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In-law issues. Help! Open to Opinions!

franprz's picture

Help! In-law issues. 

So I’m not sure if I’m the only one who experiences this but I need help understanding if I’m just offended or are my in-laws the real issue. So to sum things up. I’m with a guy that has a 5 year old child and we had our first child together last year. I’ve noticed ever since I got preggers I was kind of “old news” assuming because his entire family and him went thru a pregnancy and all the “firsts” Fun. Well let me get to present day! First things first my boyfriends baby mama and family are super buddy buddy. Which is gross to me. But anyways lol I’ve noticed my “mother-in-law” only calls or even checks up on us when his older daughter is with us. She even disrespected me to the point to send my daughters hospital pictures to his ex-baby mama the day we were coming home from the hospital. Anyways Like SHE LITERALLY only asks me about my baby if she’s going to end up seeing my stepdaughter that day. Like it’s gotten to the point in which she LITERALLY only invites us over or out if my stepdaughter is with us. Today she actually slipped up She had invited us over to her house. But things changed when she literally said “oops I thought today was Thursday(the day he gets his daughter) I thought you got *daughters name* nevermind y’all don’t have to come I’m going to get my oil changed or something”. So should I feel bothered about this entire situation. I mean I’m not going to beg her or her family to adore my baby but dang... my baby’s a baby and innocent.

Findthemiddle's picture

Your feelings are valid.  Your daughter’s grandmother is being insensitive.   Have you asked your bf if he has noticed his mom’s behavior?  I would be polite but back away a bit.  If she wants to see the kids let her come to y’all’s house.  

SeeYouNever's picture

Yes it's quite similar here. My husband has a pretty lousy custody arrangement but my in laws meddle in it and end up spending more time with SD13 than we do and more time with her than my two kids. Again they don't like to see us and my kids unless SD is there. Then it's just them fawning over SD "being a big sister." I hate how my in laws treat my kids like props. 

Wat is your SOs take on this? My husband noticed it early on after my first baby and he got into a fight with his mom over it. She would jump for joy to spend time with SD but seeing our kids was a chore. Since my husband called her out my MIL has been acting weak and timid and whining that we don't want her around. Boo hoo manipulation. It still is and always has been all about SD. 

Stepdrama2020's picture

How doe your DH feel about this? How does he feel that his baby with you is not important enough to spend time with unless the holier SD is there. Is he not bothered that his own mother tells him not to come unless SD is there. What a frosty B.

I feel your pain girl. Just step back and away from MIL she is a toxic meddler who subtly lets you know where you and your precious baby stand.

Give what you get. 

weightedworld's picture

I absolutely feel you and are in such a similar situation, it is down right disgusting. Mine hasn't seen my two kids other than 2 10 minute increments since February and only by happenchance.

My best advice to you is to disengage as much as you can, even if that means not going to her place for meals, ect. Screw her, not kidding. Your only feeding the beast by tending to her wants and needs under SDs time.  

Due to other circumstances my bfs daughter doesn't come to our home anymore so gma has taken it upon herself to take over his custody time. She picks up and drops off and all the fun stuff with a long to do list EOW and than gets pissy if bf doesn't go over there if shes had a bad day with her. With the issues we've been having, if gma would butt out of it, would have had a solution long time ago.  

I'm over it though, they can continue eating the shit out of each others asses worrying about the impressions they are making on each other while everyone else lives in the real world. Doesn't mean I don't like to remind them to clean their faces once in a while. Smile

diver111's picture

I've been dealing with this same situation for 25 years. MIL never cared about our two boys together, only the SD. We are very low contact with her and have been for 10 years. 

justmakingthebest's picture

I would probably say something to her along the lines of "You know MIL, our baby might enjoy a little attention from you too. Afterall you are still her grandmother too. Not everything has to revolve around SD." - when she deflects just say whatever and end the converstation. Let her stew on the words for a while. 

weightedworld's picture

You can talk until your blue in the face.. such at the 20+ yr poster above.. do what you can to protect your child from seeing it even if it means sd doesn't get to be around her on your time. While she is so emeshed with BM, she can see her there until she decides to straighten up. 

Rags's picture

Not only should you feel bothered, you should regularly bare your MIL's idiot ass over it IMHO. 

DH needs to understand that he needs to get his mommy under control or.... he, you, and your new child will have no relationship with his mother.  PERIOD! DOT!

DH is YOUR husband and you trump his mommy each and every time.  He needs to understand that, and so does his toxic idiot of a crotch donor.

I have had some interesting IL related experiences in my life. My XMIL was embezzling $Millions from her employer and ended up a convicted felon.  My XW's share of the law suit settlement with my XMIL's employer was $2MIl which was my XW's share of the huge pay back the whole family had to make to XMIL's employer.

My current ILs had just about nothing to say to me for the first two years of my nearly 27 year marriage to their daughter.  Ultimately they did embrace me and we have had a solid IL relationship.  My FIL passed three years ago this month and he and I had developed a solid respect for each other and a friendship uniquely ours. I enjoy my MIL more and more each year as she gains maturity and life skills she has struggled with for many, many years.

My incredible bride is extremely close to my parents.  She has commented any number of times that my parents are more her parents than her own parents are.  

Mamabearof3's picture

Sounds grossly similar to my situation. We're no contact with MIL and her parents at this point because of it. 

Mamabearof3's picture

Tell her you're not available on the weekends that SD is there and explain further why if she presses the issues. Honesty is always the best policy. Don't let favoritsm hurt your family.