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Having a series of issues going on these days.

steplifesux's picture

Submitted by steplifesux on Sun, 01/10/2016 - 10:38am

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Hi All,
I've got multiple issues going on these days, that are eating away at me..
My husband and I have been married for 9 years, together for 11 ( off and on for the 2 yrs prior to marriage) one of our "off" periods resulted in my step son. So needless to say I have been in my 10 yr old SS life from the day he was born. I promise it has been tough! I have two children myself from previous relationship, a daughter 18 who's a senior and a 13 yr old son who has he's own challenges with being Autistic. My husband has adopted my son but not my daughter ( as she was older and has a good relationship with her bio dad. ) okay, now that you have a basic run down of our family dinamics..ill get to the current issues..
We have legal joint custody of skid, we have him equal split throughout the week. Which is a lot. My DH has a demanding job, and I'm a stay at home mom, so much of the child care (about 85%) falls to me. We have all kids in private school, which has no bussing, so I drive both ways daily. On bio moms days she or rather her parents provide skid transportation. But all other school related things fall to me as she refuses to be active in school. My SS is sneaky, lies constantly, is disrespectful to me when DH isn't around to see or hear it. We are strict parents ( at least to the full time kids in the home) as the same rules never seem to apply to skid. For example we've had a standing rule in our home..no cell phones until age 13. My daughter had to wait until 13, our son had to wait until 13 ( which he turned and still had to wait 5 months) step sons biomom got him a cell phone ( again he's 10) and sent it with him to our home. We went against our own house rule and allowed him to have it bc he was the only one without one ( DH's idea) the first day he was here with the phone, he snuck it to school (big no no in our home) then lied about it when asked, DH NEVER said a word to him about it. Day 2 same thing, snuck it to school, and lied when asked..again DH NEVER said a word ( he's also using his phone to report to biomom on EVERYTHING that goes on in our house, where we go, what we do, etc) If that would have been my daughter or our son, I promise shit would of hit the fan. When one of my children do something wrong, my DH is the first one to jump all over it, but when his son does something, nothing is ever done and most of the time it even goes unremarked about. This child is truly a Eddie Haskell type for those of you old enough to know who that is. I'm fed up with skid being treated as a golden child and the other children in the home being treated as though they are in a military camp. Where is the balance ? I cannot parent like this. I go out of my way to treat skid fairly and equally with the other kids. I have made my little comments to DH about this but he still says nothing to skid.
Now onto what I see as the most major problem, as I said earlier in my post our 13yo son is Autistic, he copes pretty good much of the time, but now my skid has taken to bulliying him. I check their social network sites on a regular basis to make sure they aren't putting themselves into danger, and I came across a messaging feed between skid and his biomom, the entire feed was about how my son is retarded ( a word not allowed in our house, btw) this message feed started off with biomom asking if our son was jealous about him having a cell phone now and not having to wait to be 13 like our son did and how he should brag about it..then went on to say how his step brother ( which technically he's a half brother bc of adoption) is probably "to retarded to work a phone" I was so hurt and wanted to delete these messages but didn't bc I wanted DH to SEE for himself, meanwhile my son was charging his iPad and needed to use skid's to complete some homework, he always ask before using something of someone's and I told him to go ahead, not realizing that the messages had not been closed out. My son read all these messages about him!! Heartbreaking. I talked with my DH later that night when he got home from work, showed him the messages, went on my rant..about it. He promised he would have a talk with his son..but NEVER did.
I'm so fed up with the lack of punishment this child gets. I just don't know what to do anymore. Bc of this my feelings for this child are being affected! I despise even having to look at him. His biomom is manipulating and vindictive and I've tried so hard to be kind, loving and understanding with him so he would learn those values instead of hers, but obviously nurture vs nature is not true. He acts just like her! Please, if anyone has any advice..I'm all ears. I really feel that if this is left to continue as it has, my marriage will be in trouble, and I'm not about to allow my child to be bullied by his brother in his own home. He will have to deal with bullies his entire life, home should always be a safe place.

