When DH and I did pre-marriage counseling our counselor told us it probably wouldn't be a good idea for SD to ever live with us because it would affect our relationship too much. Very true. Plus I could not deal with BM on that kind of level. She would be more involved in my life.

You and DH need to sit down and have a long conversation about what is going on.

Sorry to hear this. Sounds quite painful.

So you help out with one or more of his kids, but he and his "adult" daughter can't be bothered to help you temporarily with your kid? OK, you're done helping him with his kids in anyway. NOW.

SD is "adult" but can't clean up after herself much less help around the house? When you find a dish left out, throw it out. Or something else along those lines that removes the discomfort from you to them.

About the bm, well, I do make it a rule to never let skids ever ever ever hear anything but lollipops and unicorns when I talk about their mom. I do believe it's made my life better though I actually have intense dislike for the person.

But you have well known public incidents with this woman. Since skid is "an adult" you might just say unapologetically, "Persons who cause xyz simply can't be allowed in this house. No one would allow it." Then just change the subject.

If dh gave you grief about it tell him to go live with BM.

Does the SD know that BM tried to run you over and stole from you? Perhaps she doesn't, and I'm inclined to believe that she believes her mother isn't responsible for those actions if she even knows about them. Perhaps you just need to call the elephant in the room and tell her that "no, your mother isn't allowed in my house because she stole XXX amount of money from us AND she also tried to kill me by nearly running me over; would you want me to visit you if I try to run you over with my car SD?" It's basic logic and if she is as grown up as your DH pretend she is then she will get it even if she pretends she's still hurt. As for your DH...I think you've already done all that you can. Make him responsible for her mess and problems and once it starts to pile up on him, he might learn to appreciate the person who was picking up all the slack before him. The only other think I can suggest is start making someone's exit strategy whether it be You, SD or your DH (and subsequently his daughter in tow). Start leaving college brochures around the house for him to find and housing options as well as jobs around her college and financial aid deadlines. Get that girl out of your house and use the "well, she is almost 18 now" as your opening whenever your DH uses it. She could be in the middle of asking to stay out late and if he speaks those words you need to say, "oh yeah that reminds me....have you started looking for an apartment, have you submitted your fafsa for student aid, what about housing near campus? And you'll probably need a flexible summer job to save up" and on and on until your DH starts thinking it was HIS idea.

I could understand being concerned about SD's feeling if she was 7 years old - but she's virtually an adult right now.

I have an adult SS - I do not give a flying you know what if he gets his fee fees hurt because I have nothing to do with BM.

Tell SD to shut up and grow up.

Pokadoty, I remember your name and yes you have been around here for a long time.

YOUR not alone and I know that does not make you feel better. But please know, There are many ex's that do awful awful things to the ex'dh new family. Usually when a BM cant for what reason the teen kids/adult kids take over so the trauma continues with equal force.

What do you want DH to do?

Did not read all the comments, my 2 cents...

Disengage from SD, you do nothing for her and you do not complain about her, if she leaves the house in a mess tell dH to sort it out. Further more if you contributed any cash towards the new car and SD refuses now to help with BD, it's simply, demand your money back Hon, Cause you will need it to buy DD a car in a month or 2's time, and you do not chip in for SD's fuel and accidents.

Never apologize to a skid ...... You simply say - SD you moved here cause you do not get along with BM, you say nasty things about her, we helped you out, Between my children and my Ex we where never nasty towards each other, we do not hate, we simply grew out of love and we are friends, that's the difference, now this is my house, and I will do as I please, You might be an adult but you are not contributing to this house hold and thus you have no say in how it's run.

I'd separate finances and not lift a finger to help him with his kids since he wants to act like a jerk towards you. I'd be livid he was still paying CS for a kid that lives with you. Sounds like he is far more concerned with BMs and SDs feelings. No wonder you have so much resentment towards them all.

Boo fu**ing Hoo that SD didn't like hearing you say her mother isn't welcome in YOUR home.

WTF

Shit, I've said in front of my skid that BM better not dare to ever set foot on my property. Because it's TRUE.