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So Frustrating

futurestepmom95670's picture

Was out to dinner with my FDH Sunday. FSD7 has been out of town with FMIL all week, it's been really nice. But the topic came up at dinner about having more kids, and FDH made a comment about how he's "already done all that," and it's my "turn now" to do the daiper changing and raising any future kids. It really upset me, I said "you haven't done it with ME though." I feel like he's not eager or excited to have kids like I am, because he's already been there done that, and he's just doing me a favor by giving me kids. On the flip side, it's nice seeing how great of a dad he is (minus the disney parenting), but will my kids miss out on that because he's already started a family? 


This finally made me feel like I'm ready to leave. Any advise? Did anyone else experience this with a positive outcome? 

fairyo's picture

I wouldn't have any kids with him- plus the Disney parenting- you're not doing a good PR job here for him. If you think you may be ready to leave before you even get pregnant then that isn't good. Parenting is no picnic so think about the child first.

TrueNorth77's picture

Eek....Imagine the resentment of you having to do all the baby-related things with no help from SO. That sounds terrible and something that would most likely cause you to divorce at some point. He is telling you how he feels, you just need to listen and believe him.

Smomlosingit's picture

My DH never said that BUT... I don't regret our BS3 together at all I love him with all my heart, but he's more about my SD13 than our son. It could be the daddy's girl thing and our son is a super momma's boy so he doesn't give my DH much attention other than play fighting, but I feel it wouldn't be that way if he gave him more attention like I do with kisses, hugs, talking to him etc. DH is also a Disney parent and with it being a daughter...I feel for you. My neighbor's husband has a 22 YO daughter and...she still get what she wants. It made me realize it doesn't go away. It'll always be that way and that's very discouraging. I don't want to tell you to not have kids, but just know going into it it's very very very difficult. At times you say to yourself I wish I would've known, but then I say well I wouldn't have my son so I can't say that. It's the hardest push and pull. It sounds like he doesn't want any responsibility which may change if you do have a child, but he was "jokingly" telling you it's all you if you want a kid.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Nope. No kids with him. Raising a kid in a marriage is a two person job. Why? Because marriage is a partnership. The kid will benefti from it. And frankly. YOu're going to need breaks sometimes too! If he's sitting on his arse all day, then when you're taking care of the kid it's going to build resentment and ultimately hurt the marriage!

Having a baby isn't a "me" thing in a marriage (at least it should be) it's an "us" thing! I firmly belive the only reason I'll ever even consider it is because I want to raise a kid with my DH (more kids. we're raising the skids, lol, but you get what I'm saying). NOt becuase I want some experience that he's "already had."

ndc's picture

Oh my.  That would be too big of a red flag for me.  I can just imagine hearing "you're the one that wanted another kid" and "I told you I wasn't going to help" being thrown around any time things weren't going well.  Add that to the "you knew what you were getting into" that all stepparents seem to hear and it would be too much for me.

By way of contrast, my SO told me that he was really good at diapers and he'd be a great help when we had kids because he's done it before and he was a very involved dad.  

Maybe you want to consider whether you're ultimately going to get what you need from this relationship.  I love my SO's kids and spend a lot of time with them, but I don't view them as a bonus and in an ideal world he would be unencumbered.  I would not accept limitations (such as him not being fully involved with future children) on top of that baggage. 

Steppedonnomore's picture

Red flag for sure.  Your FDH is making it clear that he is already has the only child he wants and won't be actively involved with another.   Is that really the father you want for your child?

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Yuge red flag here. YUGE.

I can already hear his next comments... He doesn't want kids. Never did. He was only telling you that to get the ring on your finger.

young_step_mom's picture

This sounds like a recipe for resentment.  Resentment towards him because he doesn't help, resentment towards your SD because he did things for her and not for your kid (not her fault, but it's hard to make that distinction when youre IN the situation), and possible resentment from your child towards her/his own father and half-sister if DH treats them differently.  I'm sure you probably want to hear that he will change his mind once he sees the baby, but is that really a risk you want to take?  

marblefawn's picture

I'm no kid person, but I hear people really warm up when they actually have them. Maybe your husband to be would fully engage if you actually had a kid with him.

