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Blew up and overshared my opinion of his skids - now feel awful!

Mila851's picture

It happened - after 1 year of emotionally detaching myself from his kids.....and counting to 10, for hours, everytime they're here. I blew my top last night. It started as a normal conversation and it all just came out perhaps a little too much came out.....

Months and months of lazy, spoiled, ungrateful behaviour including tantrums from both SD15 and SS13 and agression and violence from SS13 all came out in a torrent of swear words at DH. I cannot take anymore, this is no way to live, they're bullies, these locks can easily be changed, if she wants to bring psycho ex-wife to our door everytime Daddy won't hand her a lump of cash then she can wait on the street or buy herself an annual bus pass, id SS13 ever gets that close to hitting BD5, accidentally or otherwise, he doesn't want to know what I would do. All of the times I have wanted to scream "GROW UP" or "STOP BEING SUCH AN OBNOXIOUS LITTLE SH*T" all came out over the course of 3 hours last night.

We ended up with the same old speeches:

"I know they're spoiled and it's my failing as a Dad, I'm a useless person  etc etc etc"

"yes, they're obnoxious and you've allowed it. They're horrible, rude and sullen."

"Would I leave him if someone handed me a set of keys to an identical home?"

"Is that an offer because I gladly accept" came my reply.

 

I thought I'd feel better, like having therapy and finally getting it all off your chest. I do not feel better, I feel anxious and edgy and completely unable to focus at work. What's the answer? You bottle it up and it eats at you and things never improve - or you blow up monumentally in an Oscar winning performance of shouting and swearing and cold hard truths........and he looks at you as if you've just smothered a puppy. I can't apologise as it will just weaken his resolve to address their behaviour and I can't bear the awkwardness that is going to follow once they've "had their chat".........Has anyone else let rip their frustrations and felt like sh*t afterwards? I should point out that the skids were not at ours.

nengooseus's picture

I think anytime we hurt the feelings of someone we love, even when it's 100% true, it hurts and  make you feel edgy and awkward.

Personally, I don't hold it in anymore.  If the skids p*ss me off, I let DH know right away.  He does his best to manage them, but he feels there's "only so much" he can do because of the poisoning they get from their mother. A lot of our conflict comes from him feeling powerless because of her BS.

It sounds like you and your DH need some couples counseling, if you're both open to it.  You all aren't communicating on an on-going basis, and that's aggravating the already bad skid issues, and it would help if someone outside can help him to understand your perspective.

Mila851's picture

You're right - we don't communicate properly over the skids. They also get a lot of poisoning from their mother, we have through gritted teeth, managed to keep our promise that our home is a parent sl*gging free zone. We never openly speak ill of BM and when the skids are reciting her lastest vicious behaviour we have adapted a gentle, "That's very disappointing"....whilst thinking "what kind of mother does that?!"

DH adores my BD and the feeling is mutual. I used to have an ok relationship with his two but it's forced. I don't like how they behave and they wouldn't like me if they knew what goes through my head whilst they're shouting their demands or refusing to cooperate with ANYTHING that isn't an electronic device.

Does DH hold it against you when you get p*ssed off with the skids or does he understand?

Thanks for your response.

 

ldvilen's picture

Your DH is probably like most DHs, including mine, and that he doesn't hold it against you so much (although some may), but he likes to act like his hands are tied and there is nothing he can do about it, a/k/a he puts his head in the sand.  Actually, there is plenty he can do about it.  He can be proactive vs. reactive, for one thing.  Anytime you are in reactive situation, you are already putting yourself at a disadvantage.  He should be speaking with these kids directly about the rules/ boundaries of your household, and he should also be telling them he loves them, but that he has moved on, and and that your role as wife/ SO in the household needs to be at least acknowledged.  He needs to tell them this and more.

I don't what it is with these DHs?  They just say nothing (or they have been told to say nothing) and expect their kids to figure it out on their own, meanwhile, BM or others are taking home field advantage to stage their children's take on their own father and dad's SO or wife.  Most dads need to be way more proactive than what they are, and they can do this w/o slamming BM.  It is just a question of sitting with your own children as often as it takes and going over what it really means now that dad has moved on, and here is what is expected of you now in this household and so on.  If BM hasn't moved on, TS.  That needs to rest on her shoulders alone.

