I think I am controlling in a certain respect. Like you, if I didn't the Skids would run the house and I'm not ok with that. BF spends a lot of time in front of a computer screen which leaves almost everything up to me. During the week I don't mind but when the SKids are there, I take control. Someone has to. He does get on rants and say he's their father and I just reply with than act like it. Come out of the bedroom and be the father. Until then, I'm in charge.

I know for a fact if I wasn't there those kids would have zero rules. Example that happens all the time. SS bad in school. Grounded from screens. He puts away the dishes from the dish washer, takes 5-10 minutes and BF asks if I think he shouldn't be grounded anymore because he "did extra". Sorry putting away the dishes does not negate 5 days of being a jack ass in school.

Plus I'm much better at being in charge than he is.

I am naturally a controlling person but I have tried to stay out of DH's relationship with his daughters. I did not want to be the SM that tried to come between them.

So, I did/do not control the visits or the phone calls (which are both a non-issue with the oldest). The money issue is where I've had to step in a couple of times and give my opinion but for the most part, DH is on the same page with me as far as that is concerned.

I've had it pretty easy, really, as DH does not like drama. He took care of SD23 when she visited, he made sure she did what she was supposed to do when she was with us, and now that she's an adult, he does not just invite her over without talking to me first.

I don't care if they talk everyday or what they talk about. When she lies to him, he knows it, and when she tries to manipulate him, he knows it.

I don't think that I am controlling, I think of it as "structured" or INVOLVED. I don't like chaos, I don't like surprises, I don't like flying by the seat of my pants.

Unfortunately, my DH is the exact opposite. Forget about making an APPOINTMENT to get your hair cut, just call the day you want it cut and then get ticked when you can't get in. Forget about making PLANS to go out to dinner on Friday (when it is ONLY Wednesday), nope just decide at 6.pm on Friday night and then get ticked when every place you want to go is packed. Forget about asking SD16 to clean her nasty room and bathroom, nope, just IGNORE it until you have a friend stop by and then flip out because you are embarrassed that the bathroom is so nasty and you have to clean it up yourself.

I just want my marriage to be a partnership. I don't want my husband to inform me of every stupid little detail of life, like who he talked to on the phone today, or if his friend stopped by today, or if he had lunch with a buddy yesterday because none of that affects me. I think THAT would be controlling....what I want is to be INVOLVED in things that affect me directly! SD16 having a nasty ass room in my house affects me, SD16 failing school and potentially not graduating affects me, a $700.00 phone bill for SD16 affects me and therefore, my kid or not I WILL say something and expect to be informed of such things.

I think you make a great point. A lot of people on here are super controlling. It seems exhausting. I can be controlling, however, I don't control things with BM (although I do give reminders to let BM know xyz), I don't control visits and switching the schedule and all of that (although my DH does usually ask my opinion), and I don't control DH's relationship with skid (although I will arrange it to where they have some alone time).

However, my skid does live with us, so I do "control" a lot of aspects of parenting, but not nearly as much as I used to. My reasoning is that DH can be inconsistent and my skid needs consistency because otherwise, they will push every boundary possible to the furthest possible extent. Also, we have kids together, and I believe all the kids should be raised the same way, and DH is consistent with our together kids. I also want my skid to have every opportunity possible, and slack parenting isn't going to get them there. I do let go of the reigns more and more as skid gets older and DH gets more comfortable being a disciplinarian, but I will admit to being controlling about weird things when I'm in a weird mood.

I used to be quite controlling but I'm slowly trying to let things go. It's hard because my husband is so relaxed (read: lazy) about everything to do with SD. But I just keep reminding myself that she's not my child and as long as the things she does don't affect me or DD too much, then I don't need to worry about it.

I think people confuse control and managing a situation. Ultimately you can't control anyone but yourself, trying to leads to heartache and frustration. You can however effectively manage your household. I think most issues arise when it's a single person attempting to manage solo v. Co-managing with your spouse, which takes compromise.

