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Not even prego and already worried

staying calm's picture

I guess it's normal for mom's to be to worry. Worry about what will happen, will the baby be ok, will we have the money we need, how will life will change for everyone and things like that. But I think stepmothers have added worry. Mine is soon to be 8, and an all the time pain. DH and I really want to have kids. He has one, I have none. We were married in May, and are working on it every spare minute! We are both very excited. SD8 doesn't know about our plans. I don't think it's any of her business at this point, and she certainly doesn't get a say in those kinds of decisions so why would we tell her. I'm not even pregnant yet.

Last weekend we went to my parents house, like we do every weekend. My siblings and their kids were all there. SD8 is older than all of my nieces and nephews by 3 years. So you can imagine my embarrassment when she was fighting with my 5 year old nephew. Fighting over a toy that he brought from his house. She was literally on top of him, trying to pry it out of his hands. Later the same day she took a book away from someone else and was going to rip a page out, until that child's mother saw what was going on and told SD8 to stop and leave the kid alone.

This got me thinking about MY children. God willing we'll start having our own pretty soon, and I can only imagine the things that she will be doing to my own kid. So far SD8 is pretty normal, spoiled, out of control, sassy.... but a baby might just send her over the edge into the world that I read about from some of you and think "thank god that's not me"! I guess I'm a little worried about it. I would talk to DH, but what do I say? "Hey your kid is kind of a brat, and I'm worried what's going to happen with her when we have a kid of our own."? The thought of her holding a baby makes me want to faint! I am just seeing issue after issue that he and I are going to have out before a baby is ever born.

Has anyone treaded these water's before?

Jif46's picture

Oh yes...I have. I have 3 SKIDs. I remember getting pregnant and crying A LOT when they were around...was worried about everything and how they would accept him or treat him. Surprisingly the 8 year old girl was super excited and wanted it to be a girl...That was her first disappointment but no biggy. Once she finally saw him and held him I think she fell in love...The major issue was her dealing with the fact that the new baby gets to see her dad every day and she doesnt. My SD4 however is a different story...She is SUCH a bully and fights with him, takes toys from him, blocks him from going into certain places in the house...UGH! I watch her like a hawk. He is 18 months old! He sat down on her lap while she was sitting on the floor and she got up quick and knocked him to the ground...I WAS PISSED. I WOULD DEF have a chat with your DH, tell him your major concerns and let him deal with the discipline. He needs to discipline and should have when she took that boy's toy away. Its not right. My DH puts his foot down and yells when he has to. We actually went thru a few months of therapy to prepare ourselves for the what ifs. Good luck! Its so hard to deal with unruly older children. I GET IT! Trust me...

Anon2009's picture

I have.

I think a lot of it has to do with what is going on at BM's house. What kind of a parent is she? Does SD reside with you or BM?

I also think a lot of it has to do with biology. I feel that divorce can really have a permanent, negative effect on healthy parent-child relationship dynamics, and continuing to develop them. Kids whose parents are divorced are often overlooked, leaned on too much by the parent for support, basically given spousal status, or all of those things together. Don't get me wrong, it happens in intact families too, but it seems to happen far less with them.

Which leads me to more questions. What was DH's parenting style like before he met you? Has he made any changes in his parenting style, or has he kept going down the parenting path the way he was before?

What are SDs parents doing to help her learn healthy ways to cope with her anger and aggressive nature?

Jif46's picture

Actually they live a very normal lifestyle. She is a great mom I think...she put SD10 in therapy right when the seperation happened 3 years ago. She is STILL in therapy which I personally do not think is healthy. Its becoming a crutch and making her weak. I don't think BM leans on any of them but I dont know her. We have seen each other a handful of times but DH and BM do not talk. His parenting style has not changed...he does let them get away with a little more now that he sees them less which i get frustrated by. As for the SD3 I have NO idea what BM is doing to help her. I know DH will yell at her and tell her that he is a baby and she cant treat him like that. She gets it but it doesnt always stick and she will do some bullying again. I even tried the opposite approach. My son (again,18 months)tried taking a stroller she was playing with and she wouldnt let go of it. Normally I would say let him have it, he doesnt know any better and will be done with it in a couple of minutes. This time I told him no and to share and to let her have it and he bugged and cried but I didnt give in. Its the only way he will learn and it also let her know that I was on her side (for once)....

inwayovermyhead's picture

I think and worry about the same thing! My BF has 50/50 timesharing and I worry that the situation would be very unstable/confusing for any bios I may have with BF. Having older kids, one with severe special needs, come in and out of the house almost every other day does not seem ideal for any child, let alone a baby/toddler/preschooler who thrives on stability and structure. If the time were to come I think I would ask BF to try to change the time sharing with the skids (who will be in or close to their teens by then) to EOW. I know BM will not agree through as she would prefer to have them only EOW now and they are young (9 and 11 years old). It is very upsetting to think that BM will indirectly control my own children's home life. :sick:

Orange County Ca's picture

It's a crap shoot - there's no other way to say it. Like the one Mom above said one kid wants to play Mommy and another wants to rip a arm off. There is no way you or your husband can fully predict.

I would tell the kid you're going to have a baby and see the reaction. If its negative I'd rethink the whole situation which means if you want kids you'll need a different father with all that intails.

My generic advise is don't bring another kid into a step-child mix. In fact my advise goes further back - don't marry into a step-child situation unless you've got children of your own and don't want to bring a childless man into that situation. I.e. don't marry unless you've both got children and can share the pain of each others kids.

Find a guy without children and start a family from scratch - you'll be a lot happier. I know this will fall on deaf ears because you've got your dream family all mapped out and would hate to start over but your gut is saying - wait a minute - and you should listen to it.

Jif46's picture

SO SMART!!! I wish I did this years ago...but I found my soulmate so what can ya do...

christinen's picture

^^^^^ Orange County, you really should write a book!

Staying Calm--- My DH has a soon to be 5 year old girl and I have no kids of my own. I soooooo want a child of my own. Being a stepmom sucks and in no way, shape or form is having a skid even comparable to having your own flesh and blood child. DH and I got married in April but we have been having problems (go figure) so I have held off on getting pregnant. It's pretty bad when you're deciding between pregnancy and divorce but I guess that's the life of a stepmom Sad

I worry a lot about how DH and SD and the in laws will treat my baby.. will SD still be spoiled and favored by them? Will the 50/50 living arrangement make everything awkward? We all know it's unstable but will everything become worse when another child is in the mix? Not having my own child is not an option.. that would definitely be a deal breaker.. Just not sure if DH is the right person to have that child with..