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Needy, Manipulative BioMom

ScaredIam2Young4This's picture

Hey Everyone-

First, I want to say how absolutely and entirely relieved I am to have stumbled across these forums. A little background on my situation. I'm 28, with no bio kids of my own and I'm in a committed non-married relationship with my partner (he's 39). He has 3 kids from his former relationship, 9, 14, & 21. His ex has primary custody of the kids (9 & 14) and the 21 year old lives with us half the week while he's trying to get his new job up and running. We met two years ago when my partner, J, was getting out his previous relationship. They were separated, dating other people, not living together, etc. I met BM, we got along ok at first. She wanted to have lunch, chat, be friends, blah. Then, everything changed when J went through a serious surgery. Because they weren't legally divorced, she claimed I had no rights to be there during the surgery, she demanded he recover at the house they co-owned (he didn't live there) and that I only be there when she wasn't around. It was the beginning of the end our she and I having anything amicable between us. She started talking badly about me in front of the kids, demanded that they never text or call me when they were with her and generally ignoring my existence in general. She started telling mutual friends that I was a "fling" and that J had changed since meeting me and didn't know him anymore.

I was devastated. Not that I wanted to be friends, but she knew the drill going into this thing, she had 3 boyfriends for Pete's sake when I met her. Now, it's two years late, and J & I live together and have the kids for 2 weeks of every month and we see them one standing night each week (at her house, long story). She still won't acknowledge me, except on the rarest occasions and calls J for the most annoying things. Her car breaks down, so she calls him at 8:30 am. WTF is he supposed to do? We live in another state and have I mentioned, she has yet ANOTHER boyfriend. It's like she just can't let go of the relationship that they used to have. J has told me that she "just wants to be able to talk, you know, be friends" but to me it seems way out of line. I would never call one of my exes to "just chat"...This whole situation is compounded by the fact the he still owns the house that she lives in. They're trying to sell it (he is anyway) and she just won't help do any of the things that need to be done to get it ready to go on the market. I'm convinced that the only way that she'll "get it" is when that house is gone and she's moved into a place that is all her own, but I still can't get through the daily nonsense. She texts and calls constantly to talk about random things, not just kid stuff and I'm not allowed to be part of any of it. My SD14 just got accepted into the National Honor Society (i helped her with her community service and encouraged her to apply) and I'm not allowed to go to the reception because BM is "uncomfortable". She tells J that she doesn't mind seeing him, but seeing us together, she just can't handle. Same thing for SD9's dance recital next month. I just don't get it. She'll take my money, my time, use me for a babysitter, but will not acknowledge me at all. I'm not asking for a thank you, but I'm just asking for her to respect that I exist and I'm doing good things for her kids lives. They're grades are better, they're eating real meals, they have clean clothes and shoes without holes, and SD9 finally DOESN"T have head lice (she's just a rotten mother honestly, totally wrapped up in her own world: bfs, friends, partying)...

It kills me every time we send the kids home to her because I know that the next visit will take 2 days of adjusting them back to our rules, limited TV time, eating at the dinner table, cleaning up after themselves...

I literally have know idea what I'm doing, but I feel like I'm doing the best I can. I give until I feel like my arms are going to fall off. I know how much the kids appreciate me and love me. I get the cuddles, the snuggles, the I love yous when they're with us, but as soon as BM appears, it's like I don't exist anymore. I know they're struggling with where I fit in their lives, but BM doesn't help the situation by talking so much shit when they're around.

I keep telling my Partner that I wish we could all just be adults and do what's best for the kids and he agrees, but he just doesn't have the balls to say to BM what needs to be said. I think he needs to tell her to Fuck Off honestly. She wants them to be "friends". They can be civil, cordial, friendly even, but the quasi-intimacy she's demanding just makes me feel like second fiddle. He rants about her to me when she's being completely crazy and believe me I understand and sympathize, but they when he talks to her, he doesn't say any of those things...

Ugh...I just, I wish I knew how to make myself feel differently.

ScaredIam2Young4This's picture

Thanks for the welcome, it feels like a one two punch in some ways! LOL.

Is there a good way for me to explain the thing about the stupid calls. I feel like when I say something, I'm being bitchy and demanding. I'm just not sure how to explain why it's such an issue without sounding selfish.

ScaredIam2Young4This's picture

They are, but they still own the house together. It's the last bastion of they're relationship.

New second wife-step-mom's picture

Someone on here made the statement once "That they were tired of spouses (or DH) using the excuse that they have children together to keep unappropriate relationships going" or something to that effect.

