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For the "ours" crowd...

Thetis's picture

I'm not upset.

That being said have any of you women who have, or are having, kids with your Dh worried that you may end up in the same boat as the BM?

I know, I'm not an immature brat but sometimes when me and Dh fight, or even just talk, I get this pang of anxiety because it seems like he will never understand me. Just like he never understood her. He doesn't see the importance in things that I place high importance on. He doesn't understand how hard it is to be reminded everyother weekend that the "fling" his teenaged self left me for got to be the mother of his frist child. He doesn't understand how it feels when he wants to go out with the same crowd that pushed me away before. I know, we were 18 and 19. I know that he has learned and grown. However it still scares me when he expects me to blindly trust him like I did before. We did break up before he slept with her, but we broke up because she was calling and saying abunch of stuff to make me jealous and controlling.

It hurts to lose the love of your life then take his next fling (your friends little sister) to the hospital to be tested for a STI. Then hear a month or two later that she is pregnant. Isn't Chlmydia scarey enough to make you wrap it up?

He asked me last night if I wished he never had a kid. He didn't like my answer. I think I got good reasons for it. Even if they are 5 years old.

I don't want to end up like her, or even be lumped into the same pile as her. Why wont he just marry me already? Why do I have to feel like I'm the mother to his second born bastard?

Comments

Pantera's picture

Sweetie, if you are feeling like this, why would you want to marry this man? Have you guys tried counseling? You need to move on from the past if you want a future.

"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus

Pantera's picture

I know all about having moments, lol!!! Im glad it is getting better.

"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus

HennyPen's picture

He shouldn't expect you to blindly trust him, because you can't. Trust is one of those things, that even when you rebuild it isn't the same. It will never be the same, that's why it's called rebuilding, not reinstated. Maybe it'll get better in counselling but never be that blind, innocent trust you had before.

I am sorry you are having a rough day with it today. Sad And you are allowed to have your moments..we all do!

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... why would you feel worthless and weak? You gave everything, your entire heart.. giving it to him. To truly give your heart, your trust, is taking the bravest of all risks--C.Young

Thetis's picture

It just sucks, because I want him to be able to go out with his friends and have a good time without me being at home worried.

The counsellor caught me and called me on this but I actually set FDh up, hoping he'll disprove my fears. Like Bm's sister's Bday. All his guy friends were there and it was on an evening where he had to work the next day. I asked him to be home at a reasonable hour and not be too drunk. He failed. The counsellor asked him why he didn't at least call and Fdh said it was because he lost track of time. Well I know how that can happen after a few drinks but it really sucks that it had to happen that time. I really wanted him to prove my fears irrational, and I told him that before he went.

HennyPen's picture

I know my counselor once told me...don't believe what he says, believe what he does. Not that he is cheating, but he isn't taking in to consideration how difficult this is for you. I honestly give you credit because my relationship didn't make it after my Ex had an affair, we did counseling and tried but he'd say all the right things and turn around and prove me wrong again. I'd rebuild a little trust and he'd break it again. like a vase that was constantly being broken, eventually you can't fix it. He has to work at it too, he has to want you to trust him. He has to show you he wants you to trust him and that takes time and effort on HIS part.

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... why would you feel worthless and weak? You gave everything, your entire heart.. giving it to him. To truly give your heart, your trust, is taking the bravest of all risks--C.Young

Thetis's picture

Well thats the thing. It wasn't really an affair. Bm is just really good at manipulating people and she figured me out right away. She literally drove me crazy with ideas that dh was saying things. I freaked and went super controlling on him. I did not want him to go out with out me PERIOD. That doesn't fly with a 19 year old lol. But once she got me out of the picture it was easy for her. And he had NO clue what was going on.

HennyPen's picture

Isn't that still a trust issue though? She may have started it with her sabotage, but he fulfilled her goal. Not that he should pay for that forever, because it's trust of not letting your relationship getting destroyed again by someone else. If it started with friends, and the crowds he was circling in, of course you'll be somewhat anxious. History has tendancy to repeat itself, and your afraid that'll happen again. Who could blame you there.. I would think he would be willing to give a little...remember to call you to check in if he's out...take in to consideration you were home alone while he was out partying. It just sounds like he is somewhat selfish..doesn't want to see what your feeling or take the extra initiave to reassure you to help you feel more comfortable and safe in the relationship. If you are in counselling he obviously knows your having trust issues. Does he not see your side of it? Or not want to?

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... why would you feel worthless and weak? You gave everything, your entire heart.. giving it to him. To truly give your heart, your trust, is taking the bravest of all risks--C.Young

Thetis's picture

He sees it until the beer goggles go on. He knows what I'm dealing with. It doesn't help that only his best friend understand where I am coming from. His bestfriend is great! He has actually called me to tell me that Dh has fallen asleep on the couch and probably wont be home when he said he would. Now thats a great friend! But these other people just don't get it. They say he did nothing wrong. Ick.

HennyPen's picture

yeah, that is a good friend of his to call you and put some of your fears to rest. Keep up the counseling and hopefully this will just be a rough patch in your history together!

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... why would you feel worthless and weak? You gave everything, your entire heart.. giving it to him. To truly give your heart, your trust, is taking the bravest of all risks--C.Young

herewegoagain's picture

Hmmm...if you aren't pregnant, I would really try to fix things before you have any kids...having them does NOT solve these issues...Believe me, I was ready to walk out when I found out I was pregnant...(I did not TRY to get pregnant, I had been told for over 15yrs by my OBGYN that I could NOT get pregnant because of a tumor I had...the tumor magically disappeared and no doctor could ever explain it to me...)

Anyway, think long and hard before you do...

After I was pregnant, I didn't think that would happen until DHs evil sister called me while pregnant to tell me that HE WOULD SOON DUMP ME because I was no better than his ex...sigh...that was over 9yrs ago

Thetis's picture

I'm 6 1/2 months pregnant. We were trying for a baby.

I know I make him sound terrible with this but really he is getting alot better. I just have my moments where I'm afraid that alot better isn't enough and I'm going to end up like the Bm, single and just trying to figure it all out.