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Sun, 01/10/2016 - 11:02am

My first response would be to give mom absolute hell for messing with my kid. If husband didn't act ASAP, I'd give him his walking papers as well.

BM and husband are both hurting your child. BM by encouraging SS's behavior and husband by ignoring it. You have to protect him from both of those toxic people.

notasm3's picture

Submitted by notasm3 on Sun, 01/10/2016 - 11:07am

Ditto.

If a neighbor child was being horrible to your child wouldn't you step in and tell him to stop. Yes - your DH should be the one to discipline him but you do not have to sit back and ignore horrid behavior.

KittyKatMomma's picture

Submitted by KittyKatMomma on Sun, 01/10/2016 - 11:05am

I have a DD11 who's autistic.
My sd is 14.
A few years back we went through this as well.

I didn't wait for DH to handle.
I handled it myself.

SD14 was talking shit on my child to her stepsister.
So BM had no clue (they were facetiming)

I lit into SD14 hardcore-yes I even made her cry-then called BM and explained why SD was loosing her phone while in our house. Bm was very mortified-came to our house-confiscated the phone and Bm took her home with her.

The punishment was a written apology,not only to my daughter but to me.
She had to a report on bullying and did some community service by helping out at an event BM took her to-that dealt with SN children.

Sorry but your SS is an @$$hole along with his mother for treating your son like this. There was no reason for her to involve your son.

steplifesux's picture

Submitted by steplifesux on Sun, 01/10/2016 - 1:40pm

Yes my DH DOES HAVE legal joint custody ! And has had for 7 yrs of this kids life. And as long as we have rules in our home, such as a 10 yro having a Fb or other social networking it will be monitored. Skid has always been able to contact biomom if he wanted, we have a home phone. And she has NEVER called him on it ever, she has never bothered to contact him while he is with us, not even on his bday. So that is NOT the issue at hand. Maybe you should should reread the oringal post. And regardless of what you think, no child should be allowed to call their sibling hurtful names without a consequence.

steplifesux's picture

Submitted by steplifesux on Sun, 01/10/2016 - 6:11pm

In our home it is WE. Especially since I'm the primary care giver to the kids including skid.
So, your saying that a biomom promoting her child to speak of another child ( his sibling) that way is okay?! Really!
As far as I'm concerned they can have any kind of conversation they want when he's in her home, but not in mine. On the iPad I provided him with on top of it! I'm trying to keep the kid from becoming a psychopath here!

steplifesux's picture

Submitted by steplifesux on Sun, 01/10/2016 - 1:25pm

Thank you.!
Yes, I've talked to him many times. I even asked him why he would go through with adopting my bio son if he still planned on treating all the kids differently? He doesn't think that he does...but everyone sees it expect him. My family, our friends..
I don't want people to think I didn't stand up for DS.. I did in my own way, instead of losing my shit on skid or DH, I sat my son down, and talked to him about how people can be. I chose to use this as a life lesson, because unfortunately I know he will continue to encounter this type of thing all his life. I want him to learn that what other people say does not need to be his truth! If that makes sense. ?!
When my DH seen the messages he acted very upset, said it made him sick to his stomach, said that he didn't really think it was his sons fault bc biomom egged it on, but it was clear in the messages, biomom did start the conversation off but skid jumped right on that boat! Another thing I didn't mention in my post, is that skid10 is always telling DS that DH is really he's step dad, and not he's real dad. Even though he has been adopted. It's always "my dad this my dad that" I've noticed that skid tries to butt into conversations with DH and I, if we're walking holding hands skid will push me out of the way by stepping on my feet so he can walk next to his dad.
When I talk to DH about any of this, he acts like he thinks SS might feel insecure bc he's the only child not here in our home full time. My DH has what I call ostrich syndrome..stick his head in a hole and pretend the problem is not there. This problem is just continuing to grow though, I've watched bloom and get bigger over the years. I feel is I keep tells no DH to punish his kid, DH will think it's just bc I've grown to not like skid ( which I don't) but our family revolves around the skid..we don't vacation unless skid goes, we hold off doing family things until it's skids weekend here, meanwhile I'm suppose to parent equally ? We have skid half the week ( every week) and every other weekend, so there's nothing fun going on unless skid gets to be here? How do I make DH see what he's doing?

