You are here

Surgery!

futurestepmom95670's picture

Probably TMI, I apologize in advance! Just venting...

So I've been battling abnormal cells on my cervix for years. I've defied the odds and the cells seem to survive multiple procedures, defied the odds of clearing up on their own, and defied the odds of progressing into a higher and higher grade of pre-cancer. I realize HPV causes this, it's an STD, but most sexually active invidivuals have it, and it goes away for most people. I keep having to pay for the sins of my past, I know this is my fault. 

However, I was told I'd have to have a more invasive procedure that they don't particularly like doing in women my age (30) because it is more likely to cause issues with fertility and labor and all that. But I have to do it, the other procedure has failed, twice now. I'm frustrated, tired, scared, and it's not like I WANT to be going through this. This is not a long-recovery surgery, but I do have to be put under and it's been suggested I have someone around for the first couple of days just to help and make sure I'm ok. I will be on narcotics, and anesthesia is rough for me. 

Just so happens their next and only available surgery date within the next few months is October 31, Halloween. DH has SD7 this year on Halloween per court order, and is basically demanding I push my surgery date back until Late November/Early December to accommodate Halloween. Really? Halloween is literally the least important holiday, in my opinion, and all the kid cares about is getting dressed up and getting candy. I certainly don't think this justifies pushing back a procedure, time that could ultimately lead to further spreading of the bad cells leading to more cervical tissue needing to be removed, and closer and closer to cancer (although they do say it takes 10-15 years normally for this to progress to full blown cancer, I've defied a lot of odds and statistics already so who knows). 

Yes, my father could take care of me, but it'd be nice to know that the man I plan to make my life partner would be there for me no matter what. I wouldn't ask him to postpone health related issues with his daughter for any reason. It's not fair to ask that of me. 

notasm3's picture

Dump him.  He will never be there for you.  I am old (70+) with some recent serious health issues that are not life threatening but that affect my mobility.   My DH is there for me 100% no matter how that inconveniences him (which is does a lot).   I hate what this does to my DH - but he always acts like this is no big deal.

theoldredhen's picture

Hey, notasm3,

I wrenched my arthritic knee while camping this AM and have been in pain since then. My DH, in addition to making dinner, has hovered all day. He’s helped me to the bathroom, brought me my pills, changed my ice pack numerous times etc. I have a small bell that I ring when I need anything and DH springs into action.

When I was hospitalized for joint replacement surgery a few years ago, my DH sat beside me from 8.00 in the morning until 10.00 P.M. at night, (private room) meeting nearly all of my needs. Including bedpan and nightgown changing duties.

My DH does these things for me because he loves me; I’d do exactly the same for him if he were in need. A husband that fails his wife when she is needy is not worth keeping.

susanm's picture

So, potential loss of additional cervical tissue and definite additional time to fret and worry over a surgical procedure for a spouse versus a couple hours for a kid in a costume getting candy that happens every year and the other parent can do.  Gee....I have NO IDEA how someone could possibly make such a difficult choice!

I suggest that you tell him to enjoy his time with his kid, that you don't need or want him with you, and have your father help you either at his home or in a nice hotel  And then give some serious thought about whether this guy actually meant the wedding vows or just went through the motions because that is what you are supposed to say.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

What a selfish jerk! You’re not a priority nor is your health problems! Dump that loser and his brat!

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

What a selfish jerk! You’re not a priority nor is your health problems! Dump that loser and his brat!

Chelsearg's picture

I’m sorry you have to go through that. Your partner is an inconsiderate prick and that is f***n aweful of him to expect you to postpone such an important thing. Even if you speak to him and sort it that is just down right shitty that he would suggest such a thing anyway. 

If I were you I would put my foot down and tell him how it is. If he’s can’t see how important this is you need to kick him to the curb. I mean what happens if god forbid things do get worse, is he going to support you and get you the help you need in a timely fashion or is he going to say oh sorry dear the kids got to go get some free candy from strangers it’s more important. This post has actually made me furious and I am not normally this opinionated. 

I was diagnosed with AS and spinal stenosis that was quiet advanced. Hubby ditched me to go fishing when I had to get my mri and then proceeded to go get drunk at stay out all night. I was only diagnosed because having OUR son made it flare and surface. I let rip, in fact I really threw my toys out and started to get the ball rolling for leaving. Luckily that was one hell of a lesson hubby has learnt. Don’t ever let anyone minimise and make your health something so little for something so stupid! I still have anger at hubby over his lack of support at the time despite him being amazing since. 

futurestepmom95670's picture

I'm sorry to hear you had to experience a lack of support from your SO. At least yours was over fishing, how am I supposed to possibly not resent FSD7 when my FDH is doing things like this? I realize it's him, not her, but it doesn't make me like the fact that she exists any more than I did. It's ridiculous. 

futurobrillante99's picture

Honey, he's a jerk.

