ex-wife with no boundaries (kids are grown)
Hi all, I am new here. Just would like some advice on how to handle my husband's over-bearing ex-wife in regards to his family and showing up to his family functions. The problem is, she insists on coming to EVERYTHING his family does. And there has been no love loss with her, either, she has made our lives a living hell for the last 16 years. I have 6 police reports against her myself, I just never signed the warrants bc I was afraid of how it would affect the kids if I had their mother arrested. I had hoped it would force her to stop some of her antics, but it took telling her attorney about them to make it happen - sort of. She just has absolutely no respect for boundaries, and has made stalking an art form.
Let me preface: they have 2 children from the marriage, both are in their early 20s and in college. We ended up being custodial when the kids were in middle & high school. This was per the kids' request, and she eventually let them move in with us. My husband had always been close to his daughter, and she had been pushing to live with us for several years prior to this happening. Not long after they moved in with us, the ex met a guy online, married him when she went to visit him the first time, then moved 1500 miles away to his state 2 weeks after her initial trip. She has since moved back home with him.
The problem is, she refuses to stop showing up at any family affair my in-laws have. When my husband's grandparents were still living and before she moved back home, she brought her new husband home with her for her visitation. While here, she took the kids to see the grandparents "so the kids could visit". The grandparents were so stunned by her appearance at their door, they let her in and said nothing. She has shown up to family reunions, and several of the in-laws have commented about her audacity. She has shown up to his grandmother's funeral, and attempted to sit with the family during the church service. The only reason she got up and left her seat next to my husband is bc his sister gave her a death glare until she moved. She has NEVER respected any boundaries, to the point where she is banned from our property. She now acts like we are all friends and wants to chat us up when we have to be around her for events such as their daughter's son's birthday. I am not rude, I will respond to her greeting or question, but I keep it short and I do not engage her and simply walk away from her. My husband is less so, he refuses to even aknowledge her presence when she tries to speak to him. We feel like there has been entirely too much nastiness over the years to turn around and start acting like we like each other when when clearly we do not.
As for HOW she is finding out about these events, she is very manipulative, and has managed to find out many things in the past that we still wonder about. And no, no one is inviting her, but they do speak of these events on social media and such, so we can just make assumptions all we want.
The last event was my husband's uncle's birthday party (which is coming up again after Christmas), and everyone decided it would be our standing family get-together every year at his house, since everyone is so spread out now and we dont see each other much anymore with the grandparents gone. The problem with that is, if my husband catches wind that she is likely to be there, he will refuse to go. I never mentioned to him that she showed up last year (we were out of town at the time). While I feel like he shouldn't refuse family functions just bc of her, I do understand why he does it. She caused many years of stress and hatefulness over the years, and despite what a good man he is, some things he doesnt let go of. He stresses just being around her. (She DID try to cut him out of the kids' lives on several occassions out of spite when he refused to come back to her.) There are MANY stories I could tell that would explain all of the hard feelings, but hope that it would be understood that it was simply BAD for a very long time. I am just looking for a little advice, and also, a bit of a vent. Thanks in advance for taking the time to read this and comment.