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Need Baby Daddy advice..

franprz's picture

I always refer to BD as DH because i HATE USING the word baby Daddy lol Ive decided to start writing my feelings/question for proof incase I ever need to use these forums 

but anyways... I've known for a while that our relationship isn't the best. But recently I've come to realize that it's toxic. I think? today he literally told me these things because I took the wrong exit....

"Have you ever thought that the only reason we argue is because you think you can do what you or do things your way. 

-Why do you think you can do shit your way

-your worthless

-you don’t do shit for me".

this is toxic right? Or am I just over thinking.. and another thing. I don't have friends, and he doesn't really allow me to run to the stores by myself (he claims because the world is a messed up place) but yet he can go and come as he pleases at all hours. I've been raising his Daughter which is my stepdaughter(6yrs old), along with our 2year old daughter. The majority of the time when it's her time to come over he usually disappears for the day and comes home late. I feel so alone. There's a lot more but for now I'm just so confused. I feel stuck but wanting to scream. 

Winterglow's picture

It's not only toxic it's abusive. 

If he's not there, his daughter shouldn't be either. Visitation is for kids to see their parent, not to be babysat by his girlfriend. Next time, beat him to it. Take your daughter and leave for the day next time she is coming. 

What are you getting from this relationship? Why are you putting up with such treatment? 

Bee_kay's picture

I agree with Winterglow. Your BD sounds emotionally abusive. He may have his own issues. Instead of dealing with them like an emotionally mature adult, he takes his anger and frustration out on you. Don't let his words kill your self-esteem. Also, him speaking to you like that around your DD and SD will teach them that's how women should be spoken to in relationships, and it's not! 
 

Dont be confused, Do you think you are worthless? The fact that you drive, you care for your DD and babysit his child tells me you are worth more than he will give you credit for. 
 

You babysitting his child is doing something for him. Otherwise, he would actually have to spend quality time with your SD or pay a babysitter. 
 

I'm a sarcastic person, so I would make a list of everything that I do (cooking, cleaning, driving, babysitting,etc.) and I would give him an itemized bill for my services. Who is worthless now? 

 

Rags's picture

Divorce his abusive ass.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

This man is emotionally abusing you. He is following a pattern that often leads to physical abuse. He is isolating you from your friends and keeping you from going anywhere without him. He calls you names makes you feel bad about yourself.

Read around this site and see if any of it feels familiar: https://www.thehotline.org/resources/what-is-emotional-abuse/

Just call him SO - Significan Other

24 years as a SM's picture

He is isolating you from other people, and the verbal abuse is beating down your self esteem, this is a grooming technic for a physically abusive jerk. In my 1st marriage, I can't remember how many times my ex would make toxic remarks, when you hear this for a long time, you start to believe what the jerk is saying is true. Next was a shove, or a slap, then it progressed to a full out beating.

Don't let yourself or your DD get stuck in this life style. When I left I had a black eye, broken nose, broken jaw that was wire shut to heal and 6 broken ribs. I was so brainwashed  that I thought if I did everything he wanted, that he wouldn't hit me anymore. My ex went after our 3 year old son, and I stepped between them. I thank God every day, that the mailman heard my screaming and called the police, otherwise I don't know if my two kids or I would have lived.

You need to think about if you want your DD treated the way your abuser is treating you, because if you stay at some point he could turn on her too.

flmomma08's picture

I know its easier said than done, but don't allow him to isolate and control you. You ARE allowed to go out to the store alone. You don't need anyone's permission. I agree with the above comment about taking your daughter out for the day next time SD is coming over. She is there to spend time with dad, not you (no offense). Its not your responsibility to entertain her all day.

stepmomnorth's picture

If you haven't already, I would start setting things up so that you can be more independent, make sure you have your own bank account he has no access to , own car etc. I agree with the other poster that he is trying to isolate you, he does this by having you "depend on him" and by knocking your esteem down so you are afraid of doing things or so that you rely on him heavily. He seems very controlling. You are right that this is toxic. It's emotionally abusive. 

 

reedle2021's picture

I'm very worried for you.  This sounds unhealthy.  His comments are the exact type of thing my soon-to-be-ex-husband would say to me over the years.  It started out like "you're negative, you are why I'm depressed, if you didn't do X, then I wouldn't do Y" etc, etc.  And over the years, he became more brutal and more cruel in the things he would say.  At first, I thought I was being oversensitive because he would always be nice after he said mean things and he would also tell me that I am too sensitive, a "drama queen" and that I was "overreacting."  This has rapidly progressed over the past 2-3 months to being slapped hard on the leg (not joking, he was mad), knocking my cell phone out of my hands and being shoved.  I have also been accused of cheating on him (this accusation started a few months ago too), he will not allow me to go anywhere without him except work (he screamed at me and put his finger in my face yesterday because I had scheduled an appointment for myself), he constantly criticizes me for anything from my facial expressions to "texting too much," at which time, he accuses me of texting some guy with whom I am supposedly having an affair.  It's to the point where I don't text anyone unless I am at work.  I will be moving out in the next two weeks, I already have a place set up - unbeknownst to him.  The situation is terrifying at this point and until a few months ago, I never saw it coming.

I beg you, think about your situation and make a plan to keep yourself safe.  I am relatively sure his behavior will not improve and in fact, this type of behavior usually worsens and progresses to physical violence.  It took me years to figure out I was experiencing emotional abuse (as well as my husband does not parent his kid either, a 21 yo failure to launch).  And lately, that emotional abuse has been escalating. 

Please be careful, take care of yourself, and think about what you want from a relationship. 

Please keep us posted!  (sending hugs)