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And Just Like That, THE BIRTHDAY WISH IS ALREADY OUT!

Dads_Wife's picture

So I posted yesterday about FSDstb14 telling FDH to use my car to go do things with her (this is a terrible summary I am just too anxious to get to this next part).

I will start by saying our finances are separate and will always be separate. We had the uncomfortable conversation about keeping things separate, having a house account and a vacation account and require each other to put 6% (matching companies) in our retirement accounts. Finance, thanks to you guys, is VERY worked out, even our will is because I want my money to go to my nieces and nephews. I have family money and I think that should stay in my family. It was a very uncomfortable conversation and took several attempts to come to an agreement, but we both have relief to know where we stand in all of that. Since I bought this house by mysef, FDH will have rights to live in it if I were to pass, but it would still go to someone on my side of the family. If we move and decide to buy a house together, well, we will get to that hurdle when we get there. I don't know why you all needed these details buttttt here we go.

So FSD texted FDH last night - "sorry to do this to you but my dream concert gwen stefani is coming and i want to go will you pay for it? momom (FMIL) said she would take me" FDH responded he was out and public and he would think about but would like to look into it first. Well FSD told FMIL 'dad said yes' and FMIL, who has access to one 'in case of emergency for FSD account (it has like $1500 in it)' goes ahead and buys the tickets, WHICH WERE ALMOST $300! ............. I literally don't even know what to type next. Like, WHAT? YOU DID WHAT? But wait, she didn't call and double check if FDH said yes. FDH calls her when we get home, to double check that she is actually willing to bring FSD and to make sure she knows what she is in for, only to find out that FMIL already bought the tickets. FDH was way more calm and collected than I would have been and basically said that she can't just go and use his money just because FSD said he said yes, that he hasn't yet said yes and that FMIL was stupid for taking the word of a 13 year old girl (lol). This is the worst part. FMIL not only doesn't admit she was wrong (she was, its pretty easy to see that) but she PLAYS THE VICTIM! Saying we should feel sorry for her because she has to take her, like what? We didn't ask you. You OFFERED HER! You didn't even tell us!

I can't people. This is a post for JNMIL man. Needless to say we will not be reimbursing that account and if FSD runs into issues and its over $1200, FMIL can foot that bill.

And before all of you say pull the right to that account - that account exsisted before FDH and I even met and also, I'm not going to argue access to $1500 - we both make decent money.

And the last thing, as you all know, FSD showed up for Christmas just to get her gifts and then left. Well she came back around not even a week ago and is already asking for some large gift. I wonder how long it will take for her to disappear again. I brought it up to FDH and it clearly struck a nerve. Sometimes we have to remember that, while we might be right, pointing it out isn't hurting FSD, its only hurting FDH. But I do like to take bets with you guys!

Comments

Winterglow's picture

I'm not sure how hard I('d be on FMIL because it sounds like she got played too. I'm wondering whether she had even heard of the concert at the time FSD told her father that FMIL had offered to take her. I'd wonder whether, when FSD went to tell her that her father said he'd pay, it wasn't the first she'd heard about it. I think your FSD cunningly played both sides to get what she wanted. 

Yes, FMIL should have checked with your dh before buying the tickets but I wouldn't lay all the blame at her door. OTOH, I would make damn sure FSD never tried that stunt again. I think reselling those tickets and not giving her a birthday gift at all this year should suffice. 

Dads_Wife's picture

Oh no FMIL knew the whole time. Please don't feel bad for her. When FDH called her she said, oh yes I know! I looked into it and I offered to take her. So FSD didn't con FMIL. FMIL has a history of, when she knows she's wrong, she playes the victim. It is so hard for her to just say, I'm sorry you are right I should have checked in. While I know we should sell the tickets, I know FDH won't. Its so sad to watch this train wreck because, while he thinks he is keeping a relationship with FSD, he is only teaching her its okay to treat him like an ATM. When he got his panties in a wod when I said something last night I said, listen, its your daughter and your money, but just know this train wreck can be hard to watch, and I left it at that. In my eyes, if he continues to do this, he is only taking money from his own hobbies to give to her, which I am fine with. Whether he spends it on himself or her doesn't affect my life directly. All accounts are set up on direct deposit and we both work for the same company (my family owns it) so if he goes to change any kind of deposit information and try to short shared accounts, I will be the first to know since I manage payroll.

