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No Appreciation.....Ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!

doormat333's picture

Since I have been married to my husband, several years now, I have been the one to pick out and buy, send, gifts to his kids and grandchildren for birthdays and Christmas. At this point, I have no relationship with his kids because they have chosen to nit-pick and find everything wrong with me over the years and hate, hate, hate instead of seeing the good person I am. I had to disengage after enduring too much mental, then physical stress, from these toxic relationships. But, I have continued to send presents at Christmas and birthdays for his kid's children. The big kids get money from both of us. The problem is, there is never any acknowledgement at all. They, in their hatred for me, and poor manners, have taught their kids to fear and hate me. I cannot believe a parent would teach their children to be so rude, these parents should be teaching their kids to write thank you notes, something. I always have our child write thank you notes to them, even sent one of the grand-daughters a beginning stationary set with thank you notes to get the ball rolling to teach them proper manners. But of course, never received one. They know it's me picking out, wrapping and sending these gifts because their father just always gave money not being into shopping. It's the rudest slap in the face. I don't think the little kids should be involved in this hate game by their parents though the oldest grandchild is 13, meaning she could branch out and call or send a note.
My husband never says anything to his kids about this and I think he should take a bit of a stand on this. He has the attitude that they are grown and it's not his job anymore.


doormat333's picture

That's what happens also, the adult kids call him and never ask to speak to me. He doesn't say anything to change the situation. Another conundrum which happened today is, another huge cell phone bill, $500, his 24 yr old racked up. This is the 5th time this has happened. We had health insurance, car insurance for this kid's 2 cars, and the cell phone....never any signs of appreciation. He just complained he wanted more and felt entitled. This same kid brainwashed my daughter for months that his dad picked a new family and didn't want his old family anymore. My daughter didn't tell me this was going on until she broke down crying one day that she felt guilty for ruining things for mu husband's kids. I was livid!!! I went off on the jerk like mama bear. My husband complains all the time about other people's spoiled children and how they feed into those children's senses of entitlement, yet he never sees that he's doing it with his kids. I agree with you, Katrinkie2, I need to just stop sending things.

doormat333's picture

I know this but DH doesn't get it. It drives me crazy because it's our money but he seems to think that it's his decision in these situations. this kid is a pretty useless adult, never finished high school, depressed beyond anger. He doesn't do anything to move forward or better himself and smokes pot, that's probably why. His father, I believe, feels guilty about the biomom leaving the kids, so he makes up by enabling. It's simple but DH doesn't get it at all.

whatwasithinkin's picture

I hate to say this but your life sounds like heaven. All I have to do is send a couple of checks and some gifts for holidays and Im off the hook? I dont have to see or talk to the SK's?

I dont care if they ever acknowledge me. And if they never acknowledge DH then I get to say, "see I told ya so" which I am sure I will muddle more then once.

If you really look back the kids have probably never given your DH any credit, why we think when the little shits mature to adults that their brain should engage is beyond me.

Im learning to lower my expectations, and I tell DH all the time he should do the same

dragonfly5's picture

I don't understand why you are shopping for "not your kids/grandkids".

If you choose to then that's your choice, but you cannot expect these little vultures to thank you or be appreciative.
Your DH has not taught them to be.

FDH and I shop together for the fskid or he does it by himself.

I would stop. Then when they complain tell them to ask their father.

I am so fed up with unthankful people, step or otherwise.

oneoffour's picture

You are a good person and trying very hard not to let the children suffer for the sins of their parents.

However, STOP. Now. This minute. Inform your DH that as you are unaware if the recipents are even GETTING the gifts apart from checks being cashed. So in future (and here you hand him a list of birthdays)he is responsible for the birthday greetings. If he complains remind him that these are HIS children and they do not like you and do not want you in their lives so stepping back is the right thing to do.

Who can argue with that?

HadEnoughx5's picture

I'd stop the birthday and Christmas gifts and anything else you do for them. If DH can't back you up and support you, then stop supporting him with his kids. Apparently not only the kids are not being appreciative, neither is DH. Let him take care of things.

hereiam's picture

not to let the children suffer for the sins of their parents

This came to my mind last week after we left my SD's house. She has put a huge wedge in her and DH's relationship and we do not see her or her kids often.

