Help - Can a strange upbringing 'dumb down' children??? My step kids are not quite right.
Our blended family, as I have written about before, has a wide age group. The kids range from 8 to 18 - the youngest ones (8 and 11) are my partners and the older ones (17 & 18) are my bio kids.
They have been raised in very different homes. My kids were taught from an early age to be independant, confident and socially adept. We (my ex and I) had rules for conduct, manners, house chores etc. We expected them to get good grades at school and they did. We certainly weren't perfect parents, but our kids now go to University / Technical College and are doing very well and I am very proud of them.
My DH's kids have been primarily raised by his ex since they were very young due to the divorce (which she initiated 6 years ago) - They were not toilet trained until they went to school and had baby bottles and dummies until about they were about 5 years old (I seen the pictures to prove it)!
My partners ex does not believe in discipline (just meditation). They do not have to pick up after themselves, are not required to have manners and get everything and anything they want. They are spoilt rotten, not so much by material things, more that they are totally dependant on an adult to tell them what to do and what to think - there is no self awareness. Their social skills are almost non existant - because the mother has no social life, or friends. The 8 year old even slept permanently in her mothers bed until 5 months ago when the kid finally got her own bed (STILL IN HER MOTHERS ROOM)!!!
I have seen the boy's mother cradle him and rock him like a baby on the loungeroom floor (this boy is 11), cause he didn't get enough hugs at Dad's house.
This is going to sound soooo mean, but they are not very bright either, which is such a shame as their Dad is very smart and capable. I don't know if they are just dim (like the ex) or the strange upbringing has just 'dumbed them down'.
It's very sad and I find it very hard not to comment on things because it is very frustrating to witness. If I do comment, my partner gets upset (cause he knows his kids are a bit strange and he feels powerless to change things).
He gets very frustrated with his ex wife's weird childrearing ways, but she will not listen to anyone - not him, not her mother, sister etc.
I feel so mean venting about these kids but it really gets to me and I am worried it will stuff up our relationship. Who knows how they are going to be in the teen years - could be very scary.
Thanks for letting me vent............................
By the way, this woman is a school teacher!
Forgot to mention, my partners ex is a school teacher!
Strange
I can understand the strange upbringing thing. My ss's mom is very similar. Ss didn't get potty trained until after he was three. Ss's mom also has a 3 year old by another man who is 3 and still not potty trained. Bm is living with the father of the 3 yr old but they are not "a couple" as ss puts it. They have separate bedrooms and have since the 3 yr old was 1. When she was a baby she had her crib with the father in his room. Now that she is 3 she has her crib in the mother's room. I don't know how long they are going to have her in the same room with the mother(Bm). They live in a 3 bedroom house. Ss has one room but is only there 1/3 of the time, Bm has one room and her ex-boyfriend has one room.
Anyway, my ss ending up in therapy because of his mother's strange living situations that she always puts herself in. Plus her dysfunctional way of life. Because of this, ss started living with us 2/3 time since he was in 2nd grade. He's going in 7th grade now and his grades are excellent. We are still working on some of the social problems however. Hopefully by high school he will be better.
I don't understand how a school teacher could do these things to there kids and not see that it is affecting them negatively!! She probably can't see what she is doing and thinks there is nothing wrong with it.
Dawn
Same here too...
My stepchildren's bm lives in a 3 bedroom with 14 other people! BM shares a bed with both children, ages 7 and 2 1/2, she does not do school work with the school aged child, does not have rules, lives in a dumpsite, etc. The older child seems to be a bit 'off'.... she acts out in really strange ways, for instance she eats paper, and chews on absolutely everything (like a teething baby!) I've mentioned it to dh and he knows that something is off but theres not much we can do other than provide a normal life for the children when they are with us.
I believe so.
the BM of my skids dropped out of middle school and you can see the difference when they come back from a visitation with her, it is like night and day, they will do strange things and the vocab they use when they speak is very uneducated and I have to constantly remind them. It is very sad. I feel bad for my skids that there BM is such a mess they know something is not right with her. There was an episode on dateline about an incident about something like this last week.
No bikes, no football no anything.............
Hey Guinnessgirl, I understand the bike thing. My SD8 and SS11 are too afraid to ride a bike, a skateboard, in fact, too scared to go outside the house almost! Their BM told the boy that his neck is too long so he can't play football. What sort of crap is that. The boy now has a complex about his neck.