I know I am an inner-control freak. I used to micro manage everything in my life until I got involved with DH and SS. I had to learn that there will be times when I can do nothing and it's going to drive me nuts! Almost 3 years later and I'm not even finding out the gender of my baby. Trying to control everything just put me in a bundle of nerves/stress/anger when things werent going as plan. The easiest way to reduce that stress was not to have a plan at all. I still catch myself passively trying to control things though.

UHM YES! I can't speak for any other SM's but this is me! Maybe not controlling visits and phonecalls...but deciding money sometimes yeah I am a control-freak! Also, I know how I was raised and how I raise my own children and when I see the way DH and his BM raise their kids i'm over here like "(buzzer sound) WRONG!..this is how you should do it" In my eyes, what works for me, should work for them and then maybe their kids wouldn't be buttholes! So yes, I can be a bit of a control freak...but like we've literally just discussed..I need a hobby!!!!!

i can come across as controlling, although i dont mean to be. the more time/practice at the 'dance' of our stepfamily, the easier it gets to let go.

i've never been the controlling type, i just had a lot of difficulties having such a huge part of my life so open and overrun. i NEED peace, i NEED advance notice, i cannot handle constant intrusion, i am NOT very spontaneous at all. i'm a homebody and need my sanctuary- my sanctuary was my home space, my free time and my headspace. i wasnt trying to be controlling, i was making every attempt to preserve things.

disengagement helped a LOT- i willfully gave up a lot and came to terms with a lot, and my stress went WAY down.

sm's make a lot of compromises to accept other people's kids into their lives and some part of them inside is going to have a hard time with some changes. i think a lot of the 'controlling' comes from that. OR changes have been made but we dont agree or can be improved on, we'll pipe up and that can come across as controlling.

I am controlling in certain situations. I AM controlling when it comes to things that happen IN my house. I will not allow someone else to dictate how things are done. I am controlling when it comes to the safety and well being of my kids (step and bio). I am aware that I am controlling by nature, and I try very hard to make sure that my controlling personality doesn't cause problems. It's taken me a long time to get to this point, but I feel like I have a pretty good handle on it.

I was just talking to DH about this, this morning before he left for work.
In most aspects of the household, I am not controlling.. I do set boundaries that are often broken.. don't use my razor, if you make a mess in the kitchen, clean it up, pick up your dirty clothes and put them in the hamper.. things that normal teenagers should know.

With younger SD's and phone calls.. a different story.. that's what DH and I were talking about this morning. I have so much anxiety on phone days it's ridiculous. Their BM calls about every 3 weeks and it causes a whole lot of drama when she does b/c she doesn't get the " I love you mommy, I miss you mommy" basically SD's don't kiss her ass so she ends up going off on them and if they don't hang up then she hangs up on them, then come the phone calls and texts to me. If the phone isn't answered the first time BM calls to talk to SD's there are voicemails and texts like crazy with lots of name calling and off the wall comments. The control part.. I have to remind myself that I cannot control if BM calls or not. I cannot control what BM says to SD's even if BM is calling SD a fat b!tch, cussing, screaming and just going psycho on this young child, all I can do is be there to pick up the pieces.

Hell YES I am controlling.

I got that way after years and years of "you were right" "I should have listened to you" "I should just do what you say because you are correct" "why didn't I listen to you??"

I saw a shirt I loved. It said:

"I'm not bossy. I just know what you should be doing!"

I look out for myself and for my DH. No one else in the mix is going to look out for our best interests. After all, we are the bad guys, don't you know. Correction: he was the bad guy for divorcing the worst mistake of his life and now I'm guilty by association, I'm the bad guy for actually having the gall to love him and think that he's a good person and back him up when he sets boundaries with the rest of them.

His ex called me controlling once when I drew the exact same boundaries DH had been trying to establish all along with her. So yeah, I guess I am a bit controlling.

I try to control only that which affects me. I seriously try to let the rest of it go. Daily struggle.

I think that a lot of "controlling SM's" are actually the product of controlling skids and controlling BMs. Sometimes "controlling SMs" are created by SO's who don't parent, or set boundaries so SM's are forced to step in.