Is this going to destroy my marraige?
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My DH has two childrene D12 S16 and we have a S4. We have been togetehr for 7 years and it has never got any easier witht he step children. I haev gone from wanting to include them to complelty resentign them and hating them coming. I knwo this is not healthy. We now have my SD here for a week and my DH and I have already had a blazing row because of the ex. I feel like I am just pushed to the side I know he resents me beign there when he has his kids as I know my attitude spoils the time, but this is because their attitude spoils my time!
I don't know what to do anymore.
Welcome to Steptalk. If you
Welcome to Steptalk. If you read the book "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin, it explains that it's generally down to the attitudes of the bio parents of the child, whether the step parent can make a reasonable relationship with him/her or not. So DH resents you being there, well excuse me, what are you supposed to do, disappear in a puff of blue smoke for the week? The bloody nerve! He should be enabling you and his children to get on together.
You might want to consider disengaging - there is some info on this: http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
Disengaging has helped many of us step parents to hold onto our sanity and our marriages.
Thanks for sharing that
Thanks for sharing that link...there was some amazing insight there!
Thank you I just feel at the
Thank you I just feel at the end of my tether and in all fairness we do not see much of the Stepkids and I know ny DH has made sacrifices on the time he sees them for our family, but it didin't have to be like that if the BM had not filled their head with nonsense about me we would have all got on together. My DH is in the army as well so it is not at though our family is togetehr every day either. I do feel if I went up in a puff of smoke whilst he saw his kids he woudl be happy adn them!
Totally understand. My DH and
Totally understand. My DH and I have been together 6 years and I thought that the "adjustment" phase would be over by now..I don't think it ever is. I truly feel like the BM/SD situation is the only thing that really could break my husband and I up. It is so stressful and I really wouldn't wish it on anyone. I would clearly advise single women to look for a man WITHOUT children.
Funny how everyone tends to
Funny how everyone tends to bash the SM because she "should have known it was a package deal" -- yet those same people are curiously quiet when it comes to a situation like this -- your DH RESENTING your presence?
My DH used to act like this, and this is how I put it: YOU pursued ME. YOU were the one wanting a relationship. I'm very serious about my wedding vows (forsaking all others...) and do understand that he wants to spend time with his SK's, but it will NEVER be to the demise of our relationship. HE knew if he brought me into this, and I came willingly, that he had an obligation to ME - HIS WIFE as well as his children. If he didn't want to be held to that obligation, he should have stayed single.
And p.s. I'm not the happiest person around when SK's are here either. They have always made it clear they do not like me, and they also RESENT my presence. In the beginning I tried very hard to make it work because I love my DH. But his kids were old enough to make the choice of thumbs up or thumbs down. And I received a unanimous "thumbs down" from them. At the time I asked him if he was willing to deal with this discourse for the rest of his natural-born life, because if he wasn't I'd understand. But if he made the choice to stick it out, by god I wouldn't be pushed to the side.
Six years later, it's still no better with the SK's. But at least my DH understands my feelings, and also understands that there's nothing he's going to be able to do to change the minds of his children. Yes, he's stuck in the middle. He chose that, and he had the option not to. I've pretty much disengaged from the SK's, so it doesn't matter whether they like me or not. My main priorities are my DH and my two children.
Yes that is how I feel I knew
Yes that is how I feel I knew my DHhad children I knew it wasn't going to be easy especially when he is in the army and we don't leave around the corner, but I did think I would be accepted after 7 years.
My DH is not a bad person he just has guilt that he isn't there for his children and that means when they visit anything goes, but it can't be like that especially when we have our DS watchign and listening we have rules and they all have to abide by them. I am not a wicked stepmother like the fairy stories portray, but perhaps if I was I'd get a bit more respect!
Well, I do not believe in
Well, I do not believe in anything goes. So that would be hard for me to swallow. Lucky for me that my DH believes that rules and schedules are a good thing for children. I would have thought your DH being in military would have a more regimented way of raising children and not allowing a anything goes mentality.
Have you and DH thought about counseling?
Would it bother you much if
Would it bother you much if you did just do your own thing while SK's are at your house? How much time are we talking about out of 52 weeks a year? I do not say this as if you are to blame, but if you doing what you will whilst DH children are around isnt really that bad. Once you get it in your head that the little time DH's kids are with him doesn't add up to much when you and BS have him all the time.
I enjoy the time I have with BS away from DH and SD but then there are times DH, SD and BS go do things on their own and then there are times that we go as a family. I think it didn't really start to click until I stepped back and saw that I was trying to control every aspect of all our lives and that cannot happen.
You can only control you and your happiness...so if DH wants time with just him and his children then so be it. They are almost grown anyway and you will waste more of your life and life of BS trying to make SK and DH want you around.
Have strength and believe that SK pushing you away really doesn't matter...it is their loss and one day when they are grown...there will be just you, DH and BS...then what will your lives be like if you spent all the time in between trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole?
No it doesn't bother me I now
No it doesn't bother me I now make sure I do my own thing when SK's are around as if not it entails BM stating they had no one to one time with their dad! I do not let them do "family" things with my BS as they have wished him dead (recently as well) adn I do not trust them around him without supervision. My SS had to have counselling to enable him to "mix" with other children as his BM had messed around wiht his head so much after the divorce.
I know exactly what you are saying and it would be lovely to disengage but when they are rude in my own home I find it hard, but nt DH is aware of this more and is making them aware if they don't like the situation they don't need to come. I just always feel that the BM clicks her fingers and he runs - but my "sensible" head does tell me this is not for many weeks each year so I do know what you are saying, it is just easier said than done when you are hurt.
I wouldnt allow BS to go with
I wouldnt allow BS to go with them either...no way! You are a smart woman for holding him back from outing with DH and SK's.
I made it very clear to my DH that how SD treats him is his business but when it comes to me I will not tolerate the hateful or smart comments from SD and we do not have a problem there. So the rude behavior would be not be tolerated for very long and DH would either fix it or find another place to live. Easier said than done I know.
Your situation is so stressful I am sure...maybe if you have somewhere to take off to when SK's visit and maybe DH will realize just what little beasties he is raising when you are not there to pin the blame on.
Try to only pin point to DH what affect you and BS and just let everything else slide. That way you can address DH by saying something like "DH, this issue is directly impacting my or BS life and I expect you to correct it and if you will not correct it, I will"... you are not picking or making blame but being specific and if he does not take care of the issue then perhaps you are wasting your time my dear. You are not asking him to pick between you and his children but you are asking that he take responsibility for his children rude behavior and lack of common sense! They are not babies and know full well what they are doing to your home.
Yes he does believe in
Yes he does believe in schedules etc but feels guilty applying to his children as does not see them enough. :0/
Just wanted to say after
Just wanted to say after being able to express my feelings on here yesterday I then felt I could talk to my DH last night and feel so much better now. DH does support me 100% and at the minute SD has not been an issue (as I have been at work lol!). I think I did take slight pleasure in the fact they had been out and had a lovely day but my DH said she had been a complete nightmare all day with a long face and he said talking to her was like pulling teeth! She certainly is her mothers daughter and it made me realise it is not me with the problem its her!
Thanks again
It's good to know that
It's good to know that posting on here helped you. I know it has helped me from going over the edge a few times!
Yes I think because I vented
Yes I think because I vented it all on here was actually better able to express my feeligns to DH and that meant didnt result in argument :0)