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Baseball Game

futurestepmom95670's picture

What a mess of a weekend! We went to a baseball game, it was my idea, I thought FSD7 would enjoy it, and we could all hang out as a "family." FDH has been super busy with work for the last week, so I realize if I want to spend time with him it likely has to be with FSD7. Normally I just do my own thing and let them have Father/Daughter time. What I didn't realize is that baseball is often really boring for little girls, my bad. She also ran around all day swimming and what not, so she was tired and it was a late night for her. She was disappointed I think because I was there, and we weren't going to the fair like she thought (FDH couldn't get tickets), so she threw a temper tantrum and pouted, which bothered me a bit because of the effort I was putting in, but I realize she's just a kid. 

FDH kept walking ahead of me and holding her hand, and left me in the back feeling left out. FSD7 also kept purposely walking on the side of her dad I was on, so he couldn't walk by me. They also left me alone for like 45 minutes to go participate in different activities, and didn't invite me to come along, and I expressed to my FDH that I don't appreciate being left alone for so long, we're all there together. Mind you, I planned this for all of us to be together, bought tickets, and tried to have a good time. I asked him quietly to stop making me feel like the third wheel, and I understand him having to hold her hand to cross the street and in crowds, but it is not necessary to hold hands and cuddle up to each other all day. It started making me feel rather uncomfortable and left out. He said he would stop, and did it again, almost immediately. While I was trying to keep my feelings from FSD7, FDH yelled out loud "what, do you not want me to hold my daughter's hand at all??" So instantly she got really awkward, but he did stop holding her hand and started holding mine. 

Well, now FDH has a voicemail from FMIL saying "We need to talk, alone without your girlfriend, about the way you treated FSD7 last night, and that you brought THAT woman along." I've never been anything but nice to FSD7 (to her face, I generally don't care for her attiude at all), and I feel like she went to FMIL to pout because she didn't get her way. Not to mention, I wasn't trying to barge in on their time, or cause problems, I quietly tried to tell FDH how I was feeling. I feel the negativity from FMIL towards me is unwarranted, and she's so consumed with catering to everything FSD7 wants. 

FMIL does this constantly. At Christmas, the older cousins didn't want to play with FSD7 because she's mean and bossy and wouldn't comprimise on what to play, and FMIL went and made the other kids play with her. She lets her crawl all over her every chance she gets, sleep in her bed, hold hands everywhere, lets her not say please and thank you, lets her demand she do things for her and with her, and lets FSD7 boss her around. Just because FDH is working on stopping these things, doesn't mean he's "treating her" like anything, it will only benefit her to be more independent and confident. And certainly the negativity toward me is not justified. This is not an easy situation, not a situation she even wants to begin to understand, and I think she feels like she doesn't have control over her son like she used to, and is taking it out on me. She is super passive aggressive with everyone, and she knows what she says will get back to me, so I think she is using her grandchild to try to regain control over her son. It's ultra annoying, but luckily he doesn't really like her much, he frequently says that if FMIL wasn't helping so much by watching FSD7 during the days for the summer he probably wouldn't talk to her at all, and he's told me that his mom is crazy and never happy, so when she's mad it doesn't bother him. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt my feelings and frustrate me, but it is what it is. 

Luckily, FMIL watched FSD7 on Sunday so FDH could go to my family BBQ for my bday without her, and FSD7 got to have a fun day with Grandma, so it ended on a positive note! 

futurobrillante99's picture

You are in for a rough ride, my dear. Do you live with your FDH? If not, the best advice I can give is that UNTIL your FDH is ready to seat you on the queenly throne of his heart and home, do NOT move in with him. You have a fairy tale nightmare in the works where you are Cinderella and your SD and MIL are wicked characters. In their eyes, you are merely there to do the chores and serve. You are not worthy of respect or inclusion. They can't let you steal away their Prince Charming.

The problem you have is with you future DH. He doesn't seem to realize the place a WIFE is supposed to hold in his heart and his home. You and your future marriage should be his #1 priority after meeting SDs basic (BASIC) needs. What SD wants come AFTER what you want....because you are not Cinderella. You are the queen!!

