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SD moved in full time

PokaDotty's picture

So much has gone on in the past few months that I'm hoping just getting it out will be therapeutic.

SDstb18 moved in with us fulltime for her senior year of high school. BM reacted horribly when SD told her she wants to live with DH and just got vicious. She canceled her car insurance, phone and took back the car SD had been paying for and sold it (car in BM name since she's under 18). This was all in 1 day so we had to immediately get a new phone, car and insurance in place in less than 48hrs. Stressful but we made it work and SD was extremely grateful.

Since moving in, her grades are all honor roll and she's working 3 part-time jobs. She drives my BD16 to school and home and helps out. She's demonstrating more maturity than her mother by leaps and bounds. We hoped the separation will allow time to cool off and hopefully repair their relationship but BM keeps acting like a slighted high school drama queen instead of a parent. To get back at SD's moving, she donated her clothes and stuff and gave her bedroom to SD13. BM posted pics on Fakebook of SD13 "new bedroom" to rub it in SD17 face. BM is just so hateful in one breath and the next is sending her postings about forgiveness and mother's love. The hypocrisy slays me.

So the latest is BM, who hasn't really seen SD since July on her own accord, wants SD to go over to her house for dinner on Saturday. SD shared the texts from BM with us last night and she's so self-absorbed! SD told her she works 8-12 at job1, 1-4 at job2, and 5-10 at job3 so she could meet at a local restaurant on Sunday for lunch instead before she goes to work. BM told her she's "on a budget" which is hilarious b/c DH is paying a pretty penny in CS for both SD17 & 13 to her and supporting SD17 at our house while BM eats out more often than not. She is insisting SD go over after work (10p) and visit at her house.

This just seems like a recipe for disaster. There will be plenty of time for BM to be good and sloshed by this time. Not to mention whatever scheme she has cooked up. SD is debating offering to take her out to lunch on Sunday for a short time in a public place. DH already told SD that she needs to come home after work on Saturday. That's just too late to be driving around (we live 45 min away from BM).

DH plans on filing after the first of the year to have CS adjusted. SD graduates next spring so getting all the ducks in a row and an end date for SD13 is needed. BM told the SKs that CS pays her mortgage and she won't have a house to live in if DH doesn't pay. She's under the delusion after speaking to her friend that DH will have to pay CS forever.... SMDH! I can't wait to get this woman out of my life.

SD13 drank the toxic BM Kool-Aid but maybe will find her mind when she gets older. DH had to get on her just to get her to answer her phone. Visitation happens only when we have gifts so it's been a little while since we've seen her. Birthday is next month so I know we'll see her sometime then...

All in all, we are getting a rhythm for the household with a few hiccups but nothing major. With work, a death in the family, and travelling, getting back to normal is a priority. Some people have it way worse than us but I really wouldn't mind some quiet time. Smile


WalkOnBy's picture

Why wait for the child support to be modified? If SD17 is no longer living with BM then your husband should immediately file the necessary paperwork to have it modified.

Waiting makes no sense.

PokaDotty's picture

Honestly the reason is because his father just passed and we paid a lot of expense getting over there to go to the funeral. Work has a legal option as part of the benefits and open enrollment is next month so we'll add it in for next year.

We had planned on doing it sooner but the retainer is a little beyond our reach right at the moment.

WalkOnBy's picture

It doesn't cost anything to contact the agency and prove that SD is now living with you guys.

Why give BM money to which she is not entitled???

You don't need an attorney to do this - it's verrrrry simple and easy.

WalkOnBy's picture

then he needs to start paying via the state.

PLEASE tell me there is a child support order in place?

And, even if he IS direct paying her, he can still file with the CS agency to modify.

PokaDotty's picture

Yes, there's been a CS in order for over 11 years. Since back in the day they didn't have the amount per kid with the specific end date, we've always known it would have to be modified. We went and met with a firm a few months back to discuss the process of modifying and costs, etc.

She is super high conflict and we know that having a female attorney who won't fall for her crap is the way to go. Dh had a sympathetic male attorney the first go round and got bad advice after he spoke with BM. He's been overpaying since day 1.

DH wanted to give SD a few months at our house with the commute to school before he started paperwork in case she changed her mind. We are both pretty darn sure she's not leaving until college now after all the BM drama. I'm of 2 minds, spend $$ now to start the ball rolling or use this time to document what's happened since SD moved.

Example: SD asked for folders for school, BM went out and bought the tackiest ones and went to SD's job and drove thru the drive thru and passed them thru the window. She could not even be bothered with walking in...

WalkOnBy's picture

but but but -

every state has a formula....numbers in, number out.

There is no need to have an attorney, as there is literally nothing to argue about.

PokaDotty's picture

The order would need to be modified to show SD lives with us. We live in another county as well so she is still listing BM's address on school stuff for her senior year. It would be very easy for BM to claim SD still lives with her. BM has proven to be untruthful on many occasions and this impacts her $$ so I doubt she would be forthcoming.

