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DH is in Denial about SS mental problems

Dawn1978's picture

SS is in 8th grade and been seeing a Psychiatrist and a social worker since first grade for a number of mood problems. DH is in complete denial and thinks SS is just "spoiled" from BM the reason SS acts the way he does. I agree SS is A TOTAL spoiled brat but find it hard to believe BM was able to manipulate every Psychiatrist/Social worker SS had into believing SS had a mental condition. This is what DH believes. DH has told SS he does NOT believe anything is wrong with him and that BM is making it all up. 

SS Recently got into a Argument with my son home from college. When DH stepped in to stop it SS went up stairs and got his baseball bat and came down stairs and hit DH on the back screaming. DH had a black and blue for weeks. DH Swept this under the rug. This is NOT the first time SS has hit DH. At SS therapy appointments DH NEVER mentions any problems we are having with SS in our home. Since BM complains all the time about SS DH said he does not want to "Fuel the fire" the reason he never tells the therapist. 

Could DH be fully right that SS is just spoiled or do you think he's in denial? If DH keeps Believing this how will this Affect SS long term? 

Winterglow's picture

He is an idiot to hide htings from the therapist. How does he expect the therapist to be able to help if s/he doesn't have all the information? If he really thought that there was nothing wrong with his son, he wouldn't hesitate to share everything with the therapist ... for his son's good. Does he REALLY think it's normal for a teen to attack his father with a bat?! What's he going to do when the kid puts someone in hospital?  Say something stupid like "boys will be boys"?

Aunt Agatha's picture

Next up could be you.  Never be around his son nor let him in your home.

tog redux's picture

Well, CLEARLY the kid has some issues, normal kids don't whack Dad with a baseball bat when they are upset. DH is spoiling him, too, if he allows him to get away with that crap.

I am in the child mental health field, and it's very unusual for a kid to be in therapy and on meds for years if there are no real issues.  A good therapist/psychiatrist can see through a parent who wants a diagnosis when there isn't one. They usually find out how the kid behaves in school as well and over time, they can see what's going on no matter what a parent says.

Your DH is just as big of an issue, if not more so, than BM. He wants the therapist to believe everything is fine, so he doesn't tell him/her that it's not fine. How is that helpful to SS?

Lifer33's picture

Whether the kids mh, or just spoiled rotten, nobody I know let's their kid get away with hitting them with a baseball bat. I was trying to think of any kids I know who would hit their parent with a bat. Yes one, an extremely disturbed adopted child, and he deliberately set his parents house on fire.

How can he not see how serious this is, what if its a knife next? 

notarelative's picture

This time he hit DH in the back. Next time? 

Keep you cell phone within reach, and have 911 on speed dial. SS has had no consequence for his behavior in your home, so no reason to change it. 

If you stay in this situation you need to take precautions. If you have a lock on your bedroom door use it. If you don't have a lock, get one. Your son will need a locked place to sleep or stay somewhere else. SS is dangerous.

advice.only2's picture

Uhh I think your DuH is the one spoiling his son. Sounds like BM is doing everything she can to try and get the kid help and your DuH is doing everything he can to hide SS's abusive tendencies. I would just make sure DuH's life insurance policies and will are up to date and that you are the sole beneficiary.

Dawn1978's picture

I've for the most part have disengaged from SS so the likely hood of him coming after me is little. SS just seems to be super sensitive, over reactive, very angry kid. Honestly don't know how he functions in school where there are "rules" and he can't get his way all the time

notarelative's picture

Supersenitive. Over reactive. Very angry. This is a volatile combination.

SS is in eighth grade. Your H, his dad, keeps telling the therapist that there is no problem when his son is with him (undermining therapy). DH doesn't see a problem. SS is getting older and dangerous (using bat on his dad). What will you do if BM decides that she can't handle SS any more and custody flips?


Winterglow's picture

I don't think that's what PP meant. I think she meant, what happens if bm decides that after all these years she can't handle any more and she switches custody to your DH...?

Dawn1978's picture

1.BM loves the child support too much

2. DH would love it if BM switched custody and BM knows this. This alone would make spiteful BM keep custody.

3. Like I said SS does not seem to have the violent rages he does with DH with BM. Not sure why SS seems more angry/ defiant with DH

ESMOD's picture

Your son lives with friends? is he an adult... hope he isn't doing this to avoid your household!

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Didn't you post about this under a different user name?

If you've accepted that your H is in denial about his son, it follows that you can't rely on his judgement or decision making on issues concerning the boy. You can't rely on your H's judgement. This is actually freeing, because 1) it means you know what you know and needn't entertain his b.s. on the subject, and 2) are free to make your own decisions in relation to keeping yourself safe.

At a minimum, you should let the therapist know what's really going on, and call 911 ANY time your SS becomes violent in your home. Stop accepting the unacceptable! You're a mom; you know what good parenting and normal kid behavior looks like.

Lastly, some questions: what are your hard limits for this relationship? What boundaries have you drawn with your H? Do you have an exit strategy ready? Are your personal affairs in order in case something happens to you? Are you willing to live like this indefinitely? What will you do if/when SS comes to live with you full time? Do you think he will be able to launch with his peers?


nappisan's picture

DH needs to bring these things up for your SS to get the correct help he needs ,, wether he is a spoilt brat or something more serious.  My ex-DH was the same, he never brought up the 'serious' issues with the social worker which annoyed the crap out of me!!!!!   This brat13 would key my cars , slash things with knives, steal and lie for the sake of it and one time didnt like being told to do something so he went and got the axe from the woodshed and hacked the whole side out of a huge tree, not to mention all the porn i discovered he was looking at on his ipad,,,,WTF how are these not serious relevant issues that need to be discussed with a professional ??? It would make me soooooo mad that DH wouldnt talk about these actions of his demon brat.  safe to say we arent together anymore because of his sons actions and DH lack of actions.  Is there anyway you can raise your concerns to the social worker in confidencen or even at the school?

Rags's picture

Any kid that takes a baseball bat to a father who is not physically attacking the kid is a POS and any parent that would tolerate that crap is  complete and total moron.

If a kid of mine would have done that, that kid would be learning to walk with a baseball bat sticking out of their ass and would be shitting log sized turds for the rest of his idiot life.