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When is enough, enough?

steplifesux's picture

My husband and I have been together for 10 yrs, married for just over 7 yrs. My husband had a "fling" ( fling btw is my nice way of saying one night stand with a known bar whore) with a chic that use to hang out in the bar he owned at the time. We started dating not to long after said "fling", he regretted it right away. Later after we had been dating for some time, he heard a rumor she was pg, later after the boy was born, her bf found out it was not his. By this time my husband and I had been together happily for over a yr. When she came to him and asked for a DNA test, my hubby did the right thing. The child was his. We adjusted and my hubby being the man he is took responsibility right away. After a long period of time passed that my husband was only allowed to see his son, at the Bm's home, while she was there. This of coarse became an issue. After my pushing my husband hired and attorney, and gained joint/split custody. Things got better for a little while, until our wedding. Once we got married things got insanely crazy again with her. I started to receive text messages from her after we decided to take a family vacation to FLA, I believe it was the fact that we where taking SS with us. These text had no reference to the child, just about how she planned on ruining our family trip, and of coarse the favor it she likes to use, how my husband is cheating on me with her ( which I know us untrue). She also began texting him, telling him how they should be together as a family and raise there son. During just a few day period of time she sent myself and my hubby more then 200 crazy text. We ended going on our vacation with the children including my SS, and had a lovely time, only to return home to more drama from her. This is just the tip of the crazy iceberg. She attends no school functions for her child, never packs or sends a lunch, never follows through the mandatory volunteer time ( we send the kids to private school) never attends field trips, and never sends the child with materials needed for school. When he doesn't have something he needs for school, school calls me, as she doesn't answer their phone calls or return messages from teachers or school staff. I'm always the one who has to drop what I'm doing and take something to school, do the volunteer time, go on school trips, work lunches, etc..I'm also the only one who does school project with him such as science fair, market day events etc..but yet she walks around as if she is mother of the year. And reminds me at every given chance how SHE IS HIS MOTHER. I buy all his school uniforms (for both households ) I buy all school supplies. None of which we are legally responsible for buying. Now comes the newest issue, being school is out for summer, the exchange for SS is no longer pick up from school, she made a set time of pick up for 1pm, for all of us. We pick up at 1pm on our days, and she is to pick up at 1pm on hers. She chose this time as she was laid off, we reminded her that she would return to work in a couple of weeks and she might want to consider that in the time of pick up..nope she was good with 1pm for all summer long, she "handled" we have always been exactly on time to pick up no matter where she sends us to pick up, always seems to be a different location. My daughter 16 was in a serious car accident and was seriously injured, she is in a wheel chair, and bed bound and will be for several months, so bc of the pick up time for SS being 1pm, we schedule all doctors and other appts around that time, she knows this. And now she is never on time. I wait, I text, I remind her she chose the time, nothing matters to her. So this week I refused to cancel an appt with the specialist and told her according to FOC, we where only required to wait 20 mins past the set pick up time. So at 1:20 pm I left my home with all the children including my SS. I received over 40 messages from her letting me know I had no right to deny her her time. According to FOC they forfeit their time if they can't pick up on time. So I enforced this. My husband while at work at a high stress job got over 60 messages bashing me. I'm a stay at home home/housewife my family is my world. My husband are true happy, and I care for my SS as I do my own. But nothing I do seems to earn me any respect or even common decency with her. She has repeatedly tried to break up my marriage, we don't let her shanaagans affect our marriage, I'm smarter then that. But I do feel beaten by her. I'm tired of always having to be the better person, I'm tired of always having to stuck it up, I'm tired of hearing her spew her nonsense, I'm and I'm tired of every time she doesn't get her way, how my hubby is cheating with her!! When is enough, enough? How much as a step mother, mother and wife must I tolerate. After her not showing up again on time for pick, I feel like she will never change and grow up. I feel like this is what I'm looking at until my SS turns 18, and honestly I'm not sure if emotionally I can keep myself together that long. We have turned her in to police for destroying propriety during one of her summer pick ups ( ran over decorative trees that line our drive) she was charged and had to repay, but that doesn't stop her. The following week when she pulled in at a high rate of speed she almost hit one of our dogs, when she drove out she spun her tires throwing rocks all over the kids playing in the side yard. When she does pick up on time she lays on the horn about a half mile down the road, and doesn't stop until the child gets in her car. My husband has the mind set that if you ignore her she will stop, he very rarely responds to ANY of her text, and when he does have to respond it's usually one word answers. I've asked him to stick up for me and our family but he says, what's the point, he says he doesn't want any contact with her, and is not about to get into a text war with her. He's afraid to truly let her have it, bc he doesn't want to end up back in court as that is also one of her threats. Am I to just continue putting up with all this from her? Is this my life for the next 9 yrs as well? Does anyone out there have any advice? So frustrated and emotionally drained.