WalkOnBy's picture

Right - which is all the more reason to get your butt to the Courthouse TODAY and file a motion to change custody and recalculate the CS. Both are pretty simple, and both are factual, so still no need for an attorney (sorry, anotherstep -lol).

You can bet your butt that BM will claim SD is living with her on her taxes.

thinkthrice's picture

yeah it takes about 7 months to get a downward mod (not retroactive) from the filing date.

ESMOD's picture

I think that SD offering to pay for lunch for her mom is the better idea. I have a feeling that what her mom is planning is trying to guilt her little paycheck.. i mean baby.. into coming back to her house to live.

They need to meet on neutral ground and where minimal scene can happen.

My DH also paid his EX full CS, even when the girls didn't live with their mom. The younger one lived with us for a time and both girls ended up finishing up HS at their grandparents (good situation with active retired adults in a small town with better schools plus BM would have fought them living with us).

He never even reduced CS when the older one aged out. Now granted, he paid a fairly low amount but he also really had no income due to starting up his business and trying to make them work.

When the younger one also aged out, the EX decided to try to get spousal support that had been reserved in the original decree. Fortunately as they had been divorced longer than the marriage lasted, that was a no-go. I honestly don't know how the lady is surviving now, other than the fact that she has been living with a guy for 10 years that owns a home and bought her a car to drive. I have a sick feeling she is getting her younger daughter, who has a good job now at 18, to give her money. We hope it's not the case, but it's not up to us.

PokaDotty's picture

When SD was living with her, SD told us stories of her mom using her bank account as her own personal overdraft account. $100 here, $100 there...

ESMOD's picture

Ughh. Yeah, both my stepdaughters had the same problem with their mom. She was always getting them to fill her car up with gas and such. They both love her. They both know how their mom is but they still defend her (well the OSD not so much any more).

PokaDotty's picture

BM also has some kind of medical drama ALLLLL the time. She's claimed cancer a couple times with a magical cure, ulcers, high blood pressure, pancreatis, and now she's losing her hair. She couldn't go to work in fact yesterday b/c of hair loss.

Last night she sent SD a bunch of pictures of her bald spots. It was so weird. Those are pictures I wish I could unsee. [shudder]

Maxwell09's picture

Honestly by the time your DH gets to court to get CS modified, BM will have convinced SD to move back for one reason or another. He needs to do it immediately and try to see if he can get back some of the CS back that he's be needlessly playing. Procrastination is going to be your DH's worst enemy in this.

WalkOnBy's picture


I have NEVER understood why some people literally throw money away....

PokaDotty's picture

I wouldn't call it procrastination per se. We went thru a court battle with her about 7 years ago and it cost 10k and nothing changed. (well, except that she realized DH would stand up to her if she got too ridiculous)

We are trying not to be out of pocket a crap-ton after an unexpected trip overseas. Having the work paid legal benefit will really help. She will refuse to provide financials, we already know it will take a bunch of motions to get the basics... She believes herself above the law.

PokaDotty's picture

The other fear we now get to deal with is that both SDs had the college pre-paid progam. BM has threatened to take the money out of it. She has also claimed that she put it in SD's grandfather's name (BM dad).

At this point, SD is about to go to college so prood that the funds are still in place are needed.

This idiot of a woman won 10k as an award and instead of fixing her roof or heater, she decided to blow it on a Justin Beiber concert with the girls.

She majorly sucks at money management so who knows what she has done to keep up her lifestyle..

WalkOnBy's picture

We all remember what Medusa did, right?

After she lost custody, she refused to let the kids go back to the house to get their things.

THEN she sold everything on Ebay - and I do mean everything.

PokaDotty's picture

Since BM already said she donated her stuff and sold the car, it seems suspect that she suddenly wants her to come over for a visit? :? Even more suspect, why dinner at 10pm?

The more I think about it, the more my blood boils. BM is taking mini-me SD13 on vacations, shopping, dining out but can't afford lunch with SD17 who she has barely seen (on her own accord) since July? This late night invitation just feels icky to me.

WalkOnBy's picture

I am with moving_on - NO WAY to dinner at 10pm.

the reason the late night invitation feels icky to you is because it IS icky.

Acratopotes's picture

Why did you have to get a good SD and I'm stuck with Aergia..... life's so unfair....

I would simply tell SD, it's up to her to meet BM and if she does not want to no one can force her to. Reason for BM getting in touch with her daughter... she knows SD is working, and BM does not have access to that money anymore..
I will tell SD, be careful Hon, do not give BM any cash, simply say to her, Mum Dad is still paying you CS for me and I'm not there, so just stop please ... SD seems like a mature girl... she can say this, put BM back in her place, and BM will go ape crazy on her, then she just needs to walk away.

The decision to change CS now is entirely up to you and DH, in your shoes I would've done it after a month of SD moving in with us, but I guess you both have your reasons for not doing so.

I'm still upset cause you got the nice SD ... can we change please, they are the same age....