Usually what happens, and is probably what is happening here, is that DH puts his head in the sand, lets the kids do whatever, and then SM goes around running herself ragged trying to maintain some sort of order in the home that she and DH and their children share.  What does SM's reward for taking all of this one usually wind up being?  Usually to be slapped w/ the label Evil SM.  It is DH's responsibility to manage his children.  Guidance, direction, and yes, even punishment has to come from him, or his children aren't going to take anyone else seriously.  If it takes counseling to get him to do that vs. him puting his head in the sand all the time and acting like PLOM, then that is what it takes.  Don't give him a pass on this, or you'll be burned out in no time.

nengooseus's picture

I will speak directly to the skids when they're being a$$holes.  Mostly about how badly they treat their dad, which is the most shameful part.  They know that he will love them no matter what and that he doesn't lie, cheat, or connive, all of which their mother does with ease.  I tell my SD13 that she needs to think critically about behavior from her BM.  I will "expose" the most toxic of behaviors as being toxic.  I don't say "Your mom is a horrible person," but I will ask what she thinks or feels about some horrible thing her BM has done (last weekend, I found out BM washaving SD "volunteer" to work 11 hours days at a church, and that she was EXHAUSTED.  I did the math for her on how much she should have been paid for her time and let her know that the pastor made $215K last year.  She drew her own conclusions from there).  When they come in spewing BM BS, I will absolutely say that it's BS and provide evidence, as appropriate.  If skids started *another* conflict between DH and BM by lying or manipulating, I will call that out, too. DH is working on being able to do this, too. 

I think it was Divorce Poison (or joint custody with a jerk) that I read and which "gave me permission" to talk to the skids about the cr@p their mom does in a constructuve way.  If you haven't read those, they're fully worthwhile.

Does DH hold it against me when we scrap?  I think in the beginning he did, but we don't fight about this cr@p all that much anymore.  My DH shuts down when we talk about stuff with the skids or HCBM now.  He knows how bad it all is, but feels helpless (understandably) to do anything about it.  So he addresses the immediate issue and we have to just kind of have an understanding about the big picture issues.

I really would like DH to have firm opinions on what to do with the big picture--does he want more time with the skids, how will he hold BM accountable for bad behavior, etc., so that's where I still get frustrated, but those are long-term conflicts that don't tend to explode.  

notarelative's picture

I found out BM washaving SD "volunteer" to work 11 hours days at a church, and that she was EXHAUSTED.  I did the math for her on how much she should have been paid for her time and let her know that the pastor made $215K last year.  

If you belong to a church, volunteering at church events is not uncommon. If SD attends church with BM, I'm not sure how abusive SD working at a church event is. I am not aware of any church in my area that pays teens to work at church events. And a pastor earning $215,000 would bankrupt my church. That's not a common pastor salary.

Maybe a shorter volunteer day wouldn't have left SD so exhausted, but I don't see volunteering as a bad thing for a teen. To me, it's better than spending the day on gaming or YouTube.

nengooseus's picture

To be clear, my SD didn’t understand that it was volunteering for a church. They’re not church goers or religious, so it’s not “theirs.”  

She was babysitting. Her “shift” was in the afternoon, but because BM can’t cooperate with anyone, she was dropping SD there at 7 am, forcing her to work 50+ hours in a single week, which was allowed by the church  

And yes, the pastor in this church receives $215,000 in salary and has children working illegally to help him get there. I think that’s extra gross. 

I’d much rather have her on YouTube than being exploited by a church and a pastor making 6 figures!

notarelative's picture

You certainly don't have to explain, but you added info puts a different look on the "volunteering". That's not volunteering. That's BM finding a place to dump her kid for the week.

Mila851's picture

Thanks for your post that’s real food for thought and I will look up the books you suggested.

sybarite's picture

Does DH hold it against you when you get p*ssed off with the skids or does he understand?

Against

Mila851's picture

Do you just have to bite your tongue and inwardly scream? I’m not sure I’d have the discipline! 

sybarite's picture

Read DISENGAGE. I learned about this on StepTalk. Google and apply.

Before StepTalk I knew of MEDIUM CHILL, GRAY ROCK. They help too. Instead of biting your tongue, or screaming, use one of those replies.

