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Engaged, YAY! SD14 Not wanting to be in/at wedding, but wants to attend reception.

mkiefer330's picture

Been engaged since Mid December, and SD14 has informed her dad, my Fiance,
that she does NOT want to be at our wedding,because she will cry too much,
and doesn't want to see her dad married to anyone other than her mom.

I understand loyalty binds to BioParents and how they work,
a little background, We've been dating a year, and she's told me
that Dad has, "Already replaced mom with you (me)." Explained
nobody is replaced, but expanded. Divorce has been finalized and complete
for roughly 3 years now.

I wanted her as part of the ceremony, and every bit of me is telling
me to do many different things. 1 part, says, fine, don't have to be there, at all.
2. says tough shit, you're a kid and have no say in the manner
3. part of me understands, and the other part of me is rejected, angry, and extremely upset.

I'm sure I'm not alone, but I need guidance! Sad

LikeMinded's picture

You're going to hate my comment:

don't get married until she's 18... because you're just signing yourself up for 4 years of balogna (maybe more if the kid doesn't launch).

Just read all the threads, and you'll see why I'm saying this.

You've got the man, the affection... have a good time with him and enjoy your life, but don't move in with him until she's out. Her reaction tells me you're signing up for several years of living he11.

Shaman29's picture

Only four more years?? Puuuullllleeeeaaaasssee.

This kid is going to give her a lifetime of hell. They don't turn into angels when they turn eighteen and most of them never grow out of this BS behavior.

LikeMinded's picture

Sorry, I was trying to be gentle, lol! I already felt my post was too negative!

Shaman29's picture

No need to apologize. I'm very jaded in my opinions regarding age milestones because experience has shown me ( as Cartman says) it's a bunch of bullcrap.

My own H has been giving me age milestones since day one. When X happens, we can relax and enjoy life. That was nine years ago. There are no changes in what he does and he keeps making promises he won't keep. And when I get upset, he places the blame on his kid and HER actions rather than owning up to the fact he's never going to change.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Fourteen is the absolute worst age for teen girls, IMO. Sad

Is this girl in any kind of counselling? What does your SO think of the situation? Why does she think she's allowed to dictate the terms of her participation? We need more info here.

A wedding is a celebration. So if SD can't be happy for her dad and you, then perhaps she should stay away from both the ceremony and the party. If she isn't able to paste on a happy face then she's kind of a loose cannon, and who wants that worry at a wedding?

notasm3's picture

You need to learn how not to give a sh*t where she is concerned. Who cares if she doesn't want to be part of the ceremony, etc. Just banish her from ALL festivities associated with the wedding and be happy that she is not there to ruin everyone's good time.

mkiefer330's picture

I really appreciate all the commentary. I agree with the, you can't attend the party without the planning or the reason for the party being supported.
BM has full custody and they're here as often as they'd like to be, or when BM needs a night to herself (roughly 3-4 days a week).

The girl is indeed in counseling, roughly 1-2x a month, because BM early on talked a lot of shit about DH (their divorce, while civil, started out with an affair on her part).

Girls are well cared for in our care, and aside from basic responsibilities, (put your stuff away, clean up after yourself, do your homework and wash your arse), we don't ask much of them.

I feel like there's quite the loyalty bind troubling her because of the way that BM painted DH out to be, and quite possibly feels like she would be insulting her mom if she got close to me.

I hope she comes around, but if she doesn't, I refuse to feel guilty about getting married to the man I love. I don't care if she's there either way, but it would make DH very happy to have his girls support in his decisions. I'm great with the girls, BM even agrees (drama is minimal between us - rough couple of months at first, but since resolved - the BM not wanting him to be with anyone else etc)

Part of me wants her to wake the F up and realize how much it hurts DH. Not too worried about myself at the moment, moreso him.

mkiefer330's picture

I really appreciate all the commentary. I agree with the, you can't attend the party without the planning or the reason for the party being supported.
BM has full custody and they're here as often as they'd like to be, or when BM needs a night to herself (roughly 3-4 days a week).

The girl is indeed in counseling, roughly 1-2x a month, because BM early on talked a lot of shit about DH (their divorce, while civil, started out with an affair on her part).

Girls are well cared for in our care, and aside from basic responsibilities, (put your stuff away, clean up after yourself, do your homework and wash your arse), we don't ask much of them.

