Please let me if I am wrong here... but does an ex family belong at the reception when you marry again??!!???
Had an argument, again, today about the ex family situation. I thought we had put this one to bed, but, as many of you know these issues come back again and again like a rash!
Anyway, I am getting married in Fiji in September and we are having a BBQ reception in Australia on our return for all friends and family members. So my soon to be hubby again states that he want to invite the ex family. Not the ex wife, but the ex sister in law and the ex mother in law.
He was very close to this family and his EW was the one who broke up the marriage. So he believes that they should be invited to our reception.
I have nothing personally against the ex mother in law or sister in law (I actually like her) but given this is our reception after we marry, I feel very strongly that it is just not appropriate for them to be there.
My partner still considers them to be his friends, and if he wants to go hang out with them sometimes that's OK with me. But I don't want them in my life or house. Am I completely selfish? or am I just wanting a boundary where it belongs?
Besides, I will be very unhappy if he does get them to come, and my family and my friends will also be uncomfortable and this will also cause me grief.
I have made it ABSOLUTELY PLAIN that I will not accept them at the event. He got quite sulky for a while - he just does not understand why it upsets me.
Any advice? or any similar experiences to share?
Are you serious?
I can't imagine how you could possibly be comfortable with the idea of the ew's family attending YOUR wedding reception! This is YOUR day and you are not asking too much here. Imagine how uncomfortable you would be with them there! I would just die.
I could go either way, personally.
But that's because my MIL is my very best friend and I know we would remain close even if I did divorce her son.
Everyone with a brain knows that Rule One of Wedding Etiquette is DON'T PISS OFF THE BRIDE. But... it's his special day, too. I don't know how you compromise on this. I really don't. But I do know you don't want to start out married life with this between you.
If you forget about what is "appropriate," does it change how you feel? Can you think of these people as just friends of his, rather than as former in-laws? (Or "outlaws," as we refer to them.) What means more to him? Having them there or making you happy?
Having an ex-spouse there, to me, is a definite NO. The other family, if they are close, they like you and you like them, I don't think is as cut-and-dried. That's a tough one. Let me ask you this... is it possible that you'll be so over-the-top happy after your recent nuptials that you won't even notice they are there?
~ Anne ~
"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)
Yes Anne it is a question of loyalty
Yes Anne, you are right in saying 'What means more to him? Having them there or making you happy?' You see he was alone for 4 years before he met me and during those years (after his ex left him) he still spent a lot of time with the ex family).
I believe his ex wife didn't want him but didn't want him to move on either. She liked the fact that he was alone and not happy and that she could 'pretend to be his partner' occassionally for her amusement. I don't mean any real relationship here - when it ended, it ended. She just expected him to be alone for ever and she could just use him for money and say that he was unhappy because she left him. It gave her a sense of power over him, including his connection to her family.
I actually said all this to him during our fight and he agreed that this is exactly what she thought and that I came alone and made him happier than he ever was with her and that has totally pissed her off.
My first thought is this...
You mention that the EW was the one that broke off the marriage... not your DH. My question is, by the mere fact that you felt the need to clarify that makes me wonder if he is still 'attached' i.e. emotionally? ...therefore the attachment to the 'other family' still exists? OR if he's still trying to probe his EW with the fact that... HAHA, I'm still involved in your family... they are CLOSE.
I see Anne's point, BUT... woman are very clingy, emotional, develop relationships with each other, and on the same said of that MOST, of course not all, would have the courtesy to NOT attend if they knew or understand the dynamics. A man... not so much.
My thought is, is he reeaaaallllllyyyyyy over this because EW broke the marriage, not him... It's unusual for a man to be so close to the SIL, MIL... etc. It just makes me wonder when I read your post, something is standing out to me. It almost sounds to me, like he wants his cake and eat it too?
I agree that this is your wedding, and it's his too. Perhaps you may have to be willing to compromise, but I still would wonder why the connection? Why is it so important to him? Why can't HE let go and move forward. It almost sounds to me like he's not fully had closer. I could be way off base, but...
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
my five cents
Why not invite them to some other party, later? As a compromise, and, frankly, because you like one of them and may learn to like all of them. But at your wedding - this smells VERY fishy!
Does you fiance need their support and approval? Because this is how it looks... from a distance. Be very very careful with your choice, and observe this relationship. I think it looks loaded with ties that have not been severed and should have been. This does not mean that being friends with an ex is bad, it means to what degree one is still hang up on the ex being there and being very important. Your wedding is a ceremony marking a start of a new family. Old family (while loved and respected) is left behind, except for those members who are not (children). Is his left behind?
good luck
A great idea and I did suggest that too.
Yes, inviting them to another party is just the solution.