The second thought returns back to my prompting: change the dynamic so that your engagement with them is pleasant; negate what would "have you biting your tongue and inwardly scream".

Example? Maybe meal times are a display of all that ills you: messes, ungratefulness, feet on table, chewing with mouth open, dirty hands breaking bread -- whatever. If you're not there for meals, you're not a witness, so for your first hand reality, it's not happening. There's nothing to bite your tongue over. There's nothing to inwardly scream over.

Another option would be, invite a guest or more over. I don't know about your step family, but mine puts on the best show for visitors.

If your step family loves pasta, but is messy with noodles, then buy the short noodles like penne. Try to focus on solutions (can control), instead of the problems (can't control).

If you're stuck finding solutions, ask StepTalk. There are so many posters here who have BTDT. Use us! If for nothing else than a "shoulder" to cry on.

Some StepTalkers disengage and can be at that table. Amazing! Maybe one day that will be me?

For now, not me: Every thought or feeling I have is immediately advertised on my face, even if I manage to bite my tongue! People still know what I'm thinking and feeling. As to biting my tongue, there's a tiny speedbump between my brain and mouth. I know my limits. Solution? I take walks with DH to talk. Can't see your companion's facial expression when facing forward and paying attention in order to walk. I do lots of "ah" and "oh" for replies. 

HTH

tankh21's picture

I feel the same really edgy just being in the same room as the skids. I try to avoid them at all costs because they behave like 5 year olds and they are teens. I get tired to the excuses my DH makes for them.

Mila851's picture

This is where we are now. I am always out or working late where I can on skid day.

sybarite's picture

I applied the economic theory of the Scarcity Principle: whomever is least available is most in demand is treated best.

In practical terms: I'm away when skids are away too. When I am here, like you, "I am often always out or working". I use telecomm less too, and I'm not on social media.

Mila851's picture

i love how you’ve got such an academic approach to this!

sybarite's picture

In my situation I have little power. I also am not great at maniuplation aka Machiavelli or womanly wiles, and while this is a great opportunity to learn and apply those skills, I needed a sooner solution ;) If you are, go for those! Use whatever tools, skills, situational strengths...YOU have.

If you like reading, and you're wanting to get into an academic mindset (notice how many old people there are on campus? libraries? labs? Academics don't die from worry) then I recommend:

  • The Curmudgeon's Guide to Getting Ahead: Dos and Don'ts of Right Behavior, ...Book by Charles A. Murray

  • Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step‑by‑Step Guide to Help You Decide ...Book by Mira Kirshenbaum

  • Socializing with as many transactional relationship types aka attorneys, accountants, commercial real estate agents, investment bankers, little old ladies that view life as too limited to take shit...as you can because you can learn much from them, as well as have their POV on your situation. Until at some point, you adopt their mindset, you find your inner strength, and you power through Step Hell.

Good luck!

ESMOD's picture

I think everyone has lost their cool at one point or another and said things that they either didn't really mean...or at the very least didn't mean to say them the way they came out.  So don't totally beat yourself up over that. 

Unfortunately, you do probably need to address the conversation with him.  I think it would be good to tell him that while you aren't going to apologize about the things you said about his children, you do want to apologize about the WAY you expressed your thoughts.  Telling him that the frustration about your constant requests for improvement that are met with zero to little effort has really taken it's toll.  Tell him that admitting he is a "bad father" isn't cutting it and it isn't fixing it and it isn't only you that is suffering from his lack of action.  His kids are going to grow up and have issues their entire life because he hasn't taught them how to be decent members of society.  Ultimately, they will grow up and move out and alleviate the issue for you but they will suffer for a lifetime with lost jobs and friendships and the inability to thrive as adults.  You know he can't want that for his kids and you know he must want to make his home a happier place.  THAT is why it is so important that he stop throwing his hands up as if he has no control and take these bulls by the horn and start teaching his kids how to behave.

Mila851's picture

Thanks - that sounds like a good way to handle the conversation about last night, I'll apologise for it coming out in an explosive rant. I did make reference to the fact that their futures won't be bright if they don't change their path.....but it was most likely lost in the tirade and will need reiterating!