I feel like there's quite the loyalty bind troubling her because of the way that BM painted DH out to be, and quite possibly feels like she would be insulting her mom if she got close to me.

I hope she comes around, but if she doesn't, I refuse to feel guilty about getting married to the man I love. I don't care if she's there either way, but it would make DH very happy to have his girls support in his decisions. I'm great with the girls, BM even agrees (drama is minimal between us - rough couple of months at first, but since resolved - the BM not wanting him to be with anyone else etc)

Part of me wants her to wake the F up and realize how much it hurts DH. Not too worried about myself at the moment, moreso him.

mkiefer330's picture

DH and BM work on their schedules and DH consults with me about what works best for us.

And yeah. Maybe she will grow up, but they don't just unicorn fart into logical adults. Lots of enabling of that BS behavior from her mom.

oneoffour's picture

I would ask SD would she feel the same about her mother remarrying.

Her parents marriage didn't last the distance and her Dad gets another chance to be happy. And in time her mother may well find someone else as well (again).

And yeah, what does her Dad think? I would tell her she doesn't have to be in the wedding party at all. However the deadline for changing her mind is xyz. In fact she doesn't have to attend at all. No one wants anyone at a wedding who is sad and miserable and you don't want her feeling uncomfortable.

hereiam's picture

It probably wouldn't bother me that she doesn't want to attend the wedding (although she does need to come to terms with the fact that her parents are divorced and with other people) but I wouldn't want her attending the reception, either.

Bratty behaviors and attitudes do not get rewarded. No cake for her!

mkiefer330's picture

I wholeheartedly agree with that. He gives her the world and so does mom. She doesn't want BM getting involved with anyone either, but she's dating here and there (we're on good terms), I figured this out when she told me that I was replacing her mom, and any kids we have would be replacing them.

According to DH, she was a huge pain in the ass @5yo when they had her little sister. Enjoyed the idea of her, but when baby got there, she realized she had half as much attention to her than when she was an only child. Part of me wants to shake her until she drools and tell her to GROW UP. But, it's not my place. }:)

Teas83's picture

Elope. That's what my husband and I did. It was nice not to have to figure out how to involve my SD in the whole thing.

mkiefer330's picture

DH and I spoke about it last night. I'm feeling less rejected, in fact...not at all anymore. More concerned with DH well being and how he's going to handle it. He loves both his girls and gives them the world, 2nd SD10 is autistic, 100 percent functioning but is socially awkward, knows that BM/DH are divorced, but is unsure of what it means, but is supportive 100% in her own way, and actually asks questions about what we want to do, and if she has to eat meat at our wedding (she won't, don't worry).

I'd love to elope, even talked about that, but I'm my dad's first born bio and he'd have my head if I got married without him there. So far the plan is to give her until 3 weeks (when headcount/food is due) before the wedding to lock her friggin act up, or stay home entirely. We both agree that there are loyalty binds to the mom, and due to drama, rumours, and painting DH out to be a douche early on when he left, we both believe she feels like she's sticking up for mom by sticking it to dad.

I suggested to DH that possible BM/DH/SD15 Sitdown might be involved for her to get a grip. I pointed out to DH yesterday that just because SD15 doesn't want to see the ceremony, doesn't mean it's not happening, and I'll still be in a dress as his wife afterward, and when we go home, and thereafter. I feel that a wedding is a celebration of love, new futures, family (NEW and BLENDED), and should be celebrated as such. If she can't support why a wedding reception even takes place, and why the people are there (out of support), does she really need to be there? I personally think not.

I still plan to ask her to at least be there, which is a compromise from her walking her dad down the aisle with her sister. If she says no to DH because of whatever, I feel she's gotta say "no" to me, as well. I realize that her "frustrations" have nothing to do with me, which may make her think, it may not. However, I'd feel like an idiot if I didn't at least try. It breaks his giant heart to hear that she only wants to be at the reception and not the ceremony.

Unfortunately, jokes on her. Layout of the room has the reception directly behind the ceremony area. You can see it from wherever you're standing. The last thing he or I want to worry about are sourpuss kids, and he admits that, but wants his daughter there. I told him I support whatever he'd decide, but keep in mind we're gonna have enough headache that day as is. A grumpy, stubborn Skid is the last thing I want to worry about.