Don't think that a wedding is going to change how he treats you. He needs to show you NOW how he will treat you as his wife.

futurestepmom95670's picture

Oh, for sure! I've refused to live with her or even stay in the same home until he completely turns her behavior around. Even at the baseball game, she expressed how unappreciative she was to be there, because she's already been to FIVE games. Total unappreciative little brat, I tell ya. I guess we'll see if FDH sticks up for me to his mom. 

futurobrillante99's picture

Okay - so here's my Cliff Notes version of my experience.

  1. Meet guy 4 years ago - fall hard. OMG - the sex is amazing! We're so in love!!
  2. 5 months later - buy a house together as our future home and so he'll save $ on the mortgage payment - more $ for us!! Everything is wonderful!!
  3. Edited to just take out all the back and forth - it's exhausting and writing it all down just seemed to breathe new life into it. Terrible

**Suffice to say the dumbest thing I did was buy a house with 5-month boyfriend***

Don't be like me. Don't learn the hard way. If you want the man, just date the man until the SD is gone. Set down some boundaries that make it clear to him you're not going to play "Fantasy Happy Family." You love him. You want him. So when SD is gone, spend time with your man. 

Don't get married.

MurphysLaw's picture

Dear FutureStepMom,

A frank question, how badly do you want to get married?

I’m going to venture a guess... 

Pretty badly, huh?

In that case, here is my advice.

1. Learn to keep your mouth shut.

2. Learn your place!

You are not number 1 to your “Future” DH, nor are you 2nd or even 3rd, you will NEVER BE, SO STOP ACTING LIKE YOU ARE. It’s annoying to his child & his Mother (Number 1 & 2).

3. Learn to acquire the taste for hard liquor. Wine is fine but Whiskey is quicker.

4. Learn the meaning of & how to master the art of disengagement. 

That is all. Good Luck & you’re Most Welcome.

caitlinj's picture

I really hope you are being sarcastic. Encouraging anyone to disengage regularly or become an alcholic is awful and unhealthy. What you are doing is saying that she has to become a complete doormat in order to marry this man. No one should be a doormat to anyone and his child should not come first (after the childs basic needs are met of course) meaning if his wife wants to watch something on tv, she should get to pick not the kid, or go somewhere for dinner, she should pick, not his kid, if his wife wants to sit somewhere, including beside him, she should and his child shouldnt be allowed to interfere nor control those situations. As long as the child is having their needs met the kid needs to understand he or she is not an adult and needs to respect that and needs to show some respect for adults. No kid should be running the household. And for his mother she should not be coming first under any circumstances. I'm tired of mother in laws trying to control their adult kids lives and its really tragic how they are allowed to do this. He needs to set major boundaries with his mother pronto.

futurobrillante99's picture

It's satire - MurphysLaw is telling her what she should prepare for if she is TOO EAGER to marry this guy.

icanteven's picture

I think your stepdaughter and my stepson should meet. Maybe their awful traits would cancel each other out, a bit like multiplying negative with negative. They sound similar. I have had days like this also. I especially remember the kid walking between me and his father. He would mostly run circles around his father, almost like a squirrel in the park chasing another squirrel. That is what it looked like. I would become annoyed with this often. Once, in a shop, I told my husband, "Please can he stay out from between us? I know he did that with you and your ex, but I want to walk next to you. He needs to stay on the other side." My husband was angry about that. He said I needed to stop picking on his son.

Spoiled stepkids are the worst. I sometimes take my kids, husband, and stepson somewhere, and my kids usually love it. Sometimes they don't, but often, they do. Stepson is always surly, never smiles, always acts like everything is bad (he is similar age to your stepdaughter). My husband reacts to this by saying, "I know, boo boo, you went to Disney World ten times before you were 2. Nothing compares to Disney, does it?" Wow, I am very sorry I could not afford to fly us all to Disney World on a random weekend! It seems to me that he sets stepson up to expect huge things at all times, and when things are mostly just normal fun things, he encourages him to be disappointed. The "been there five times" kid is never fun. Nothing is ever good enough for that kid.

