My Ipod's about run out of juice, which means I will follow.
But for now, "The Good, Band and the Ugly."
That is what life feels like. Wish I could just circumvent to Justin Hayward, but these events do not have that melody.
I was informed Sunday, yesterday, morning, that my husband will spend thousand of dollars we don't have to do a "vocational assessment." The guy who will do this assessment will most likely use the very material my husband created within the industry and is known worldwide for. Can you imagine the humiliation of such a thing? I should have been part of that decision to to proceed with all of our lives hinging upon what an expert who no doubt was taught during grad school the things my husband created in that field. But I was not.
It is his theme of existence, needing to mask all things that happen to him as reflections of or extensions of some weakness he harbors.
Now on to to. "Becoming One of the People."
I feel set back three years from the relationship I began to see once again with him. I trusted him from before the time I saw his face with me. I never have and never will understand many of his actions, but I accepted them and forgave them.
I did not expect to see them again. But now, here again, they are in front of me. What I said was that I need to be treated as a partner. I am worth communicating things to while they are in their formative stages because no matter how abrasive I am on this site, I love him, cherish him perhaps even more than I love him, and want to his soul free. But he did not trust me again.
I have to live with this, and I hate it. I hate my helplessness to change it.
And there is no escape, you see, from knowing that he will always default to keeping things to himself. And now, I'm listening to the War of the Worlds version of "Forever Autumn" by Justin Hayward.
That is in some ways what our relationship feels like, this huge under sense of unmet longing.