time with me as I'm a new face in the house and they have been with dad all day and we have our own rituals of activities we do together. This way there is no pressure on me or them as sometimes I can feel annoyed or frustrated that they get every thing they want because daddy feels bad or they are chucking tantrums because they want something or want to do something and at those times Is when i feel most uncomfortable in my own house. ( especially on a full day with them there)And sometimes when they are all having a ball together and I'm not included I can also feel distanced. But I'm glad mostly when they are here as my SO is happy and he is a terriffic dad! mostly he just tries to entertain the whole time which makes me pretty tired watching.

I to have the problem of never knowing when the kids are comming. We will have them every weekend than the bm will crack the shits and then we wont have them for three weeks. Than she will ring and say I want to go out if you wish to see your children that I raise on my own you will pick them up friday at 9 and drop them back sunday at 5.30pm or some such crap with out notice. and if we are not having them we also find out at the last minute usually after we have brought extra food for when they come.

Sorry for rammbling I just remembered how I feel still at times and how sometimes it was quiet overwhelming but I found leaving the hopuse and than comming back helps.

forever2's picture

One more word about personal hobbies, because this is really what saved me. My BF has joint custody and I have no kids so I felt like I spent half my time waiting my turn for a little attention in my own house. My BF reinforced my sad feelings with the attitute that the kid is only there half the time, and I am there all the time, so the kid comes first and whenever he isn't doing something with the kid, he can pay attention to me. (I flash back to the days when I tried to include myself, when we all went to the mall or grocery, BF and SS walking in front, holding hands and laughing while I walked 5 feet behind like the family dog, never again.) Me having all my free time to spend with BF and BF only noticing my presence when he couldn't be with his kid was getting ugly. It was too unbalanced. Anyway, I didn't really want to try new hobbies. I didn't want to do things alone. It was really a last resort before I moved out or moved on or fell into a hopeless depression. I had spent much of my life alone and now I had this guy that I wanted to do everything with....but he would rather be with his kid. I forced myself to try different classes. Some I liked and some I hated. It was uncomfortable at first to try totally new things and meet all new people. Now, a few of those classes have turned into genuine interests, and the new confidence that I feel permeates thru my life. I go to movies by myself when he has the kid. I don't feel one bit weird about it. I time movie night so the kid is in bed when I get home and I bypass the nightly spoiled brat, I don't want to go to bed, fit. I jog alone instead of not exercising when BF is busy with the kid...and you know what? Jogging alone is very very therapeutic and peaceful. The best part is the more I do alone and the more I don't NEED BF, the more he values me. Sometimes my art class is on kid night, but sometimes it is not, so what happens? BF sits alone at home and feels lost and sad and doesn't know what to do with himself. Welcome to my world?? Then he is so happy to see me when I come home. The other night when I came home from my class, he was waiting on the porch with a glass of wine for me! It is a slow process, but thanks to my new interests, I don't think he sees me as that person he takes for granted, who will always be waiting to entertain him when his first choice (the kid) is with BM. I am working toward BF realizing my value EVEN when the kid is in our house. Us steps deserve better, but I have learned that it is up to us to get the ball rolling.