Areyou's picture

I don’t keep in anything. I let DH know when I’m annoyed or hurt. He has to fix the damage. Don’t hold back. It only harms you to do so. Let it out.

Mila851's picture

It sounds like people on here have been through the silent fury! I don't like the person I am when I am that mad - we never fight about anything except the skids. When we have had a fight over them, we go through this wierd cycle where I quieten down and he tries to be firmer but it's all false. I'm going to try and make a promise to tell him at the time and not hit him with 12 months of skid crimes at 2am! Thank you.

icanteven's picture

I think it is good that you said these things. Sometimes they need to know how serious we are about it all. I think you should not retract any of the things you said, not apologize, and see what happens. This could work well for you. It sounds like he reacted better than many would to this conversation.

I once said similar things to my husband. Once. He yelled at me for more than one hour and since that day, always says horrible things about me and my kids every time he can. It sounds like you may make progress with this conversation. Many of us do not.

Mila851's picture

Thank you for your reply! So sorry to hear that your experience has left a bitterness with DH when all you were doing was sharing valid frustrations. He wasn't too bad to be honest, maybe a sign that deep down he already knew what I was telling him. He seemed resigned to what I was saying after initially trying to derail it or tell me that I was being too black and white. It's so hard and because "us" and "them" so easily. They shouldn't call them "blended" families, that sounds way too harmonious!! This site and you guys have been a life saver for me over the last few days especailly!!

Coco72's picture

This has been my life for the past 4 days, we had a blow up on Sunday, tried to talk about it Monday and it made it worse, tried again last night and now I've just shut down and just don't care. I had specific, recent, real incidents to give as examples as to my frustration and anger and I get in return that he's sorry hes such a horrible father (pity party) and that he is sorry his son doesn't breathe right (meaning that I'm being controlling). 

SS11 comes back tonight, so I can only imagine how tonight is going to go, probably something like "SS please be on your best behavior so I don't have to hear Coco complain", and then when SS puts a dish in the sink DH will come share the exciting news so he can prove that SS isn't the slob I make him out to be.

I want to run away......

futurobrillante99's picture

So much passive aggressive BS. 

Can you call him out on undermining you when he throws you under the bus?

Coco72's picture

I try, his response was that he was joking, it was all in fun, and that I couldn't take a joke. I told him that what makes him think that making a joke at your wife's expense is funny, he thinks I'm being overly sensitive. 

I don't even know how to respond anymore. 

sybarite's picture

I ran away. It works. Read the economic theory I posted above. 

We have a slob issue too. What helped?

  • I rarely eat at home now, so how messy the kitchen is, counters, tables, sinks, no clean dishes and cutlery...mostly not my problem now.
  • I return to living in the home after an outside cleaning service.
  • DH is on a minimalist kick. DH disagrees on organization, clutter, cleanliness, skids... Guess what? Minimalism looks a lot like organizated, no clutter, clean! I don't care about the syntax.
  • Robot vaccum. Which also means the house must be picked up for that robot to vacuum. Set the schedule so the robot cleans when you want everyone out. Win win.

I come to StepTalk or a therapist to talk about things DH and skids find unpleasant.

Mila851's picture

I hope it went ok tonight? I hate that sinking sense of dread when you hear the car doors slam on the drive. 

Mila851's picture

I hope it went ok tonight? I hate that sinking sense of dread when you hear the car doors slam on the drive. 

Nottakingit's picture

I am finding that when I express my feelings and thoughts about the skids, my SO seems relieved as agrees and that gives him the push to make changes. It's like he doesn't know all the time if his bad feelings are ok, bc he has cptsd and my talking to him reassures him. Occasionally he does get defensive but that's normal as a parent and we talk it through.

Nottakingit's picture

Also there have been times I have blown up when I shared my feelings instead of saying them calmly. I just couldn't take it anymore. And it wasn't in anger, it was a crying fit. I just did my best after to explain that I couldn't take it anymore and I've been holding it in for so long.

Mila851's picture

Head in the sand do you think? When you put the facts in their face and don’t get a major defense case......it stinks of “yeah I’ve been waiting for you to make me do something about that” frustrating but the alternative sounds worse from what I am reading on here. 

fairyo's picture

Mila your post has raised some interesting issues. Both theX and I were conflict avoiders- sometimes in the early days I would try to point out my feelings about his relationship with his kids, but I soon came to realise I was getting nowhere- so I stopped saying anything. He avoided conflict with me by not talking to me about anything except day to day stuff, for a whole year.

