You are here

BM rant. Who knew there were so many deadbeat moms?!

Swan Dive's picture

I stayed home yesterday with my FSD7 who was sick with a 103 fever. Once my FDH came home I went to work. All night FSD7, FSD6, AND FSD3 coughed through the night. I work a majority of the time from home, but I told my FDH if one or more of them have to stay home to call their BM to pick them up (Tuesdays are her day to pick them up from school anyway). BM always throws a fit about moving her kids "SO FAR AWAY" ... we are about 30-45 minutes away... and he pays her CS for gas money, even though she only see's the kids about 5-8 hours a week, so I had a feeling this request might be a long shot.

Luckily this morning the younger two kids were clear of a fever, but the oldest one seemed a little more wilted than the day before. BM loves to remind FDH and I how she is their mother and she birthed them... whoopty f-ing doo... as i've read on here, there are a lot of people who realize birthing a child doesn't mean you are mothering them. So I told FDH to text her (because she will not and has not talked on the phone to FDH or I, she can say nastier things through text. She's not that bold in person) and tell her to pick up FSD7, so I could get some work done today. Surprisingly, she agreed to get her. But about a week ago she wigged out at me via email and told me not to talk to her and if *she* (keyword there) has any issues she'll email my FDH. I wiped my hands clean, and despite the 8 revisions of emails I had telling her off, I saved them all as drafts and felt it was for the best that I stay silent and she can be in the dark, since I know more about *her* kids than she does, and occasionally, I know more than my FDH does since I enroll them in after school activities and pick them up and drop them off 90% week to school.

BM comes to pick up FSD7 and I felt that she should know that FSD7 has had a 102-103 fever for over 24 hours and hasn't really budged even with fever reducing medicine. I talked to my FDH before hand and said if she reaches 104 BM should probably take her to a clinic to try and get it down, as it can cause internal damage. As soon as I send FSD out to her she is touching her forehead and "oh my baby" I let her know the fever temp and she totally disregards me... I didn't even get to the "clinic" part of it. She is so animate about not conversing with me, that she is willing to basically ignore vital sterile information to help her, help her kids. She does this shit all the time. Then when she wants me to do something for her and I actually can't, she posts all over FB how rude and a-hole people are for not trying to be helpful and how helpful she is to other people (basically anyone but us).

She forgot to pick up her youngest a couple weeks ago from preschool... on her day. So of course I had to drop everything to get her. I told her earlier that week she gets out early on Thursdays. But she didn't want to listen to a word from me, so instead, she left her daughter with no one to pick her up at school. She's been late picking up the oldest from school before too. I get a phone calls because she didn't show. ... Swan Dive to the rescue. She even said that to my FDH "Oh, stepmom to the rescue :-p" after I had to go pick FSD3 from school after she vomited everywhere.

I told my FDH that I am no longer going to correspond with her, so when the kids schedules change with after school activities, she's on her own figuring out why she's there 2 hours early and what part of the building to get her.

There is a meeting at a school for parenting next wednesday. My FDH asked if he should inform her. I said, "No, she has a 'to mom' folder at the school, if she doesn't read the information that was presented to her, that's her fault. Remember, she said if SHE had any issues, she'd contact you." They had one of these meetings last month, and FDH let her know because she didn't read the schools handouts. She got pissed because I went. She texted my FDH saying, "What was she going to show up and pretend like she's their parent?!" I said, "There is not one teacher at that school who doesn't know me. NONE of them would be surprised if I showed up and she didn't." In fact, when we got to the meeting, the teachers handed me the clipboard to sign in, not my FDH, not the BM... me.

I have read multiple times on here over and over about people feeling like they have taken on all this work as a step parent and don't or aren't allowed to be loved like a mom. Yet, it's expected of me to love and care for these kids. Sometimes I feel really resentful towards the kids, just because of the BM. I KNOW it's not their fault, but when they're chirping about "mommy this mommy that" and making her gifts and boasting about her, then comparing her to me, there's that snarky part of my brain that is like, "yeah well, your mom didn't pick you up the last 3 of her days, because she found things she considered more important. The 2 times she did pick you up, she dropped you off at someone elses house. So, if you're not happy you have to deal with me, you should be mad at her for leaving you with me." I'm feeling the guilt now in this rant. I never planned on being a mom. My FDH has supported everything I do and we make a good team, alone and with the kids. But, I just have a hard time ignoring the BM as I have to deal with her semi-frequently, and I can't even communicate basic information with her, such as the health of her kids, because she wants to be a self-centered B*tch.

