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For you SM's out there with adult Skids

msg1986's picture

Being that Easter is this weekend it has brought up a thought in my mind in regards to holiday parties... For those of you that have adult skids with their own homes and families how do you handle holidays? Do your skids invite you to their events even though BM will be there? Do you go?

Like most posts I do, let me give some history...FDH's parents divorced when he was around 5ish and from what FDH has decribed to me, FMIL was a lot like the nasty BM's you read about on here. FMIL had no boundaries, she refused to acknowledge FDH's SM and would call and scream at FDH's SM about how she'll never be a "mother" to her kids, PAS'd the crap out of the her kids. FSIL & FBIL now as adults HATE their SM and don't really acknowledge their half sisters who are like 11 and 13 b/c of their moms antics by telling them continually that their dad left them for this woman and started a new life w/o them. I've talked to FDH, FFIL and FDH"s SM about their situation and from what was said FDH is the only one the SM really liked b/c he was the only who respected her all the years being involved in their step dynamic. The reason this was even discussed w/ FDH/FFIL/FFIL wife is because when FMIL and I were still somewhat close, she seemed almost obsessed with FFIL and FDH's SM. She'd bash him non stop to me that it got to a point where I started to dislike him before I even met him, so after I met him and realized he wasn't a bad guy and the SM was one of the sweetest people i'd ever met I curious why FMIL she was still dwelling.

Anyway, now that everyone is all growed up (lol) we now have the issue of holidays. The first year I was with FDH, FMIL wouldn't ask us to attend anything, it was worded more so, "Dinners at 8, be here at 7 and bring this" and being that I was new I didn't want to rock the boat and went along with it, I didn't see my family for 1 holiday that first year FDH and I dated. Fast forward to now, FDH & I now own a home and we've been doing gatherings at our house b/c it's not just about FMIL, I have a lot of cousins and we all have crappy parents so we've always celebrated together because our parents don't do anything or they're too busy with their own lives. Well for the first few events we held at our home we didn't invite FFIL b/c FDH was afraid that his mom would get her feelings hurt because FFIL would come w/ his wife and 2 daughters. Well FFIL found out about the events and asked FDH why he was being excluded and FDH didn't know what to say. After talking about it, FDH & I decided that when we had events we were inviting everyone and if they came, they came, if not NBD. Well the first time we implemented this was Thanksgiving. FMIL showed up first w/ her husband and when FFIL showed up, FMILs husband was so angry that FFIL was there that he left and FMIL sat around looking miserable for about an hour and then left. FFIL and his wife socialized with everyone there & enjoyed themselves... which was really nice considering that at prior events where FFIL wasn't invited, FMIL and her husband would sit there and stare at everyone as though they had 2 heads and only really talked to me and FDH. Since we've come up with the 'invite everyone' policy, the first question FMIL asks when we invite her to anything is "wil your dad and HIS WIFE be there?" FDH will say, "probably, we invite everyone, remember?" FMIL will then make something up about how they can't attend.

Anyway, Do you think it's wrong/mean/unfair that FDH and I are having parties and just inviting everyone? FSIL recently had a house warming party and said nothing to FFIL because she "didn't want him to think he was invited" because if she extended an invite to him FMIL & her husband wouldn't show up. FMIL has also started making comments about "maybe having her" hoilday parties on a different day and will comments like "i got next year!" , but I think it's her trying to passive aggressively point out that she doesn't like that we're having parties at our house. I dont know? FFIL and his wife are always happy to come and enjoy themselves even when FMIL has been there, they could care less if FMIL is there or not. My parents are divorced also but are so wrapped up in their own lives and are hardly around that this isn't an issue.

msg1986's picture

Right?? that's how i think of it!! When she makes up whatever excuse about WHY they won't be attending, I'm secretly doing a happy dance lol. They are such downers that I hate doing anything with them. FMIL and her husband are the most negative people I've ever met.

yep, they can plan around us because I plan WAY ahead. It's just so sickening how much FMIL PAS'd her daughter that she doesn't want anything to do with her dad.

msg1986's picture

Another thing to add, when FDH advised him mom that this was our new rule to invite everyone, she called him SO many times STILL trying to PAS him. Telling him she's his mom and he should only invte her and doesn't he know that FFIL is a horrible person and blah blah blah. It was disgusting.

This is probably why FMIL is trying to be cool with BM because she doesn't think FDH should be setting boundaries with BM and sympathizes with her.