I guess I should feel bad but you know what? Since time began, children suffer the sins of their parents, it is unavoidable. That's why when you are a parent, you have to put your own selfish needs and wants aside and make better decisions, as you are not the only one affected.

These adults need to realize what they are doing to their own children. Just like the golden uterus syndrome, some people think giving their parents grand children makes up for everything. Not in my book.

I do not remember SD thanking us for the gift we gave her and her husband, nor did she prompt her kids to thank us for their gifts. She apparently thinks it's just "owed" to her. She is in for a rude awakening next year.

doormat333's picture

Thank you for all your comments. You are all right that I need to stop and expecting that they will change. I have always given people many chances thinking someday they will do the right thing, and have been slapped in the face too many times because of my mentality in this. I knew, in my heart, this was going to happen again this past Christmas, and it's really my fault that I'm resentful. So, yes, I need to stop trying. All of your comments gave me good advice and I so appreciate the support.

DaizyDuke's picture

you know it's funny, my dad remarried when I was around 10. I never thought of his wife as my step mom, because they lived clear across the country.. I never even met her until I was about 15. She is a very nice lady, she has two kids of her own, that my dad took on as his own. I've never heard about them having a bio dad. A few years ago, they went to a lawyer and drew up their wills and sent her kids and me a copy as of course we are all listed as beneficiaries. Her two kids are listed first and I am listed last. I seriously have no problem with this, her two kids live out there near them, I am on the other side of the country, while I have a relationship with my dad, I've never lived with him and ever since I was 5, have gone years without seeing him due to location. He pretty much raised her kids, so again, they are both much closer to him. Again, I have no problem with this, why would I? Why don't your skids like you??? I'm guessing just because you are you and you married their dad? So dumb.

My dad's wife sends birthday cards/gifts and Christmas gifts to my DH, I and BS3. She even sends little packages for Valentines, Halloween, etc. for BS3. I thank her (and my dad) every.single.time. I can honestly say, even if I DIDN'T like her, I would STILL thank her. I mean what happened to plain and simple manners??? She doesn't owe me anything and frankly neither does my dad. So I am very appreciative of all they do.

Maybe that is your skids problem? They've never appreciated anything, because it's just always been expected? I would cut them off (not your grandkids... not their fault their parents suck) but I would cut the adult, man and woman babies off.

Sorry, to ramble, you just reminded me of my dad's wife and all the nice things she does and I can't imagine not acknowledging these things. Guess my mother raised me different.

doormat333's picture

Thank you, DaizyDuke. I gave my time, emotional, financial, intellectual support to these adult kids for 6 years, and after suffering major debilitating physical illness, stemmed from mental anguish and stress, I had to finally disengage. What breaks my heart is my husband never truly supported me when some very bad things happened by his kids. At one point, I was being harassed by his son/sons by receiving gay porn magazines set up in my name/info in the mail, among Mormon literature (again subcribed in my name), and twenty various memberships I was subscribed to online, which I had to unsubscribe myself from all of them. I filed a police report about the mags, but the police wouldn't do anything because my bank account wasn't affected. Well, BS, it was! Shortly after I started spending money on therapy and had a stomach ulcer, so doctor's bills. Their father was in complete denial of this happening and it went on for almost two years, in addition I received threatening phone calls calling me a whore and slut. Again, the cable company wouldn't look up the unknown number. This all started when the kids got angry that I was involved with the business that we bought after we were married. The kids all felt entitled that this business should be given to them, and they hated I was involved as a co-owner. All this crap came up by them about dad taking proper care of a will, to do it right, in their pipe dreams. They were putting my husband's death way ahead of things, being totally greedy. They all went as far to tell my husband's extended family that I was mentally incapable of running a business. Funny, I have a university degree and have managed several businesses and the 2 out of four barely squeaked by high school, 2 never got their high school diplomas. But they think they can run a business better, whatever.
My husband has made excuses after excuses for their disrespect and hatred behaviour. When will he get a clue??????? I was close to divorcing him a year ago, and again recently because of his lack of support and never being a firm parent with his kids. If he would have nipped their crappy attitudes and demanded they respect me in the beginning, I don't think things would have gottten this out of hand. I'm not happy that this family is split, it makes me feel bad and I was trying to have a blended family, but these adult kids don't want to be adults.