Don't put it off and let your dad take care of you. Then let him know he's an ass but has given you a lot to think about. You're not sure you want to grow old with a "man" who will put trick or treating above your health and well being.

My stbX accepted a promotion late last year which left me handling almost 90% of the holidays.....while in pain for a herniated disc. He got busier at work with the new year and my pain increased. I told him when he got offered the job, that I would do my best to take on more of the load at home until things settled down at work.

Problem is doing the holidays on my own really did a number on my back, so the only way I could really help him was to not be a burden. I apologized for not being able to do more, but I didn't whine about my pain. Turns out he though I was overreacting and seemed really frustrated with me laying down with a heating pad or doing a lot of sitting.

I saw my doctors who recommended surgery to relieve pressure on my nerve that was causing pain. He thought it was too risky. The dr. said I had tried everything conservative and only surgery would help at that point. I even brought stbX to the appointment to hear it from the surgeon.

Anyway, my point is that stbX was preoccupied with his new job, but there I was living in a pretty dirty house, with one dirty bathroom, with 2 of his sons and my daughter. His sons are not considerate or quiet and I didn't want to return from surgery to a house where I couldn't watch TV in bed or had to use a dirty bathroom and with his sons (18 and 20) making a racket. So I told him I wanted to stay in a hotel the first 3 days. I wanted a bed to myself, a TV I could watch from bed, a clean bathroom (I didn't say that part), and the ability to be up at night without disturbing anyone. He got pissed - as if my need was a slight to him. He replied, well do you still need me to come with you on surgery day. I said OF COURSE, you're my husband and can make medical decisions for me.

So he was there that day and was pouty I was going to a hotel with my daughter taking care of me. (I mean, how could I impose on him when he was completely overwhelmed!!!!)

Things went from bad to worse after surgery (long story - have to read my blogs). I left our house with my daughter in mid March and bought my own house in April. He is currently divorcing me.

I can't grow old with a man I can't rely on to be there when I have health issues. There were other issues that didn't bode well for our longevity.

I'm sorry you're going through this, and I hope your procedure goes flawlessly and you go on to have healthy babies if that's what you want. Smile

Exjuliemccoy's picture

You've been on this site long enough to realize that there are big red flags flapping around this man, the way he (doesn't) parent, his overbearing, overly involved mother, etc. And now this.

This guy isnt even trying to fool you. He's showing you exactly who he is -  a weak and selfish mama's boy raising a spoilt, entitled daughter.. What you do with that is up to you.

futurestepmom95670's picture

I know Sad but it's easier said than done. I appreciate you and other posters for the continued support and kind words though, always. 

MidwestMrs's picture

What. A. JERK.

How some treat you when your sick/hurt speaks VOLUMES. 

Tell him to enjoy Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years with SD. Or alone. Damn.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

you are not paying for the sins of your past. Like you said, HPV is rampant and for all you know you got it from being in a long term relationship with someone. I've had a issues stemming from my somewhat wild past in the 80's and have learned how to come to terms with it.  It was in the past and I can't change anything now. Plus, that past that I have left behind.helped shape the woman I am today.

Second of all I agree that your DH is a jerk. Couldn't SD stay with her mother or grandparents to go trick-or-treating? Or could DH take her for a short period of time while you rest? How much time does he need to go trick-or-treating? I do realize it is the thought that he expects you to push the surgery back that is the real problem.

Do not push your surgery back. Experience tells me that anything involving abnormal cells should be taken care of as soon as possible.

futurestepmom95670's picture

Thank you, I will not be pushing this back, and I think I may finally be at my breaking point in this relationship. 

TheEvilStepmomStrikesBack's picture

Some honest advice from a fellow 30 year old. I love my husband and he gave me this greatest gift ever, but if I knew what I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t have married him.. just yet. Like your future husband seems to, he has/had some growing to do in being a husband and a parent and it’s caused me a great amount of pain and some resentment toward him. I’m not saying give up on your relationship (and I’m NOT saying stay either) but don’t go into a marriage with such big reg flags. Getting married is not going to magically change anything. I wish you the best on your surgery. 

Rags's picture

Do not push back your surgery.  This jerk is phenomenally disappointing and his request to push it back for Halloween makes him a write off IMHO.

Dont be surprised if your dad takes this asshole for  a talk behind the woodshed.  As a man, if I had a daughter dealing with this and her “partner” pulled this crap he and I would be having a woodshed “talk”.

My daughter and I would also be having a talk regarding her choice of characterless men.

As for HPV, I also received that “gift” from a college GF. 

Good luck with surgery,

Take care of you.