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Crazy MIL

futurestepmom95670's picture

So, as if summer vacation w the skid isn’t enough, my FMIL has taken it upon herself to start stuff Bc I get along with her estranged husband. Long story, but 14 years ago he started fooling around with the bookkeeper, he ended up actually dating her for 14 years and never divorced FMIL. Now father and bookkeeper split and FMIL has some new found hope her husband will come back to her (very religious woman), and since that’s not happening she’s more miserable than ever. 

If FDH doesn’t answer her complaining, negative, passive aggressive texts, she’ll text me. It’s annoying and rude. I wasn’t around 14 years ago when it all happened, FDHs father has been nothing but kind, generous, and welcoming to me. I’ve also been overly nice and tried to get along well with FMIL, despite her controlling attitude and how she totally hijacked Christmas. So this is kindve blind siding me that all of the sudden I’m in the middle of this. 

Thursday night I went over to her house for dinner and helped in the yard with FDH. When I went to say goodbye to her she absolutely chewed into me about how I “could be friends with a man who has been so awful to her.” I replied, “I’m not choosing sides, I like you both.” This sent her into more of a tailspin. We left, and I was upset. I told FDH that next time I see her I expect an apology. 

well, today FDH gets a text from her very passive aggressive, “thought you were going to come by today and help me in the yard, guess you don’t care about your mother. Your current girlfriend made it clear that her loyalty is divided, I’m guessing the same for you?” I’m annoyed that 1. I’m being thrown in the middle of this 2. The CURRENT girlfriend comment, I’m his future wife, not the current gf like there’s going to be a next one and 3. He should have immediately jumped down her throat to defend me. 

Tips for dealing with FMIL that’s fully gone off her rocker?? 

Kes's picture

I don't really have any tips, except to have good boundaries and don't be putting up with her sh!t.  You could always go no contact, which is what I've had to do with my crazy MIL.    Like yours, she saw fit to tell me and DH how to behave, which is rich considering she's only 15 yrs older than me. Nobody does that to me, full stop.  

momjeans's picture

Kes, my MIL is only 15 years older than me, too. I think it has a lot to do with her disillusion that she’s on my level and can power trip me. 

She’s not and she can’t. 

Flying.Purple.Step.Monster's picture

I have a toxic MIL as well.  I have disengaged from her completely.  I don't have time in my life for people that make me miserable.  

momjeans's picture

Tips for dealing with FMIL that’s fully gone off her rocker?? 

My tip is you DON’T deal with her. 

Life has many layers and chapters, just because you happened to walk into their life, and someone’s marital dysfunction, on chapter 15 doesn’t mean you need to play clean-up crew, or picks sides. The only person you owe loyalty to is your fiancé. Not his mom. Not his dad. 

If remaining neutral isn’t good enough for your FMIL, then perhaps you should limit your contact down to the bare minimum. Don’t respond to her texts, unless it’s an emergency (and no, having her yard done is not an emergency). Just nod and smile and remove yourself from her tantrums when she goes off. 

Trust me. There’s is nothing you can positively gain from allowing yourself to be pulled into this trifecta of BS. Engaging in this drama will not be a measure of your love and loyalty, and if your FDH makes you feel that way, turn and run, because it already sounds like he and mommy have a bit of a codependent relationship. 

futurestepmom95670's picture

She has continued on through the entire weekend. She’s like a drama ridden teenager all of the sudden. Her mother, who she is inseparable from, is lying to her about the family fortune. Her brother isn’t speaking to her Bc he’s trying to secure the family fortune before grandma dies. And her husband isn’t coming back to her Bc she sucks as a person, not Bc he fell for another woman. I realize it’s all a lot to deal with, but I don’t know why I’m being dragged into this. FDH is waiting until today to talk to her, we’ll see how that goes. It might do everyone some good to have her out of our lives for a bit.


last night she texted “do you feel like things are coming to a head?” At like 11:30, she’s never up at 11:30. At the bottom she said “this message intended for [FDH],” Bc she knows I see his texts. Super passive aggressive and it’s so annoying. But coming to a head? Yes maybe for her, but not for anyone else, stop trying to drag everyone into your high school drama. 

momjeans's picture

What a mess.

People drag others into their personal drama because they need people to stoke their crazy. It’s validation.

I wouldn’t engage with her, if I were you. I’d probably block her. Cut her source off with you. You aren’t her child. You’re not even her DIL, yet...

If she and other family members make no effort at keeping this crap amongst themselves, just imagine how it’s going to be years into your marriage. This is a lot of family drama baggage your FDH has, on top of step drama, too, I assume? 

futurestepmom95670's picture

Step kid drama? For sure. My family is pretty drama ridden, but they don't pull others into it. My brother and dad haven't spoken in 15 years over my dad not buying him a house. I think it's stupid, and I've tried to help mend the relationship, but neither makes me choose sides, or faults me for having a relationship with the other. I'm a child of divorce, and my mom's side is an absolutely disaster, but I've made it a point to distance myself from them and stay out of their drama too. But neither side purposely pulls me into their drama, or maybe I just don't let them? I'm certainly not letting my FMIL pull me into hers either! 

notasm3's picture

she absolutely chewed into me about how I “could be friends with a man who has been so awful to her.” 

Ask her how you are supposed to be friends with a woman who chews you out and treats you horribly.  Which your FIL does not do.

futurestepmom95670's picture

Haha great idea, found this one about choosing sides:  Timothy 5:21 I solemnly command you in the presence of God and Christ Jesus and the highest angels to obey these instructions without taking sides or showing favoritism to anyone.