I totally agree and have used that line with my DH several times. The only way he finally got it was to threaten to start calling my Ex-lover (tall, very handsome and wealthy) and just chat. "But you don't have kids together, that is not acceptable" and "neither is it acceptable for you to call your Ex-lover and just chat". "I don't care if you have 12 children together and was together for 50 years". Get it!!!!

Your partner should be using email, limit the conversations AND only talking about the children!

New second wife-step-mom's picture

And another thing, if you are in a serious, committed relationship why is he letting his EX dictate to what events you are allowed to attend? I don't care how comfortable or uncomfortable it would make her. Get over it!!!

If he is not serious and committed to you, what are you doing taking care of his kids for his (and her) convenience?

If your partner does not let you go to these events with him I would stop doing EVERYTHING and ANYTHING for his children!!! Until he has a change of heart about these 2 really big problems in your relationship.

Forget the "She just wants to be friends" business, she is wanting to have control and no boundaries with your partner.

ScaredIam2Young4This's picture

Wow, I never really thought about that before. I figured he was just trying to be non-confrontational for the sake of keeping peace, but you're right. We are totally committed (I just don't buy into marriage honestly) and do everything else related to the kids on our side of the world together.

But you're right about the control/boundaries. I think sometimes I'm just too nice about the situation because I can see how stressful it is for the kids and quite frankly I hate evening talking about his ex--it's like it gives her some kind of weird power over my life by even saying her name.

And as far as the ex dictating what I am and am not allowed to be at, it makes me crazy and I tell him constantly that she needs to just get over it...but, sigh, he just doesn't say the things to her that he says to me. He'll be all assertive and certain when he talks to me about it, but when he talks to her, he wilts. She's kryptonite.

New second wife-step-mom's picture

^^^^^ EXACTLY. If she makes a fool of herself once you are there, it is on her not you. Hold your head up high and act like a respectable lady.

New second wife-step-mom's picture

Dear Scared, I have heard that whole non-confrontational/keeping peace argument. I don't buy into it.

Keep treating those kids good and don't ever have these conversations with your partner in front of the kids.

Sounds like she has alot of power over your and his life right now. Why let it continue?.

Be careful that your partner is not just saying to you what he thinks you want to hear and than does the same to BM...

ScaredIam2Young4This's picture

Biggrin Thank ladies! I'm going to take your advice. I'm the head bitch in charge these days and she needs to know it Smile

ScaredIam2Young4This's picture

UPDATE!

Hey ladies, I wanted to give you an update. I had "it out" so to speak with J last night about BM. I told him that I she was no longer going to be able to decide where I was or wasn't going to be able to be because of all the reasons we've discussed and that in order for us to move forward, he needs to have a serious come to Jesus talk with her--no more of this keeping the peace crap.

He was totally receptive! It was awesome! I feel so much better and tonight, we're going to SD9's clarinet concert together. He told BM that I'd be there with him and that she'd just have to figure it out. SD9 asked me last night if I was coming and I told her I wasn't sure. When she asked me why I told her that BM doesn't always like to be around me because she's sad that her and Daddy aren't together anymore and it's hard for her to see me. SD9 said, well, how about Mommy sits next to SD14 and Daddy sits next to you. It'll be fine, you have to be there! When I told J that, he told me he couldn't let BM do this to his girls anymore! I'm a bit nervous, but so excited as well.

Score one for the Stepmom!

xxx!

luchay's picture

Oh second that! Sit as far away from her as possible and ignore her existence!

(having said that LOL as BM to my kids, my EXH and his new GF came to our girls dance concert 5 months after they met, which was 2 weeks after we split up, they moved in together 3 months after we split up! - irrelevant but def. OMG. So, they came and sat next to me at the concert, she had a friend there as well, and wanted to introduce me to her friend, chat with me and have MY kids sit on HER lap when they weren't dancing. Some SM's DO overstep LOL - and as a BM and a SM I straddle the fence on a lot of this stuff - but this woman needs to learn her place! She also wanted to bathe my girls - who are 6 and 9 FFS, OK miss 6 needs help rinsing out the shampoo and conditioner, but that should be me or her dad - not this woman who he barely knows!! He asked me when they moved in together where she can buy them bath toys like the ones we have... alarm bells for me! I cornered him about it and he said she wants to bath the girls... HELLLLLOOOOO - you've known her 3 months, and you are letting her touch my kids naked and intimately? I DO NOT THINK SO HONEY - talk about a crazy BM rant that day LOL He said I need to respect his judgement... NO - I need to make sure my kids are safe. Perhaps if you had known her for years before wanting this I would be ok with it (perhaps!) but 3 months? My job is to keep my kids safe not pander to you and the new GF)