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BM and a funeral

SeeYouNever's picture

I haven't posted much because there isn't much to say when things go well. There as been a few visits with SD and DHs family that were brief and our boundaries were respected. No drama. Good news.

A friend of DHs family died suddenly, one of his sisters called him to tell him and said she had "already reached out to BM." Ugh.

The family friend is like an uncle to DH and has many kids, one SDs age. DH was upset at the death and at the fact that BM was told before him. He doesn't really want to go to the funeral and I definitely dheont want to go because the uncle's wife LOVES BM. When I met this lady I had to hear about how she thought BM and DH had such a lovely romantic story and the divorce was such a shame and DHs fault for "leaving her alone" while on deployment. She sided with BM and thought she acted appropriately by cheating on DH because he dated other people before they were even together and because he wasn't interested in her at first ("she waited so long for him"). For me it just gave me some backstory that BM always resented that DH (who is 2 years older than her) went away to school and had fun rather than giving her the time of day while she was still in high school. The lady also told me that she was not going to get us a wedding present because she already got "so much" for DHs first wedding. I never found out what exactly it was that she got for them but I hope this shows why I have no relationship or affection for her!

He's not big on going to funerals in general, so this isn't out of character for him to not want to go, but he definitely had no desire to go if he thought BM might show.

Fast forward to today and BM probes DH to find out when he'll be at the wake and funeral. He texts that he isn't going and she goes ape texting him paragraphs about how he needs to take SD15 and comfort her and playing the victim and how she has to do all the hard stuff.

SD hasn't seen these people in 2 years and hasn't been close to them in all the time I've known her. She doesn't even talk to the girl who's her age but DHs family still acts like they are BFFs because they played together when they were 7. The last time SD was in the same place as this girl she barely acknowledged her now BM is acting like SD lost a close loved one and must be there to comfort her friend. He says why don't you take her and BM calls him a neglectful father and all that. DH said he didn't get the chance to even TELL SD before his family did and and he would gladly comfort SD if she answered her phone (which still still doesn't).

So DH is feeling all beat up emotionally. The dude doesn't even get to mourn his unofficial uncle before other people make it about themselves and try to make him feel bad.

His sister should have just called DH and left it to him to tell SD and BM if he so chose to.


justmakingthebest's picture

Wow.. what a horrible woman! "Left her alone" while on deployment?? So that gives her a right to cheat? Good lord, I can't with people like that. I probably would have said something to her right then and there, but I certainly don't blame you for not wanting to ever see her again.

As for SIL... She overstepped big time. It isn't her job to reach out to her brother's ex wife. 


SeeYouNever's picture

Yes she explained that you "can't leave a woman like her alone" like DH asked to be cheated on.

The worst thing is this was before they got married, he had so much pressure from both families and friends to make it work even though BM cheated before they even got married! Apparently he should have married her sooner or something? He tried to save his own face and thought a big Catholic wedding would set BM right. Yeah right.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

I'm sorry for your DH's loss. 

SIL is a total bee! *diablo*

Understandably, your DH is sad and upset but... why did he not ignore BM's text?? Whether he goes or not is none of her damn business.