Some relationship experts say that is good to argue, let it all out, let off steam etc- but I'm not sure it always works for everyone. I can identify with your 'edginess' as this is how I felt after speaking my mind and getting no-where. I sometimes wonder if I haven't had said the things I did if we would still be together- but too late for that...

That is why it is invaluable to have a place like this where you can speak your truth with very little comeback, if any, and you may find those who know exactly what you mean, instead of letting rip to someone who hasn't a clue what you are talking about,

I don't know if your DH will ever get it- they seldom do, but you never know...at least he seems to be taking some of it on board instead of the out and out stone-walling that I received.

Mila851's picture

StepTalk has given me huge comfort and also perspective. Stone walling is impossible - had I received that last night I  don’t know where we would be today. It was only his acceptance that placated me at all....I hope it was genuine and not just a “b*gger if she leaves me I’ve got to start again” 

 

Tonight has been civil and “fine” though I still feel edgy and have just poured a second glass of wine. It still feels odd here. Thanks for sharing. 

CantComplain's picture

I bottle things up until I explode, too, but it's not like I plan it that way. It creeps up on me. Sometimes I can figure out 

1) What the real cause of my feelings? 

2) What can I do to fix it?

before I explode and say things that I totally mean but that I have to apologize for and pretend I don't mean later. 

Sometimes it takes the explosion to help me figure it out. 

Sometimes I never figure it out. 

I wish I could help you but all I can give is support from afar and an assurance that you are NOT alone. ((HUGS))

Mila851's picture

Thank you for your kindness. Today I felt truly cr*p and defeated. The kind words and empathy has given me some spirit back ☺️

Mila851's picture

Reading all these posts makes me feel more human than I did this morning! People who haven’t been through it don’t understand. If you’re not telling them how you wish that the skids were your bio kids then you get that “look”. 

DH is a head in the sand kind of guy and sometimes you have to be really forceful to get actions.....or even nearly get actions!! 

Thanks for sharing and for understanding!! 

icanteven's picture

That is very true! When my husband and I moved in together and I found out his son was a spoiled brat, I googled many times, "Advice for new stepmother" or "difficulties with blended family" and most of the articles I saw warned women about not getting too hopeful about the kids wanting us to be their new mother, and how we should hold ourselves back from loving the kids too much because it can be overwhelming for them.

I asked myself, "But what about when you wish the child's mother would take it and move to the moon? Surely there are more people like me who feel this way?"

On other internet forum, people say, "Just love them like your own" and "it is all about the kids. Kids come first."

Only a stepparent understands a stepparent.

Mila851's picture

Our google searches were very similar!!!! 

marblefawn's picture

We went through the same cycle of rage about SD that you described. I'd hold my tongue so long and then just flip.

Then I thought if we agreed to regularly talk about the issues with SD, it might help -- sort of like a scheduled therapy appointment without the therapist. We wouldn't start from a place of anger so we could talk calmly and find solutions. We had trouble sticking to a schedule for the talk because we were moving out of the country and had so much to do. But we got to it a few times. I'd say, "Do you want to have that talk now? Is now a good time for you?"

It helped me because I could calmly vent and forecast what I knew would be bad scenes to come with SD. It helped him because he is so conflict avoidant and this was just a talk, not conflict in the heat of the moment. We talked about upcoming things we knew would be ugly with SD and how to handle them. I could direct him about my fears of how things would be manipulated by SD. I could say, "When this happens, I need you to do this and stick to it."

I think it helped us get through a really stressful time when we had a lot of contact with SD because we were leaving and she was at her most histrionic. (Nothing helped as much as leaving her on a different continent for a few years, to be honest.) The talk never blew up to a scene like you described.

Skids are a huge problem. No one can expect to ignore the problem and not have it blow up. And why ignore it when it is a day in, day out issue?

 

Mila851's picture

I like the idea of looking ahead and “prepping” DH to do the right thing at the right time! 

blayze's picture

Conflict avoidant to the max.

