Still here
I am still in a relationship with my husband. Sounds weird I know but that describes it best. He still clings to his own house, about 2 hrs from mine.
I have not laid eyes on his two adult daughters in over 6 years. They did awful things with their mother, and plotted things to ruin our wedding, which they refused to attend.
So dh now has reunited with them. They DO live across the country, but he calls the younger twice a day, and they text all day long. Recently the older one was in the large city nearby, and dh drove there and spent the day with her at a museum I had told him that I had wanted to visit. I should add that dh makes no efforts to plan trips, dinner out etc.
So we find that we are in the city for the day and dh says, Why don't we go to this restaurant. I had such a great meal when I took my daughter there." I reacted strongly saying I'd rather go to another place. I then get told that I need to move on and stop living in the past. So I agree to go to the restaurant.
I have known through my dh that his younger daughter in her mid 20's was flying in sometime this winter. So today dh says that his daughter is flying in on a Thursday mid Jan, but to a city about 3 hrs away. He is driving and picking her up, and then going skiing in Canada for 4-5 days, staying at a resort he had gone with his daughters prior to meeting me. I have always heard how fabulous this place is, yet dh never took me.
So offhanded, dh quietly asks that I should join them. I say no, how ridiculous for me to go, and you go and enjoy.
Our relationship is tenuous regardless of this. I do admit I am not pleased. When we travel, I have to do all the planning, and I do pay of course. This weekend I wanted to pick out a cruise and dh showed zero interest.
I guess it shows really that his major interests lie with his daughters. He PLANS wonderful things with them. Although he did want to take me and my kids out for the day this week, but my kids showed zero interest.
So Gottman says that when the
So Gottman says that when the relationship has more negative interactions than positive ones, it's probably doomed. If you don't do fun stuff together, if he's not planning and thinking about your comfort and trying to delight you and you for him, then what's the point?
He hasn't cleaned up the mess he likely contributed to and you might be holding onto some justified resentment. It's hard to move on when the problem is never really resolved.
As Jennifer Aniston once dryly noted, your husband is missing a sensitivity chip. The fact that he keeps his own house says alot to me and actually, that might be exactly where you are most comfortable right now, given where things stand.
My husband isn't much of a planner. He's a procrastinator. People pleaser. It can be tough to do the social stuff but he does plan some of our vacations (I never vacation with the SKs, which is great, he joined them for a trip this year which was a-ok with me). I do wish he'd do more date night stuff but he brings me flowers and stuff so I can't complain.
In his own way, he getting you to agree to stuff (like the skiing vacation) that he wants to do with his daughters without you. And he wants you to say that's it okay so he can feel better about going without his wife. I'd have no problem not going (because I hate 2 of my SKs) but I do have a problem with the underhanded way he approached this with you and the fact that he isn't planning stuff with you, for you, to be with you. Shows where his priorities are.
It sounds like you know where you stand with him. And that's a very good thing.
Hi there. Good to hear from
Hi there. Good to hear from you. Sad things have not improved much.
I say plan that cruise for yourself with a friend or your children. Go to the museum. Go to restaurants that you want to go to. Tell him all about it later. Do not put your life on hold. Invite him once, if he shows no interest then do it without him.
Does he come to your home to see you? Are you still going to his house? If so then stop. Let him make the effort. If he does not then go on without him.
Are their grandchildren yet? It will only get worse then.
Good wishes.
I still cannot wrap my head
I still cannot wrap my head around your DH clinging to his house 2 hrs away from you. Is he not "all in" or what? I believe that is more telling than anything - that house is his safety net and he obviously doesn't care enough to plan vacations with you but will bend over backwards for his daughters. You can do better than that. Get your ducks in a row and find a real man who makes you the center of his world.
Sorry to be harsh. (((hugs)))
^^^THIS!!!!^^^ You are
^^^THIS!!!!^^^ You are living like you aren't married. Why not make it official? I really believe if you did you would soon realize he is not much of a boyfriend either.
I have not heard from dh
I have not heard from dh today. And I am not calling him. One of my dogs, whom my dh referred to as his, died a month ago. I honestly think dh stuck with me because of the dog. In fact, a few years ago, we were out at a bar having cocktails and dh said that he only married me because of my dog, he didn't want to lose him. I was shocked, and dh to this day denies the comment.
Why do I have a hard time ending this? It is a dead end relationship.
What really Gauls me is dh only took me away only once a year for his conference. I booked all the Vacations, paid for them. I love Canada! And here dh takes his daughter who didn't even invite him to her college graduation a few years ago, even though he paid 4 years of it. Kind of hurtful. But I believe blood IS thicker than water. I married a man enmeshed with his daughters and his house, a temple to himself.
Talk about riding a dead
Talk about riding a dead horse! Most women would have dumped him after the dog remark. Please go to a counselor and find out why you continue to allow your DH to treat you like dog doo.
I know. I remember it like
I know. I remember it like yesterday. He said, "I love C more than you. I married you because I didn't want to lose him. ". And my reaction? Ignored it! Told myself he had been drinking. But it did make me stop driving to his house after work on Friday. He knows I no longer love him. We take photos and he says, " pretend that you love me." People look shocked, but he gives no explanation.
I guess Sandye my dh did mean the dog comment. C died a few weeks ago. Where is dh? Why did I stay?
It is not a life for me.
It is not a life for me. Never knowing plans for a weekend. Most of time only seeing dh from 6 pm sat onward. Being alone 3-4 nights a week. Always waking up alone. When my dog died this past month, I was the one who had to carry him into the ER vet early in the morning, ALONE.
I think this relationship keeps reinforcing my depression.
Why did I ever marry someone I did not live with? Dh had me drinking the koolaid. Back then he referred to the two houses as only ours. If still refuses to use "my house" or "your house". Instead it is I am at "the house". I think now even he realizes it was all a fantasy. He was not fully committed. Most telling he lost his wedding ring a few months ago. No mention of replacing it.
And yet he convinced me that
And yet he convinced me that he was fully committed. He would finish his house, we would buy one together and life would be good. I saw the signs early on. We never discussed what kind of house, what neighborhood. Any conversation would be shut down with, " I told you I would do this!"
The first year I was dating him, I took him away for the birthday weekend at a lavish hotel, lavish dinner. thousand dollars. He got me a 50 dollar throw from pottery barn.
But his one saving grace is he did put up my xmas tree, put up the lights, raked the leaves. He is good doing that. Maybe it is less for me, but goes along with his obsessive compulsive personality. Perfectionism.