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Sun, 01/10/2016 - 1:38pm

He adopted your son, but unfortunately, he still views him as nothing more than a SK.

It's interesting that you and your family are the ones who see how he treats your son. What about his family? If they (husband included)truly embraced your son as family, why aren't they calling him out on this?

steplifesux's picture

Submitted by steplifesux on Sun, 01/10/2016 - 1:44pm

Unfortunately my DH doesn't see his family very often ( his parents have retired and moved south) when we do see them it's holidays or other family gatherings where of coarse everyone is on their best behaviors. But I have to say THEY treat all the kids the same, as far as gifts or things go. My family sees bc they live close to us, and I'm extremely close with my family.

steplifesux's picture

Submitted by steplifesux on Sun, 01/10/2016 - 1:25pm

Thank you.!
Yes, I've talked to him many times. I even asked him why he would go through with adopting my bio son if he still planned on treating all the kids differently? He doesn't think that he does...but everyone sees it expect him. My family, our friends..
I don't want people to think I didn't stand up for DS.. I did in my own way, instead of losing my shit on skid or DH, I sat my son down, and talked to him about how people can be. I chose to use this as a life lesson, because unfortunately I know he will continue to encounter this type of thing all his life. I want him to learn that what other people say does not need to be his truth! If that makes sense. ?!
When my DH seen the messages he acted very upset, said it made him sick to his stomach, said that he didn't really think it was his sons fault bc biomom egged it on, but it was clear in the messages, biomom did start the conversation off but skid jumped right on that boat! Another thing I didn't mention in my post, is that skid10 is always telling DS that DH is really he's step dad, and not he's real dad. Even though he has been adopted. It's always "my dad this my dad that" I've noticed that skid tries to butt into conversations with DH and I, if we're walking holding hands skid will push me out of the way by stepping on my feet so he can walk next to his dad.
When I talk to DH about any of this, he acts like he thinks SS might feel insecure bc he's the only child not here in our home full time. My DH has what I call ostrich syndrome..stick his head in a hole and pretend the problem is not there. This problem is just continuing to grow though, I've watched bloom and get bigger over the years. I feel is I keep tells no DH to punish his kid, DH will think it's just bc I've grown to not like skid ( which I don't) but our family revolves around the skid..we don't vacation unless skid goes, we hold off doing family things until it's skids weekend here, meanwhile I'm suppose to parent equally ? We have skid half the week ( every week) and every other weekend, so there's nothing fun going on unless skid gets to be here? How do I make DH see what he's doing?

steplifesux's picture

Submitted by steplifesux on Sun, 01/10/2016 - 1:26pm

Thank you.!
Yes, I've talked to him many times. I even asked him why he would go through with adopting my bio son if he still planned on treating all the kids differently? He doesn't think that he does...but everyone sees it expect him. My family, our friends..
I don't want people to think I didn't stand up for DS.. I did in my own way, instead of losing my shit on skid or DH, I sat my son down, and talked to him about how people can be. I chose to use this as a life lesson, because unfortunately I know he will continue to encounter this type of thing all his life. I want him to learn that what other people say does not need to be his truth! If that makes sense. ?!
When my DH seen the messages he acted very upset, said it made him sick to his stomach, said that he didn't really think it was his sons fault bc biomom egged it on, but it was clear in the messages, biomom did start the conversation off but skid jumped right on that boat! Another thing I didn't mention in my post, is that skid10 is always telling DS that DH is really he's step dad, and not he's real dad. Even though he has been adopted. It's always "my dad this my dad that" I've noticed that skid tries to butt into conversations with DH and I, if we're walking holding hands skid will push me out of the way by stepping on my feet so he can walk next to his dad.
When I talk to DH about any of this, he acts like he thinks SS might feel insecure bc he's the only child not here in our home full time. My DH has what I call ostrich syndrome..stick his head in a hole and pretend the problem is not there. This problem is just continuing to grow though, I've watched bloom and get bigger over the years. I feel is I keep tells no DH to punish his kid, DH will think it's just bc I've grown to not like skid ( which I don't) but our family revolves around the skid..we don't vacation unless skid goes, we hold off doing family things until it's skids weekend here, meanwhile I'm suppose to parent equally ? We have skid half the week ( every week) and every other weekend, so there's nothing fun going on unless skid gets to be here? How do I make DH see what he's doing?