Enter BM, stepDAUGHTERS, and lazy guilty worthless boyfriend/daddy and my bubbling emotions scared the crap out of me.

I think I found steptalk around 8months in...after BM had stalked me, filed false charges and a restraining order on SO, and moved his kids from OH to GA. And SO would still answer her calls whenever she felt like harassing him at work - even though she still had the protection order in place.  

I had the first of many “lose my shit” moments when I found out. 

Over the next 4 years, I had many more. I have never yelled at anyone with such fury. SO called me abrasive. Lol yes, my words are carefully chosen and harsh sometimes, but he even said they are in stark contrast to the gentle submissive woman he’s used to on a daily basis.

These step situations bring out the worst in ya. The anger. The powerlessness. The unfairness. The knowing you could fix his problems but he’s just too passive to entertain your solutions. The confusion about why he’s such a man in every other life situation yet turns into a punk regarding his clearly feral kids (whose behavior he can influence!!!) or his nasty ass ex (whose feelings he shouldn’t consider). 

It’s the most maddening experience ever living with people who suck - every weekend, 50/50, whatever, while their parent stands there with a thumb up his butt, shrugging like “I don’t see anything wrong with my kids.” 

Oh my gosh! 

Of course we go off sometimes. And unfortunately, I don’t think counseling helps. It didn’t for us. What helped was finally giving my cute Idiot clear instructions on how to handle situations with his brats... telling him why it was important to their and OUR future... and making fun of him (using his daughters or ex’s voice) for falling for their manipulations. 

He understood. 

But by that time, I was done. Apparently he gets it now... no longer a guilty daddy when he has sole custody of the cretins since BM lost custody of her entire baseball team. Eye roll*

So I say, lose your shit, then follow it up later with logical, clear and easy to follow directions on what a positive outcome would look like...and pray he gets it before your resentment surpasses your respect for him. 

Mila851's picture

Skid rage has got to be a thing - thank you! You describe it perfectly - powerlessness is a thing and it is one of the triggers. If he doesn’t take control of them then he may as well move BM into our home and have done (something I’m pretty sure I screamed at him last night!!) 

ESMOD's picture

People say weird things when they are angry.. My DH once said he would rather sleep with a tractor trailer than spend a minute with me.  He was so mad that he didn't even know what he was saying.. we were just in the yard and one of his worker's trailer was in the yard..lol. 

(my dh is usually pretty mild mannered... only a couple real fights in 15 years.. so not too bad usually)

Rainydaze777's picture

I don't even think what you said was bad lol

you should hear some of the stuff that's come out ofmy mouth.

These kids, ex wives and the whole situation is enough to turn the kindest, sanest person into a lunatic 

lorlors's picture

I had a full on rage fest at DH a few weeks back about the stepson(17). I don’t normally have a temper but I cracked it. Steplife drives you to despair so a good letting off steam sometimes has to happen. 

theoldredhen's picture

Ah, Mila,

Those same old speeches! My daughters were both attending Uni (on their dime; part time jobs, grants and scholarships) when I married and moved in with DH and his teenaged son & daughter. The difference between my girls, who had worked since age 14, prepped meals, did laundry, vacuumed etc. as preteens and his princess (still having Daddddeeee cut up the meat on her plate at 13 years old!) was so obvious that DH admitted his fault and wished that he had done things differently.

Did that change the day to day indolence of the steps? Hell, no! My DH was used to the status quo and was not keen to change. Not until we had undergone months of family therapy (The therapist stated that SD was one of the most immature, clingy children that he'd ever dealt with; DH was so hurt!), was DH able to recognize some of the passive/aggressive ploys that SD used to divide and conquer.

Only the threat of divorce, a threat that I fully intended to pursue, made a significant change in our home life. I had lost my job, my home, moved far away from family and friends and yet was prepared to leap into the unknown, rather than continue living a miserable existence with a  hateful mini-wife. I fought back.

beastofburden's picture

yes. Ive blown my lid like Mt. Vesuvious. Then I feel guilty for days. Then I get angry again because none of this shit actually has anything to do with me!!! I have no kids of my own, nor ex husbands. Sometimes I beleive thats why he tries so hard to convince me to stay with him because he knows HE'S got it good and HE'LL never find someone else withou kids or exs.