It blows my mind how familiar people are with the term Deadbeat Dad, when there seems to be just as many Deadbeat Mothers.

bearcub25's picture

I had a teacher say something to me how the number of men having custody of their kids and the BMs don't interact with them much had jumped a huge percentage.

I got a little of the 'Golden BM' pissed off last week myself. SS bought his Mom one of those big VD cards and I got jack. I can't walk in the door from work and put my shit down w/o SS showing me all the JUNK BM and Grandpa got him (IOW, fished out of someones trash for him) and it's the coolest thing in the world.

Honestly when a BM that doesn't have time or custody for their kids posts shit of FB, I would just blast back something like this:

Since you only see your child x amount of hours per week and I see them X amount, you have no say in how to run my life.

Swan Dive's picture

LOL, yeah, I'm not friends with her on FB, she just posts things publicly when she has something to say about me or my FDH. I've written numerous responses to her and deleted them after talking to my FDH. He's pretty level headed and I get really worked up, he told me, "Before you send something, think about the purpose of it and what do you plan to achieve with it?" I told him "To get it off my chest. Maybe slap some reality into her and she can start taking responsibility for *her* kids" Then he pointed out that I'll get it off my chest, then she'll respond with something to piss me off or say something to the kids about me, and it's a vicious circle. So I've stopped cyber stalking her all together, and I blocked my FB profile so she can only see general information.

I joke around often about wishing BM would run away and sell oranges by the freeway. FDH and I watched We Bought A Zoo and during the part where the dad is explaining to the little girl about how he met their dead mother, I leaned over and said, "See how well adapted those kids are? They seem to be coping with the absents of their mother pretty well... I'm just saying." lol It's a lot easier to tell a kid, "Oh, I know you miss your mom, but she ran away." Opposed to "I don't know why your mom didn't pick you up. I guess she had something else to do today."

bearcub25's picture

I've come to the point I don't care if I piss BM off more. She has been hounding me about being friends of FB and SO. I finally just accepted after she had SD ask me if I would friend her.

It's easier with me b/c everyone knows she is a POS and deadbeat mom.

The skids didn't go to her house last weekend b/c she won't take them to their practices and games and with the season winding down, they had stuff all weekend. BM then post how much she will miss them blah, blah.

If she misses them so much, why won't she get a job, get her license back and help us out a little bit with the running every flipping day of the week.....NO, she is sick, she wants disibility, she is this or that.

Must be nice to have sweet little babies and then just turn them over to someone else to care for when they grow out of the cute stage.

Chefwit8's picture

I am very familiar with the term deadbeat. oldest BS 14 has a deadbeat two SS 10&12 still dont treat me the way I should be treated! Im NOT their mother...its,my fault im truly to blame...i jumped in the "mother" role a little to hard...think I loved them too hard...i even treated them a lil "better" per se to cover the lack of love, or whatever they were NOT recieving from their own mom...but im getting the worse SS tenfold!! Its depressing for me. My BF had to tell me the truth a couple yrs back & she was right on point...she said to my face "YOU ARE NOT THEIR, MOTHER! SHE IS! No matter what you do & what she does Not They will always love her more! You can not replace her." After that convo....i washed my hands......somewhat. But like I said their mom is the President of Deadbeat moms association. No gifts, barely calls on holidays, and/orbdays....not even a hey how u doing call....refuses to come to our home aftr driving frm Neworleans to GA to pick them up....she has my DH meet her places. She even claimed them.on her taxes in 2010!!! Shok we have custody of them since 2008!! I could go on &on....its a headache...these past couple of months have been to stressful...think this yr im going to "give in" & if she wants them back I dont think I will fight this year :/

Swan Dive's picture

The fact is, I told my FDH this as well, HE is my main priority. The kids, to me, come second. I didn't get in a relationships with him so I could have 3 kids that weren't mine and have a BM to deal with. I accumulated 3 kids because I think he is worth while, "the juice is worth the squeeze". I told the BM that too. In turn, I care about the kids, I take care of the kids, I don't think I love them like my own. I don't know if I ever will. I'm fairly structured and consistent with them, which has helped my FDH out a lot too. My FMIL says I have an advantage because most parents get blinded to things their kids do and don't see what they're doing right or wrong, and she thinks i'm helpful with FDH on keeping the kids normalized. The BM is the only inconsistency in their life.

