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msg1986's picture

Being that we've been having so many issues w/ FMIL lately I wanted opinons on something she recently told me before her cray cray was unleased on us a few weeks ago...

My FSIL is pregnant with her first child, this is FMIL 2nd grandchild. FSIL is BFFs with her DH's sister. When we found out FSIL was preg FMIl immediately asked me if I would help her with the babyshower, I agreed out of a feeling of obligation but thought it was strange that she would ask me and not FSIL husbands sister because I'm not close to FSIL, and that's her BFF. Anyway, last month FMIL came to a dinner we had for my bday. On that visit I advised FMIL that I hoped she didn't think she HAD to ask me to help her with the babyshower and that if any of FSIL friends (FBIL's sister mainly) wanted to help her that I would gladly stepback. She got irritated at this point and said that she was throwing the babyshower and if she'd have whoever she wanted to help her with it regardless of what FSIL thought. Note:FMIL is highly jealous of the relationship FSIL and her BFF have, in the past she's made FSIL choose between her mom and her BFF because she felt like FSIL was spending too much time with her BFF. Well during that convo she advised me that she was angry because FSIL told FMIL that her husbands mom and sister asked if they could attend all of her doctor appts w/ her and if they could be in the room while she gave birth as they are excited because this is the first baby to be born in their family. She was mainly angry because FSIL considered letting them attend MD visits and the birth. FMIL pretty much told me she told her daughter that she didn't think it was right to ler FSIL husband's mom and sister attend appts or the birth because FSIL is FMIL's only daughter and this is an experience between them as mother and daughter and that FSIL's DH's mom and sister would have that experience when FSIL's husbands sister had a baby, she went into detail to me about how she was a single mom and raised FDH, FSIL all on her own and she just wants that moment with her daughter blah blah blah... she actually felt like she was being victimized. From how FMIL explained it, she layed it on thick and SURPRISINGLY FSIL fed into it ALL and told her husband that his family could not be involved at all during the pregnancy or birth of the kid.

Now, don't get me wrong when I have a baby I dont think I'd want 20 people tagging along to every appt nor do I want an audience watch a human slide out of my hoo-ha what I DO find it strange though is that when FSS4 was born you bet your sweet ass FMIL was all up BM's business about that pregnancy and pretty much pressured everyone about being in the room while FSS was born and she got her way and was in the room when he was born. So what's different now? Why didn't she let BM have that "moment" with her mommy??

What do you guys think about this?

oldone's picture

She's just a pushy manipulative woman.

I have a friend of many decades that often does stupid stuff too. She told me one time that her only request was that her children spend every holiday at her home. (that went by the wayside a decade or two ago). She NEVER went to her own mother's home even before she had children. She did not see the inconsistency.

Now my friend has many, many redeeming qualities so I just ignore it when she is like this.

Your body is your body. You 100% get to dictate who gets near it while you are pregnant. Even your husband does not have a RIGHT to be there unless you want him.

msg1986's picture

OOoh yeah FMIL is all the things you listed and passive aggressive to boot so if you question her she cries and says no one appreciates her and she just wants to help everyone. It's annoying.

I used to try to ignore her behavior but now that she's setting her target on us I'm pissed...

Totally with you about your body... when she told me that this is an experience between her and her daughter I couldn't help but think "... isn't this an experience between the people having the baby??"

msg1986's picture

You got that right, she's a piece of work, that woman.

Hmmm I have no idea in regards to the etiquette for babyshowers, I just wish she wouldn't have asked me.

Although I feel sorry for the way she's manipulating the situation with FSIL I'm acutally happy about it. I've REALLY been trying to work in issues with my own mother and i've mentioned this to her FMIL so when I have a baby this will be excuse right here to keep FMIL OUT of the room. I'm going to tell her that I learned alot from what she said with the situation between her and FSIL and it would be unfair to my own mother if I Let her or anyone else with the exception of my FDH of course be involved. Smile

2Tired4Drama's picture

I guess I am just getting too old ... when did it become the standard to have everyone and their brother present for a birth?!!

The cases that really perplex me are when people who have small children allow them to be present. To each their own, I guess. But I couldn't stand my ex-s mother and there would have been NO WAY I would have allowed her in the room had we had a child together.

My SO was present for both of his kids' births and he told me he really didn't want to be there since he's pretty squeamish about that kind of stuff AND she had C-sections. But his ex demanded he be there. His entire experience about the birth of his kids left him with a bit of negative memory because he was so stressed about being there and being so uncomfortable and worried. He said it would have been a much better experience if he could have just waited in the room. I think she should have respected that.

I'm with oldone - it's your body and medical care so even your DH does not have the RIGHT to be there unless you want him to be.

I would begin setting the stage right now with your FMIL - tell her that if and when you give birth, it will be a party of two - you and your DH.