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feeling resentful

alwayslast1978's picture

My SD 13 and SS almost 9 are here half the time and I find the dynamics so frustrating.  They never leave the house without their mom.  I dont usually go with them so I get some time to myself.  I often feel like I am single half the time.  SD is in her room on her phone but SS is on the coach all day every day unless his mom takes him out, usually to the store.  They are not that badly behaved but so lazy and ask for things wayyyyy too much and it really bothers me.  Bed time still takes an hour for SS and 30 for SD, the same as it did 4 years ago.   My wife is materialistic and I am not and it haa been passed to her kids.  She convinced me to buy a house last year at the worst possible time.  We had a townhouse with a 300 k mirtgage and now have a house with a 900 k mortgage.  We are just getting by but we were so much better off before.  Part of the reason to buy the hoise was that the kids could play outside but they NEVER do.  It was a massive waste of money and I worry about money all the time for a house that has made 0 difference to the dynamic.  I worry that I will never forgive my wife and my marriage will fail.   I am totally checked out when the kids are here and always try and find ways to be around them as little as possible.


Rags's picture

Your DW created her toxic failed family spawn.  It was at that point that her future relationships in all liklihood became a foregone conclusion of failure.

Don't beat yourself up.  Sell the house.  Get on with your life.

Some people, even ones we may love, are a write off.

Living well is what we should all pursue. It is also the best revenge.

Live your best revenge and get on with your life.

Kids like this do change, but far more often than not, that change is to get worse. If you think they are bad now. Wait until they are adults. Even more frightining, wait until your house is the default dumping ground for their own even worse toxic spawn.  You think your DW is a PITA with her kids. Wait until she is ... GrandMa.


If you choose to stay, learn the word NO! Immediately implement firm standards of behavior and standards of performance for your SKids, and your wife. Make sure they understand that there will be escalating misery inducing consequences for failure to perform to the standards. Without these things, the outcome and your future... are grim.

Good luck.

All IMHO of course.

New_to_this's picture

My Skids are now adults. They were also lazy in the house, my DH had lower expectations for them, and I bought a house for DH and Skids that was not a good fit for me but a good fit for them (the house is in an area of the city that I myself would never have moved to on my own or with my own children) because DH refused to live elsewhere even though our friends and family thought living there was not a good thing. We had the Skids either half-time or full-time throughout their childhood.

We still live in the house, even though the last Skid became an adult a year ago. I feel resentment and anger everyday. My little kids (8 and 4) are in a not-so-good school district and I feel sad because I never intended this life for them or myself. But, at least the Skids have moved out.

If you feel like you can't change the kids to be more motivated and less materialistic because that is how their mother is, think about how this may play out when you have a wife and two adult children who act this way. I fought to get/keep the Skids out of the house as adults because of DH and his ex-wife's poor parenting. Otherwise, DH would have allowed them to live with us and mooch off us indefinitely. I have so little respect for DH after all these years. I think that if you and your wife can't get on the same page, you'll feel deep resentment towards her.

Lillywy00's picture

Your step kids sound very familiar

Lazy (check)

Have a nice outdoor play space that's unused (check)

.... how did they get to your house so fast and you cool with keeping them? I have a strict no return policy! Lol

im kidding but if you were anything like me you kind of knew on the front end you weren't excited about step-life but you powered through because you loved your wife 

however the reality is hitting you and now you're realizing it's not what you envisioned 

you need to sit down with her and communicate this with her the best way you can. 

The options are they and/or you change for the better or you deal with them as they are (live a life of annoyance, avoidance, and me I've experienced this), or you part ways