SD8 only the other day gets $20 to spend on anything and buys a baby alphabet book with magnetic letters! What is that! my 8 and 9 year old nieces are both in Hilary Duff, Avril Lavine music, clothes, shoes and hairstyles - normal stuff for young girls to start getting into. SD is into stuffed teddies and Shrek is as sophisticated as she gets. Both kids are bad at reading and writing too.
Remember their BM is a school teacher! Like you, I have tried to 'get them up to speed' for their respective ages, but they are just not interested in anything. They show no curiosity to learn. So sad. And like you I have contemplated not caring at all, but I can't. FRUSTRATED
Toddler Boys Haircuts
Hello Guinnessgirl, I comprehend the bicycle thing. My SD8 and SS11 are excessively apprehensive, making it impossible to ride a bicycle, a skateboard, actually, excessively terrified, making it impossible to go outside the house nearly! Their BM told the kid that his neck is too long so he can't play football. What kind of poop is that. The kid currently has a complex about his neck.
SD8 just a day or two ago gets $20 to spend on anything and purchases a child letter set book with attractive letters! What is that! my 8 and multi year old nieces are both in Hilary Duff, Avril Lavine music, garments, shoes and hairdos - typical stuff for young ladies to begin getting into. SD is into stuffed teddies and Shrek is as refined as she gets. The two children are terrible at perusing and composing as well .by the way i can use one site that is related with hairstyles i always use this site for my kids and i can suggests to you. you can use this site and get some good information .
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Well...
My skids' BM used "baby talk" for YEARS, well after they were no longer babies. The two youngest are 15 and 12... they are BOTH still in speech therapy because neither one of them can speak correctly. Does that answer your question?!
~ Anne ~
"Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after the other." -Walter Elliot
Interesting topic. For me,
Interesting topic. For me, I can see why the BMs are doing such things, it's to keep a connection to their 'baby', the memory of what they hold dear to them since their separations from their spouses.
And, like all of you, it's frustrating too. My SS was slow, immature because of the upbringing of his parents. When I came on the scene, at first I questioned, got the same response... how dare I, etc. I just finally got to a point that you know what. This is my home, you're in my home kid, and guess what, I'm going to teach you a thing or two for as long as we be together. I just ignored my husband and anyone else, and I just started very slowly, very consistently, in a fun way to crib some nasty habits that my SS displayed.
Today, he's still not quite up to speed, but he's way more mature, doing more things, and finally broken out of his shell. Sometimes, you have to let your hair down in order to get through to the kids. I was also lucky because my family are a bunch of teachers, so I had ample of 'help', tricks and treats to use.
On a social psychological study, this is pretty evident of the guilt complex that many parents have from the divorce/separation of the parents. And sadly, it takes both the parents, one passive to correct, and one to instigate, or the lack of stimulation or encouragement for the kids to expand. It's seen as a comfort zone.
Interesting - but probably right...
Hey Anon, you know you are probably right that my SK bio Mum is full of guilt because she left their father for no good reason. On a whim so to speak (she blows with the wind you never know what she is going to do/say next). So keeping the kids babies may keep her feeling better about herself for some reason. She is also a total control freak so that has to be in the mix aswell. If you see my forum topic in 'General' about an ex wife trying to get to your wedding you will get more of an insight into this troubled woman.
I am afraid that one day she will ditch the kids, when they cannot be babied anymore and will not be controlled and their bio Dad and I will have to pick up all the messy emotional and mental pieces.
Wow guinness! I can
Wow guinness! I can understand you DH's point of view, because he wants his kids to be raised with better morals then that, but you're right in the sense that the kid was trying to defend himself from BM.
In large part everyone is a
In large part everyone is a product of their upbringing though we do have significant capability at self determination in our lifes.
Taking the good that we inherrit from our parents and addressing the issues we inherrit is part of the life process.
That said, what the XW/BM does in her home you nor DH can do anything about. What you can do is set reasonable standards of behavior and performance for your own home and hold all kids in the home accountable to those standards in an age appropriate manner. IMHO both you and your DH have a duty to these kids to mitigate as much of the BM's weird parenting crap as you can while the SKids are in your home. They do as they are told, when they are told while in your home or they live the consequences for nonconformance.
At some point hugs do not deliver on raising a child to viable adulthood. Though hugs are support are part of the process, behaviors and standards become a much larger and significantly more important portion as kids progress in age.
You an DH are going to have to focus on the household standards, enforce them and apply reward and consequence appropriate to the ages of the kids.
Keep it simple.