Sounds like you guys are in your “preparing to separate” cycle when a military personnel and their spouse get ready for them to deploy.  It’s a whole thing, I read an article on it once and it was very interesting.  Not sure it I saw it on military times or just out in the civilian realm.  I know this isn’t your first rodeo, but if you have been out of the mindset for a bit you can forget that this is normal.  I know you both have a lot on your plate right now and it’s scary, especially with all that is going on in the world.  Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, once he is deployed then it’s just the countdown to your visits and his return.

I have no experience with what's it's like to be a military wife. I already don't handle long separations from my partner very well.

I'm just wondering if there was a way for you two to "date" via email. Maybe it would help if at least once a week, you wrote love letters to each other. You can tell me to bugger off. LOL

Blah... that just sounds like a whole lot on your plate... and all I can say is.. keep your chin up.. it will all go by before you know it.. and you ARE strong enough to weather this storm.  

I might also look at backing away from things that aren't key to moving your life forwards.. maybe the volunteering? unless it gives you a great sense of accomplishment and fulfillment.    And.. don't be afraid to enlist help where necessary.. from your EX for your joint kids for example.. he can be virtually on your son's behind for his applications and other things.

in longer, he will get more money per month? I know the longer you are in, the more retirement you get, but it does cap at a point so I am just wondering his reasoning of not staying true to what he told you when you met. 

I am sorry, that sounds really difficult. I never wanted to be a military wife either so I am very thankful that DH was wanting to separate from the marine corps and followed through with that in the timeline he had told me. 

Just like you, Sweetie, to worry about everyone else in your orbit and feel guilty for considering your own feelings. You are such a good person and one of my favourite members on StepTalk; I hate to read of your sadness!

Eighteen months is one helluva long time to be away from one’s spouse. When my own DH was travelling for 3 weeks in Mali (not my cup of tea), I was absolutely miserable and cried a lot. I could not have endured a year and a half of his absence. Because your DH 

‘… needed to freaking retire 4.5 years ago like he promised when we got married, we aren't going to make it. I can't keep doing this. I don't want to be alone….’

It’s understandable, that you’re feeling lost and resentful, a condition made worse by all of the stress currently stopping at Chez justmakingthebest and I’ll bet the farm that your DH is hating the prospect of being without YOU for such a long time. If the relationship feels ‘strained and distant’, it’s because it IS! 

My dear, you’ve weathered many a storm, recalling your daughter’s horrific, nearly fatal accident. And BTW, I’m so glad to hear about the upcoming reconstructive surgery! My sister had it done after her mastectomy and it had a powerful, positive effect on her self-esteem. I hope your ex-husband is covering the costs since his lack of oversight was at the bottom of that tragedy.

I’m tempted to say, “You’ve got this!” when you’ve proven to be a stalwart in so many difficult situations but I do realize that you are not feeling very stout-hearted at the moment. In closing, I’m going to quote my husband, 

“She is evaluating everything from inside the box. She needs to step out of the box, look at the big, impersonal picture, be objective and present the facts to her husband. Retiring and forgoing the additional $15,000 a year would be a small price to pay for the future of her marriage.” 

My DH can be a bit of a ‘Rags’ in that he is a pragmatist extraordinaire. Maybe he’s right?

extended work related separations in our 29+ year marriage. There is no polishing this turd. It just sucks.  Neither of us like it.

The longest was 9mos but even that had a number of weekend visits where either I flew home or she met me somewhere.  The main burden of life was on her during those times. It is on you now.  

We have had separations of 4-6mos 3 times and too many 2-8wk separations than I can recollect.  Usually when I was on an Expat assignment or extended project business trip. (USA, Taiwan, Korea, China, Mongolia, Belgium, Italy, Qatar, Saudi Arabia, Bahrain, UAE, Morocco, Canada)  She has had a number of several week long trips of her own in her career.  Fortunately we were together for 8+ years for the extended duration Expat assignments. Which we did after SS-31 launched at 18.  

SS just was reassigned Stateside after 5yrs in Europe.  He is 13.5 years into his Military career.  He and I will retire at about the same time.  Me for good, him from the Military.  

I still feel bad about thise times.  SS was pretty young for several of our work related apart times.  

While $15K/YR sounds significant, when you convert it to monthly then consider that a solid $6figure base salary private sector or follow on Gov't job is entirely possible if he retires and continues his career outside of the Military, it is entirely pragmatic for him/you to seriously consider him putting in his papers.

My last role I had a number of former Sr. NCO military retirees who worked for me. Between the retirement and disability elements of the pension payments they were collecting well into the $70-$80K range. Those on my management team were making in the $125-$140K/yr range base salary, could get up to 25% per year in bonus, and were maxing 401K contributions (getting the company matching) and accruing their Social Security points.  These were people in their early to late 40s who spent between 20 & 30 years in the Military.   When they retire at the end of a 20-ish year private sector career they will be at least triple dipping on retirement. Military Retirement (with disability if they qualify), $1Mil+ in 401K investments, and full Social Security benefits.  A quick SWAG on their final retirement income puts their annual income at ~$60-$75K for Military/Disability, ~$60K/yr in 401K RMDs, and  Social Security at ~$40K.  So, an annual total retirement income of approciamately between ~$200K/yr and ~$215K/yr.  Retiring now and putting the rest of his career time into private sector opportunities makes the potential add of $15K/yr pretty much materially insignificant.  Keep in mind that this is just what his income represents. Add yours to that and .... the additioanal ~$15K/yr he could get in Military retirement is even less materially significant.

Of course you and he together are the ones to hammer this out.  But... IMHO, I would not choose to be away from my bride for any number of extended deployments for something like $1250/mo in retirement. Not when a combined retirement marital income is in the several $hundredK/year range.  I would rather have my time with her now... and in retirement. It makes no sense to give up now for later when the numbers don't add up. Take now, and later.

I would.

Thank you, your DH, and your family for your service.  Family serves too when the Soldier, Sailor, Marine, or Airman serve.

Take care of you.

Great stuff, Rags! You're a champ.

You are part of it all.  The family's also do there part when SO is out defending there country.