WTF...REALLY's picture

Submitted by WTF...REALLY on Sun, 01/10/2016 - 1:57pm

Kids who talk like that need to be shut down. Can't believe you think a kid should have the right to talk like that to his mom HRNCY. :O

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Sun, 01/10/2016 - 1:27pm

I agree, the kid can say whatever he wants to his home. But when that something is something vile about her son, the OP can (and should) give the kid and both of his parents pure hell.

WTF...REALLY's picture

Submitted by WTF...REALLY on Sun, 01/10/2016 - 1:54pm

I would print out that message feed. Then I would send a copy of it to the school and to the BM. I would let the school know they need to be on the lookout for SS bulling your son. And I would let the school know BM encourages it. In the letter I would send BM, it would state that the school has been informed of the situation and that if this type of communication continues, then all computer access will be taken away from SS as well as the phone. You will not let SS have ways of communicating with BM in hate. She sees him 50% of the time, they will be fine not talking for a couple of days. I also would let her know you are saving this for court should this continue.

I am a mama bear. No one would mess with my kid without ME doing something about it. So sorry your son is going thru this with a crappy half twit brother.

steplifesux's picture

Submitted by steplifesux on Mon, 01/11/2016 - 9:59am

Well today ends our 5 day parenting time with SS., he goes to BM's today until Wednesday and DH has a early day for work. I've arranged for my DD18 to pick up DS from school so DH and I can have a chat. It was a horrid weekend around here, and I think I've been pushed to my breaking point. Ya, know a year and half ago I would be the one sticking up for SS when he acted out in school, or was mouthy with someone, I would blame it on his age, or the fact the kid is shuffled back and forth between parents that can't speak to one another, but the tides have turned and so has his behavior, I obviously no longer make excuses for him with other people. And my DH still has his blinders on when it comes to this child. I just dont get it, I have a older SS 25 as well, he's a great young man, and we have a really good relationship, he wasn't raised or allowed to pull half the crap that SS 10 is allowed to. Granted they have different BM's and BM one, might be greedy but she's a good mother, she's my DHs ex wife, and I can actually get along well with her. SS25 was raised strict and with the same rules we are raising the other children with, so I just don't get why this is going on with SS10.
And as far as BM2 goes, I really think the reason that pump and dump encourages the bully crap against my son, is bc she herself is jealous of the adoption. I know for a fact that she continues to tell my SS that my son his "just" a step brother and his Dad is not really his Dad, I've been dealing with that for awhile now, and I just continue to reinforce the truth. My DH husband is the one who asked to adopt my son, he had been acting as Dad since my son was a 2yo.
So today, after thinking on it most of the weekend, I'm goning to lay it all out for DH, I will no longer tolerate this in my own home. I'm hoping to resolve some of this, but if not I have a plan prepared. I'm just hoping I don't have to go that route. I truly love my DH, and our way of life. Sadly the only thing we actually agrue about is SS, or BM. And if my DH would stop treating SS as if he was a golden child exempt from all household rules, and allowed to act however he wants, we wouldn't be arguing about this either Sad I've watched this kids behavior spiral over the last yr and a half. I've watched him turn into a manipulative, deceitful, conniving , little troll, who always has to be the center of DH's attention, without DH correcting, or disciplining his actions I truly believe it will only get worse.