In fact, I did suggest just that because it is his 40th birthday two weeks after our reception. He can inivte them to that if he wants to and I will accept it.
I hit him with the emotional thing too............
All very interesting comments. To clarify a few points, my partner wants to invite his ex MIL and ex SIL but HAS NOT ACTUALLY DONE SO because I am so upset.
He has absolutely NO INTENTION of inviting his EW. That is a clear point. But I did hit him with the same question 'why is he still so emotionally attached to the ex family'. He states categorically that he has absolutely no emotional attachment to his EW. I believe that because I know how they interact - minimal and only when necessary because of their kids.
I asked him when was the last time he actually spoke to either his ex MIL or ex SIL and he said last Christmas! He thinks I am telling him he cannot be friends with these people. I am telling him that inviting them to our reception is UNACCEPTABLE. But I have also stated numerous times that I have no problem with him keeping touch with them from time to time. I have also told him that they don't have to be MY friends because of his connection to them.
It is a difficult situation, but they are NOT going to be at the reception. I will be beside myself if I have to put up with that.
Now, THAT is a horse of a different color!
When you said "close," I was thinking that they run into each other regularly, talk frequently, have lunch every now and then and have a real family connection type thing going on. Someone he hasn't talked to in over six months is NOT someone so close that they HAVE to be invited to the wallpapering of your kitchen, let alone to your wedding reception. They are friendly, which is great, but I don't think they are exactly friends. Friends don't let eight months go by without speaking.
Here's your compromise... Make sure he understands that you have no problem with him being on friendly terms with them, but that it's inappropriate and a little tacky for them to actually attend. And they probably wouldn't attend, anyway, because, come on, who would?! Then later on, you can send them a wedding ANNOUNCEMENT, after it's all over and done with, rather than inviting them to anything. He still gets to feel like he's including his "friends" by sending an announcement that you were married in a "small, private ceremony," but you don't have to deal with them at your wedding reception.
Or you could do like we do when we argue about something and reach an impasse... we just look at each other, we admit that we'll never reach an agreement on the issue, we acknowledge that we both can't get what we want and then we decide who the winner will be. The "winner" gets to be whomever it means more to or, if we can't determine that, then sometimes we just take turns. Just for the sake of having it over with and not having to argue about it anymore.
Hopefully, he'll see that having them there isn't as important to him as not having them there is to you and he'll gracefully back down. I hope you have a great wedding and fabulous reception!
~ Anne ~
"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)
I can see how this would
I can see how this would cause stress and just for that DH to be should try to be more understanding with this. I could see inviting them to skids events but your wedding reception is different and I must admit that atleast those first few days or weeks I wanted to be about our future not his past.
You know, I'm sorry...
but he's dancing around the issue... he's deflecting the issue by redefining the answer to a question that he's not willing to answer truthfully, to redirect you, your attention. Let me explain...
The mere fact that he answers he's not attached to the EW... well, that wasn't the question was it? No, you asked him why he's still attached to her FAMILY... not HER. See where I'm going? Clearly, he deflected the issue. So, why IS her family soo 'important' if it's been since Christmas?!?!? That ain't very important to me! LOL So, why the importance to have them at YOUR wedding reception? Hhmmm, I wonder...
I think it goes deeper than that. I have a feeling that it's like a sublimely game, so to say, maybe even subconscious mind game. He wants the family to 'report back' to his EW, basically the word will get back to her, get 'rubbed in her face' so to say, who we all know will get her panties in a wade and snuffle around. Of course, I can guarantee that he would never admit to such a thing, but this is what I'm reading. I'm reading between the lines...
I like Anne's suggestion. I'd stick your ground, and I would casually ask him again... Why is her FAMILY so important to him. If he dodges the question again, call him on it. Tell him, I'm sorry dear, but I didn't ask you about being attached to your EX WIFE... I asked you... and repeat the question.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
You could thiink that, but she already has her nickers in a knot
Hey Step Mom, you could think that it was all part of sticking it up the EW, but she already has her nickers in a very large knot. Remember, I have mentioned previously in another post that she asked my DH to come to oru wedding and was rejected. Then she tried again via my DH's parents! and was, of course, told to go jump.
I think I have now made it clear as crystal that strong boundaries are being set about his ex family. Hopefully this will be the end of it.
He has backed down now
My DH has backed down on this issue saying that he does understand how I feel and that his ex family will not be invited to the reception. I just got back from a work conference and before I left, I left him a strongly worded note, very directly stating that I will not accept them at the reception and the obvious reasons why. Guess it got his attention and he backed down.
So, at least for now, there are not impending Ex family issues.
Thanks to all for your thoughts.
Atleast if he can't
Atleast if he can't understand he will sit for this one. thats a nice end to the debate. Have a wonderful wedding reception!