When it comes down to the BM, I don't know why she is such a bitch to me. I didn't come around until after she left my FDH and got knocked up with another man's baby. Don't claim you don't want me to mother your kids when you're not doing it. If I have to deal with your kids day in and out, they are going to learn what is acceptable and what's not in my household. I do what I have to to maintain my own sanity. I do a lot of things with the kids. I take them places and introduce them to crafts, and let them help make cookies. Not because I want them to like me, but because keeping kids busy is a lot easier for me to tolerate than letting them run around screaming and breaking things. Kids need structure and to know what to expect and fact is, so do I. As long as these kids and I both are on the same page of what is expected of them and what is expected of me, we're cool. I don't want to be their mom. Their mom is their mom, their dad is their dad, their grandparents are their grandparents, aunts are aunts, etc... and Im their Swan Dive. Im another person in the family and another woman role model, but I'm not their mom. Im soooooo OK with that.

PeanutandSons's picture

I've got two over here...

Ss's bio mom lost custody of him at 2 yrs old due to neglect. Has every other weekend visitation that she hasn't used since 2007. She came for a 15 minute visit at our house in 2009 and told ss that she was coming to take him out to lunch the next weekend... And we haven't heard from her since. She changes jobs as soon as child support finds her.... And has been hauled into court twice for failure to pay and owes us upwards of 15 grand in back support. Oddly enough she messages Dh on fb last night saying she was coming by tonight to see ss (its his birthday today). But I'm not holding my breathe that she's coming.

Sd's biomom cheating on my Dh with his cousin 4 weeks after she was born. Moved out and started dating a child predator. Decided that shed rather send her infant daughter to go live with the grandma in another state than break up with the new boy toy. Grandma had enough of SD when she was 4 and she came to live with us. Biomom came for 5 visits with her at our house with the goal of eventually taking her everyother weekend. After her few visits she stopped coming at all. When child support found her a few months later she she fled the state and we haven't heard from her since. Her last contact with her daughter was a call on her bday in 2008 saying ill come see you next weekend with your present, what do you want mommy to buy you. She's currently about 9 grand in arrears on child support.

Swan Dive's picture

That's pretty messed up. BM doesn't pay child support. Ironically, my FDH pays her for the couple hours a week she sees them. He went to revoke it and she cried. She said she didn't have gas money to pick up the kids from school. Funny though, she has gas money to drive an hour to beauty school 3 days a week. He reduced what he was paying her to a minimum. She was mad about it.

Last week she offered to pick them up on a day she doesn't normally. I was curious why. She kept asking my FDH what time he'd be home. I figured out she was looking for her "Gas money." and had planned on picking up the kids and dropping them off at her parents house for the night. He denied her picking them up.

She should be paying child support, they live with us and she pays for NOTHING for them. She has joint custody and pays for NOTHING. And complains she doesn't see her kids enough, but then schedules school and work on her kids days.

On the flip side, im glad we don't have to chase her down for money. That's got to be frustrating.

planningMyEscape's picture

I have a deadbeat mom to deal with too, so I totally feel your pain. We got full custody of my s-kids about a month and a half ago. BM is a lazy piece of crap, IMO. When they are with her, they rarely do homework, don't change their clothes, don't shower, eat NOTHING but cereal and PB sandwiches. When it is her turn to pick them up from school she is late 90% of the time. After this happened multiple times, we finally just told her they'd ride the bus to our house and she could pick them up here (she lives in another town so they couldn't ride the bus to her house). She has been over an hour late more than once. When she does show up, she pretends like she isn't late.

Oh, and what is really infuriating, is the child support system is SO SLOW when it comes to lowering CS amount. We have the kids full time, we buy them absolutely everything they need, and yet she still is getting the same amount as she was before, when they were living with her. DH works full time, and I have 2 part-time jobs, so that we can pay her to sit on her a$$ and not work at all. Her husband does not work either. It is so infuriating. I hate laziness. There is no excuse for it.

the_stepmonster's picture

::Raises hand:: I got one right here. Ours has custody of the SD's for now but we are working on changing it. The kids never have new clothes unless we or their grandmother buy them, BM never has food in her house to the point where SD5's hip bones are starting to show, BM frequently gets so liquored up that she passes out with her children in the house, etc. But of course, she needs more CS. She already gets close to the max for the state of Texas and still can't manage to keep the electricity on in the house or feed her children. I don't even understand why she wants them so badly. On her weekends with them, she will gladly offer them up to either us or her parents. If neither one of us can take them she ends up getting so drunk that the kids are scared and we have to rush out in the middle of the night to pick them up anyway. She is such a waste of space.