Orange County Ca's picture

He blocks her phone. Ask service provide (such as Verizon)for help if needed.

He informs her to use email only and ignores the idiot ones. You don't look at them at all. He consults with you as needed such as a requested change to visitation schedule.

steplifesux's picture

My husband does seem to take the stick his head in the sand approach to her Bs. He was never married or even "dated" her. He owned a bar, and had the male player role for short period. She is the reward for a stupid one night stand he had with her. We didn't find out she had a a kid that was his until we had been together for a yr. I do, do most dealings with her. We at first didn't get my SS all the time like we do now, we changed that and have him 4 days a week one week and 3 days the other. When it was less time at our home she would leave him where ever and with whoever she could. My husband came to me yrs back and wanted us to take him full split as we do now, we both knew it would be what was best for SS. Because of DH work schedule and me being a stay at home Mother, I knew I would be doing the majority of dealing with BM. I'm normally a pretty strong gal, it just seems that after 10 yrs of this, and the medical situation with my BD I feel beat. And if I am being totally honest, I didn't think this BM could keep up this behavior for so many yrs. is it to late for me to back away? School will be starting for our son and SS next week, when school calls bc SS DOESNT have lunch money or packed lunch on BM's day, do I say oh well? Do I not do SS volunteer parent hours? How do I disengage and not feel like I'm taking it out on SS ? Part of me wants to beg DH to sell the house, and move, far away so I don't have to deal with any of it anymore. I wonder how long distance visitation works?

steplifesux's picture

I'm not looking for " praise" or admiration from her, she is incapable of such feelings. But as a person who raises her child as she refuses to do most things for him with school, sports, hair cuts, and I think I'm the only one who has clipped his finger and toe nails is whole life.. I do think respect for that should be given. I'm not looking to be friends with her, I'm not looking for her to like me, idc about any of that. I know I'm the better women, and I know I'm a better mother to her child, and I know one day my SS will look back and know who was always the one there for him. But what I do think I deserve is respect as a human, common decency. Maybe I should stop acting like a lady and give her a taste of her own !

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

You guys have been ignoring her for how many years and it hasn't stopped? I think it's about time your DH gets into gear and take some proactive measures to stop her. Inform her it will be email only from now on. You guys will be sticking to the court order as strongly as possible and if need be, clarify any of the vague things like getting to choose drop off and pick up time and if she doesn't make it, whoop dee doo. Too bad. She can't be an adult, she loses the right to have any room to negotiate so have a new ironclad CO drawn up dictating all times and manner of communication. If she continues, send her a cease and desist letter and if she doesn't stop, file charges for harrassment. From now on, a neutral location will be used for pick up and drop off, because she poses a danger to other people in the neighborhood. Pick one that has cameras.

Block her number, get your SS a cell phone if she NEEDS to talk to him (and even that's too nice IMO). And have your hubby, if he has the balls to, nip this shit in the bud!

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

Step back n say to yourself ~ I don't do crazy !!!

Pretend you are a parked car n she is the crazy ass dog barking at the parked car. Give her no fuel ~ don't give her any energy. She's a lunatic ~ let her do her crazy n just smile.

Dialogue in your head " you are one crazy ass bitch, you wonder why you are alone " men don't marry or stay with crazy.

AllySkoo's picture

Yeah, I can see that disengaging isn't really in the cards for you. In addition to the fact that you're a SAHM, it also sounds like you care about SS and besides, HE'S not the problem!

Honestly, I think what you need to do is research parallel parenting. Limit contact with BM as much as possible (and that means she doesn't even have your phone number if you can swing that AT ALL - email ONLY, or give her the number for a cheap pre-pay that you only turn on if YOU need to talk to HER). Yeah, if the school calls you then you end up picking up her slack because it's for SS - but you should never have to deal with BM directly.

Get some video of her doing that crap - the driving, her going nuts, whatever you can. Save her vicious texts. Check and see if you live in a single-party recording state, and if you do (ie, if it's legal for you to record conversations without her knowledge), then do that. Get as much documentation as you can and then go back to court - go for full custody if you want it, and a lawyer thinks you can get it. Get a No Contact order at least.

If BM is the problem, you need to find ways to cut off contact with her as completely as possible.