Monkeysee's picture

I agree with Winterglow. A parent should never have to buy a child’s love, under any circumstance. I’d be selling the tickets & putting SD in her place if she was my kid.

I’m glad your FDH stood up to his mother, hopefully he takes the same attitude with his kid. She’s old enough at 13 to know what she’s doing & being her atm is never going to earn him any respect with her. If she doesn’t want to come around, why on earth should she get presents? 

Dads_Wife's picture

I 100% agree with you guys, but FDH won't. I wish I could get him to see he is apart of this problem too. He is TEACHING her this behavior is okay. Everything else about him is amazing. He just has this one trait about him, but its not just with FSD. His forgiveness factor is 100000X more than mine. When FMIL said she would sell his house and return the commission (all verbal, not written) and then she suddenly decided to keep it, she played the victim then and he forgave her probably within a week. This works in my benefit too because when I screw up, he has a big heart and is very quick to forgive me too, when if the shoe was on the other foot he would be paying for it for months. He just has this wonderful heart, but it also can be an enabling heart. With the good comes the bad I guess.

tog redux's picture

I think you are very wise. His relationship with FSD, honestly, is none of your business if he isn't using your money to fund this stuff.  You can give advice and make observations, but in the end, he has to decide how to manage this relationship.  It's easy for all of us to say what he should do, but imagine if it was your biological child who was distancing herself from you and you felt helpless to stop it.

My SS19 was alienated from DH for over 3 years, from 15-18, zero to very little contact during that entire time.  My DH has never tried to buy his love, but now that he's come back around, I see DH trying to maintain a relationship with SS, who I think treats DH like dirt much of the time.  He doesn't exactly chase him, but he keeps trying even when SS disappoints him, cancels on him, etc.

I have told DH it's hard for me to see, I'm angry at SS and I don't want to see him because I'm afraid I'll say something honest to SS about it.  But in the end, this is DH's son, and he won't give up on him, at least not yet.  So I try to just stay out of it, give advice when asked for it, and be supportive otherwise.

Dads_Wife's picture

I learned a lot from this website. I used to 'care' a lot more about things, but I learned from both experience and you all that I'm actually doing more damage than good. I am sure I have contributed to some of the reasons FSD has gone no contact, not intentionally obviously but with my over the top personality of wanting to help and be apart of things and FDH want for everyone to get along, I think we both contributed in a way. I am not saying that we started this though. It has been pretty clear from day one that FSD has wanted me gone and I think me trying and trying made her want me gone even more. After talking to a therapist and reading many blogs, I've slowly just stepped away from the situation, or at least tried. I actively try not to think about things and try not to get all WTF when FDH makes a stupid decision regarding her. They still hardly talk. He considers communication one text and when she responds with two words, which is sad. She only communicates when she wants something and he may or may not ever learn that. Its just unforunate because he is teaching her this is ok for all relationships and she will struggle to maintain any normal friendship/relationship. She already has and she's only 14. I know teens are all drama but when a 7 year old can't maintain any friendships and comes home saying, oh I hate her now blah blah blah, I think its a redflag in parenting and her surrounding environment (BM is a very negative person - she doesn't say nice things about anyone) but what do I know.

tog redux's picture

When my SS was totally alienated, DH would sometimes get nasty and hostile texts from him. That, for him, was better than the silence and hearing nothing.  I much preferred the silence, myself!  But not hearing AT ALL from his kid made him feel awful and hopeless.  My DH is a tough man - he didn't take SS's or BM's abuse lying down.  He continued to parent even as his son was being alienated.  But losing your child is an awful experience.

Many women on here, I think, get so resentful of their husband's crap parenting or enabling or chasing of the skids that it becomes impossible for them to support their DH anymore, and the focus becomes on protecting themselves. I won't stay in my marriage if it gets to that point.  We've survived this stephell because we have a strong relationship and DH puts me first. He is sad that his baggage has affected me and wants to protect me from it.

That means I have to be supportive and deal with my feelings about SS in a mature way, and let DH handle his relationship with his son as he sees fit, as long as it doesn't have a negative impact on my life, directly.

Your FSD is an alienated child. She's not just a spoiled brat, she's been given power by her mother, and has been allowed to believe she is on the same level as your husband.  Yes, she's 14, but she's part of a dysfunctional family dynamic and playing her part.  It's not all her fault.