However, that might not be a chance you want to take. What if he changes his mind and says "absolutely not" to having kids after you're married?

If having kids is non-negotiable for you, I'd have a talk with him now, before you're stuck in marriage with him, to find out if he's on board or not. Tell him you don't want to be a single parent when you're married.

Don't give up the dream of kids if it's really important to you. If he's not into it, find out now so you can go find someone who will be as thrilled about it as you are. But give him a chance to tell you where he really stands first. I'd feel him out in serious discussion, but don't let on that you'll walk if he doesn't want kids. You don't want him telling you "yes" now and pulling the plug later. Be cagey.

Lavender88's picture

I did want kids before I met my OH. But the more time I spend around kids, I realise it's not for me. They're annoying little parasites, there's no privacy, no boundaries, you're a slave til the kids leave home! I've watched my friends turn into different people when theyhave kids. That's cool, if that's your thing, but no sir, that's not the life I wanted for myself. I'm getting a puppy.

Rags's picture

Re-read your post and ask yourself what advice you would give the person who posted that asking for advice.

You know what to do.  

I have always struggled with the model and concept of the “I’ll raise mine, you raise yours and we will raise ours” model of blended marriage parenting.  Your STBXFDH’s philosophy is far worse.

Find a man who will be your true equity life partner in all things.

Cut this turd loose.

I have no BKs.  While I have always liked kids I have never had an overwhelming drive or need to have any. When I met my bride and determined that I wanted to make my life with her I also knew that would require me to raise her son as my own.  I have been all in as her equity life partner and equity parent to her/our son.

To not have done that would have been to shortchange her, the kid and myself.  Without that commitment we would have both been less than all in as equity life partners.

Who would want that in a marriage?


tog redux's picture

What the hell? He's telling you he doesn't plan to help parent any kids that he has with you? How does that work? So, he'll only start parenting once you divorce him and he sees them part-time like SD? Otherwise, they are YOUR kids and he will ignore them?

He seems to be saying he doesn't want any more kids, I'd listen to that. Find a man who isn't "doing you a favor" by having kids with you and actually wants to be a parent to them.

susanm's picture

Did you ask him exactly what he meant by it being "your turn now?"  That is a very vague statement and deserves a very specific answer so that you can really make a decision about what you want to do.  Does it mean that he has no interest in participating in the pregnancy and birth or will he be happy and excited at all?  No diapers/feeding/bathing or sharing of duties to an extent?  As the child grows, does he forsee no transporting to school and cheering from the stands or will he be at least a somewhat active parent so that the child does not feel ignored by their father?  In other words, will there be a divide in the house of him and his child and you and yours and does he believe that will be a healthy home for anyone? Obviously no one has a crystal ball but a resistance to even discussing these issues or an apparent belief that he can father a child and then pick and choose what involvement he has when it is convenient will tell you a great deal.  You then can make an informed choice.

Rainydaze777's picture

Wow!!! What an awful thing to say!!! Wtf?!?! ((( hug)))

Be careful about marriage with him- it might be a prison sentence 

pwoodlson's picture

Although I am very sympathic and feel for you (It is a hard situation to be in) having kids with someone who already has children from a previous relationship isn't usually a good idea. It makes things very complicated for everyone involved (you, your child, his kids, him, etc because of many issues such as time, money, competitiveness, jealousy, attention, the dynamics of the family, etc.) plus he has already proven he cannot make a relationship work so why add more children to a situation which will most likely than not lead to another divorce. 

Thenewreeree's picture

I agree, if you haven’t had any children you are best to meet someone that also hasn’t had any children and have a family together. He clearly does not want any more children and he will forever be reminding you of that. It will end in tears.