I am also concerned about the mother situation. Why is your SO's mother talking about you as "THAT WOMAN". I would be angry about this. Did you and she have some argument? This seems inappropriate of her. If she cannot respect that you are a decent person with sound judgment, then she will make trouble for you. You are right never to move in with your SO until he gets this situation under control.

Merry's picture

Holding hands with a 7 year old turns into holding hands with a 37 year old. It doesn't get better.

Survivingstephell's picture

You are "that woman" and he acutally did this?   FDH yelled out loud "what, do you not want me to hold my daughter's hand at all??" So instantly she got really awkward, but he did stop holding her hand and started holding mine. 

You have a bunch of immature people on your hands and you would be better served to keep that toxic shit away from you.  I can't believe he said/did that in public.  Makes you look insecure and was a dick move on his part.  

You paid for the day, did he make the brat thank you for it??  Did he?   

You derserve better.  

TheBrightSide's picture

When I was married to exDH, there were times when he would CARRY SD around in public until she was about 8.  

Ahhhh...so happy I'm out of that relationship.

 

simifan's picture

Wow. Your man really has no balls at all, does he? Momma's boy & Mini-wife. I'd run if I were you. You will never be more then third in his life. Is this the type of "Romance" you want?

marblefawn's picture

If I had a solution to the SD issue, I wouldn't be on this site. And my SD is 31, so good luck with that.

But the mother...that one's easy. He should not call her back, not discuss your relationship with her at all. In no uncertain terms, he needs to tell her to butt out. If he doesn't, I'd reconsider this whole thing.

You already have one problem woman in his life and you can't very well tell a 7-year-old to butt out. But if he let's his mom in on this action, I'd be out of there in a quick second! There is no excuse for that. If he doesn't know that, you won't be able to teach him. Run for the hills!

elkclan's picture

My BS11 held my hand up until about a year ago. My SS9 still holds my hand. I know very well that my days of holding hands with SS9 are nearly over. He's not even my kid. My partner doesn't get to see his kids that much. There just aren't so many more days that he will be able to hold SS9's hand in public or at home. I don't want to take that away from him. 

I don't know where you are in your relationship with FDH - but in the beginning the kids were a bit 'blech' about any PDAs between us and made sure to get in there to prevent it if they could. I just kept on keeping on. They've got used to it. Now when SS9 gets between us, it's because he wants to hold both our hands (and usually do the swing thing - but he's getting a bit big for that and I'm getting a bit old for it!)

As for unappreciative kids - well, if baseball isn't her thing (it's defo not mine!) then too bad - I expect no pouting, but I don't expect appreciation when I plan activities the kids don't much care for. Heck, part of my job is to drag them to things that they'll 'thank me for later' (or if not hopefully they can all 3 bitch and laugh about it later in life).  My BS11 is used to it - and SS12 and SS9 are learning. SS12 and SS9 aren't used to being dragged to art galleries and SS12 complains a bit. Don't care. He hasn't, in my opinion, done enough art as neither bio parent are into it and he has talent in this area so needs more visual inspiration - he can suck it up. 

Maxwell09's picture

You need to evalutate: how is his relationship with his mother? Is he a "mommy's boy"? Does he let her control his relationship with you, his daughter and him? Have your read up on the Mini-Wife that occurs when a father of a daughter (or sometimes mom of a boy) engage in a relationship that's dependent on one another similar to that of a two significant others and when a new partner comes along, the child will insert themselves where the partner should be to display dominance. Red flags are: sitting in dad's lap after appropriate age, physically placing themselves between parent and partner whenever they can, babytalk, and borderline flirting language. Most parents don't even realize they are engaging in this kind of behavior with their kid until their partner points it out so if you notice it, then you'll need to fight that battle as well. Then figure out if you have the same kind of parenting ideals. If you don't agree with how he handles the mini-wife or the over-intrusive MIL then you know this relationhip isn't going to work out. You can go on with the marriage if you want but know that it has an end-date attached to it if you can't truly agree on the fundamentals.