Dads_Wife's picture

Oh I know. It makes me sad to be honest. She is a very smart girl surrounded by all THE WORST influences. Even FMIL sometimes. Every female invovled in her life has always underminded FDH. She learned from them, no surprise there. Its sad because FDH is technically a father, but he has never really had the opportunity to be her father. Every time he has tried, she just runs home to mom or runs to momom. She learned how to triangulate at a very young age because everyone around her allowed it. I am so happy I didn't meet him sooner because watching a 7 year old run everything would have been a deal breaker for me. When I came into the picture, FDH had already been setting boundaries in place with FSD so this transition had already begun. Its sad because you see these kids with SO MUCH potential just being nutured in the worst possible way ever. When I hear FSD talk, its like listening to her mother talk. Everything is so negative, she's no longer friends with this person because she did this, this person did this what an idiot. I don't think I've ever really heard her compliment anyone. Her self esteem is so so low just like her mothers. Her mother is truly a sad soul.

tog redux's picture

Yes, my SS19 is just like his mother, it's one of the reasons I want nothing to do with him.  He blames everyone else for his problems, he lies, he cheats, he manipulates, he bullies, he's phony nice and polite - just like her.  He really has no sense of himself, he's completely enmeshed with her. Now, if he ever figures it out and finds himself, and becomes a decent person, I'd forgive him in a minute.

But for now, I want nothing to do with him.  DH understands that. He doesn't deny who his son is, or tell me I hate his kid, or try to guilt me into having a relationship with SS. And I understand that this is his son, and he has an unconditional love for him, that honestly, is impressive.  I tell him all the time that SS is lucky to have DH for a father, some men might have given up long ago.

Dads_Wife's picture

I am going to take that line because I whole heartedly agree about my FDH. The ringer that he endured for YEARS from BM, even my own father (who is the best, love him) says he's not sure he could have done all that FDH did. And even after when FSD has been actively trying to kick him out of her life, he has continually stuck around for the beating. Most men wouldn't have stuck around for the first half of this mess and he did and still does. So instead of telling him his daughter is going to ditch him again (which obviously does  nothing but hurt his feelings) I'm going to start saying she is lucky to have you because a lot of people couldn't handle what you are handling.

 

Thank you so much for this! I think it may be a bit of a game changer.

tog redux's picture

My DH always says, "Why don't you tell him that?" lol. 

I let him know I'm afraid I WILL say that, which is why I don't want to see SS right now.  It's hard to watch someone you love be mistreated, especially by his own child.  But I really admire what a strong person DH is, and how much he loves his son.  I do hope SS realizes someday all that DH went through FOR HIM. 

twoviewpoints's picture

As a grandmother, and with a kid having a birthday coming up, I'm the grandma who would either take the kid and pay for all tickets (or bribe my sister to do it and pay for her and grandkids tickets plus money for dinner et.) 

It would never occur to me to make the kid pay for her own ticket if I had offered to tae the kid. It would never occur to me to help myself to kid's emergency account.Silly things such as tickets to an event,I'm sure,if not what Dad set the account up for nor gave Grandma access to).

But none of what I would do is what you asked.. but for the record, I hope FMIL has the time from h*ll at the event. And as Dad, I'd remind my mother she misused the account and I expect her to refund the account.That if she wants to take her granddaughter, great, fine, but I'm not paying for something I didn't pre-approve. Oh, and I'd take FMIL's name off the account. 

Sounds like you're going to have your hands full getting boundaries in place with your FMIL. 

Dads_Wife's picture

We will not be taking her name off the account and I'm not even really worked up over it. FMIL lives in the same area as FSD, which is why we have it set up. I don't have say over that account nor do I want say. I don't particularly care about it. And yes. Setting up boundaries with FMIL has been TERRRIBLE. Those on the reddit JNMIL have been super helpful. The worst part about her is she's mostly an ok MIL but when it comes to money or the precious only grandchild, she loses her mind and does some of the dumbest things. Thankfully another grandchild is coming into the mix (FDH brother) and I could not be so excited because I think FMIL will put more efforts toward that grandchild than FSD. Come on June!

thinkthrice's picture

Needs to get a babysitting job... then again maybe not doesn't sound like she's responsible at all